WARNING: I am in a religious, philosophical and mystical mood.
I am a carping, whining, complaining, fault-finding, nit-picking, grousing sort of person. (in short, mareklamo).
Everyday, I always find something to grouch about. In fact, this blog is littered with moans, and groans and all sorts of expressions of dissatisfaction.
I always have fun poking around in my brain talking about how unfair the world is and how difficult life is and how miserable people make me and how others bully me around and how I am being used.
I am a grouch, an honest to goodness evil little twerp who messes with her brain about how the world conspires to make life one hellish journey.
I always mutter about my fate, my lot in life and my miserable existence. And I like making myself cry at night… (yeah) about how ugly and fat I am and about how I never had any boyfriend (haha, daw laon), and how I have never tasted what a kiss feels like (can’t even imagine it) and how stupid I would feel in the morning because of doing so.
Anyway, when I listened to DYBS around lunchtime today, I learned that I am not supposed to feel like it. That I should not grouch.
It is unseemly for a Christian to grouch. According to the pastor, If is not worst than what Jesus suffered on the cross, hindi iyun dapat sabihing mahirap. Nakakahiya.
He even mentioned about not being recognized for hard work and feeling bad about it. He said that Jesus himself was crucified by the very people He fed, one time, and He even asked forgiveness for them.
He said that if we follow Jesus’s example, tataas ang ating threshold of pain. We would no longer be the pitiful, whining little mortals. Instead, papasalamatan natin ang lakas na ibinigay niya para makayanan ang mga pagsubok. (My Filipino is a little bit rusty).
Whinings, bickerings, complaining only makes us weak. It dispirits those around us. Nawawalan sila ng drive to continue. It only makes others feel bad so we should not indulge in this selfish thing.
One of Jesus’ ministry is to give Himself and to serve others. And if we want to follow Him, this should also be our goal.
The pastor also mentioned two problems that make this difficult:
Selfishness
Doubt
So we should always ask God not to give us faith (the fact that we are praying to Him shows we have faith). We should ask Him to increase our faith.
And remember:
Everything is possible for him who believes.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Strange Requirements
It is clearance week at last. A time, one really childish and spiteful teacher exclaimed, to get even.
Students who used to terrorize teachers or at least make teacher’s life difficult will now have their comeuppance.
I guess that is sort of , hehe, frightening. Because teachers sort of controls the strings totally.
Anyway, I forgot all about clearance hassles in highschool because when I went to college, our clearances were left to the hands of our chairperson who slaved over it one whole week before the final examinations.
Going back to my old alma mater surprised me about how clearance week has become a sort of doomsweek for the students.
I guess I contributed my own share of trouble this year by requiring them to:
1. submit their students profile
2. submit their notebooks (complete)
3. return their books
4. pay their back accounts
But, I think mine is minor compared to what is usually practiced.
Here are some of the strange requirements that teachers usually require students for their clearances to be signed:
compost/humus
- even non TLE (Technology and Livelihood Ed) classes requires these. I know of some Filipino, science and math teachers who have asked for these
Rocks (or igang)
brooms
P5
- I don’t know what these were for. I just heard one social studies teacher requiring these.
plants (daang buhi guid)
plastic cover
manila paper
file case
basketball ball/volleyball ball (ha?) for those who have no PE books
trowels
atbp.
Yes, definitely atbp.
Teachers have the freedom to request whatever they want from students at this point in time. No one would say no. Kahadluk lang nila.
Students no longer says much at this point as long as mapirmahan lang ang clearances nila.
Teachers, as years pass by, get more creative. During my highschool heydays, the worst things that a teacher would ask you to bring are a compilation of your projects for the school year (that was in our social studies class).
I know of one former classmate who asked his students to buy DVD/CD tapes of several films he required.
One of the teachers of my sisters once asked them to contribute several pesoses for a tape and a player.
Whew.
Right now, I am thinking about a nice requirement from my students in the years to come.
How about…a prospective boyfriend? Or a house and lot maybe?or why not a new cellphone? Or an mp3 player (mp ano dun ya uso subong man?)
What do you think? Feel free to add your requests. Sky’s the limit.
Students who used to terrorize teachers or at least make teacher’s life difficult will now have their comeuppance.
I guess that is sort of , hehe, frightening. Because teachers sort of controls the strings totally.
Anyway, I forgot all about clearance hassles in highschool because when I went to college, our clearances were left to the hands of our chairperson who slaved over it one whole week before the final examinations.
Going back to my old alma mater surprised me about how clearance week has become a sort of doomsweek for the students.
I guess I contributed my own share of trouble this year by requiring them to:
1. submit their students profile
2. submit their notebooks (complete)
3. return their books
4. pay their back accounts
But, I think mine is minor compared to what is usually practiced.
Here are some of the strange requirements that teachers usually require students for their clearances to be signed:
compost/humus
- even non TLE (Technology and Livelihood Ed) classes requires these. I know of some Filipino, science and math teachers who have asked for these
Rocks (or igang)
brooms
P5
- I don’t know what these were for. I just heard one social studies teacher requiring these.
plants (daang buhi guid)
plastic cover
manila paper
file case
basketball ball/volleyball ball (ha?) for those who have no PE books
trowels
atbp.
Yes, definitely atbp.
Teachers have the freedom to request whatever they want from students at this point in time. No one would say no. Kahadluk lang nila.
Students no longer says much at this point as long as mapirmahan lang ang clearances nila.
Teachers, as years pass by, get more creative. During my highschool heydays, the worst things that a teacher would ask you to bring are a compilation of your projects for the school year (that was in our social studies class).
I know of one former classmate who asked his students to buy DVD/CD tapes of several films he required.
One of the teachers of my sisters once asked them to contribute several pesoses for a tape and a player.
Whew.
Right now, I am thinking about a nice requirement from my students in the years to come.
How about…a prospective boyfriend? Or a house and lot maybe?or why not a new cellphone? Or an mp3 player (mp ano dun ya uso subong man?)
What do you think? Feel free to add your requests. Sky’s the limit.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The Raving Lunatic
Brain: What do you want? Adulation?
Me: Not exactly…
Brain: huh?
Me: (eyebrows raised)
Brain: Go. Grovel, beg. Make them worship you.
Me: (frown)
Brain: Of course I know. I know you well. (sniggers and looks mocking)
Me: (turns away)
What do you do when confronted with the truth?
Ako? Well, I usually give the truth-teller a confused stare and leave as fast as I could. But, when it is yourself who reveals the truth, what do you do?
Ako? (again) I go to the Adoration chapel and ask God to help me.
Well, yeah. God does not answer me back, but it does make me feel a little bit better knowing I can whine and cry and blame God for awhile.
Anyway, I do feel bad just about now. Why?
Every earthly thing I did keeps haunting me. And in the end, I realized, I got nothing out of all the things I did. And that makes me feel really bad.
I gave up the things I have always wanted to do because I did the things which I have to do for others.
And what did the others have to say afterwards? Thank you? Good job plus a pat on the back or head (as if I were an attention-hungry dog).And then, another can you do this for me….
Makes me feel tired….
Bitter…
A little bit angry…
…And disillusioned…
And now, where are the others? Gone with the wind I guess. They have already forgotten me.
I guess, I am going to get absolutely selfish next year. It is going to be me, me and more me… and maybe God.
God never leaves you alone. He is there, always. Sometimes, the fact that you are aware of his presence, that he is watching, makes doing odd things a little bit eerie, weird. It makes you feel conscious.
I guess, I was right to say that in every event in our life, all we really have are memories. And sometimes, memories can be taken away.
How sad.
I know when I reread this blog in the future; I would smile and think, I was like this before. When I was too young, not mature enough and bloody self-centered and selfish.
I am not mad with the world. No. I am just a little bit disillusioned and unhappy.
Me: Not exactly…
Brain: huh?
Me: (eyebrows raised)
Brain: Go. Grovel, beg. Make them worship you.
Me: (frown)
Brain: Of course I know. I know you well. (sniggers and looks mocking)
Me: (turns away)
What do you do when confronted with the truth?
Ako? Well, I usually give the truth-teller a confused stare and leave as fast as I could. But, when it is yourself who reveals the truth, what do you do?
Ako? (again) I go to the Adoration chapel and ask God to help me.
Well, yeah. God does not answer me back, but it does make me feel a little bit better knowing I can whine and cry and blame God for awhile.
Anyway, I do feel bad just about now. Why?
Every earthly thing I did keeps haunting me. And in the end, I realized, I got nothing out of all the things I did. And that makes me feel really bad.
I gave up the things I have always wanted to do because I did the things which I have to do for others.
And what did the others have to say afterwards? Thank you? Good job plus a pat on the back or head (as if I were an attention-hungry dog).And then, another can you do this for me….
Makes me feel tired….
Bitter…
A little bit angry…
…And disillusioned…
And now, where are the others? Gone with the wind I guess. They have already forgotten me.
I guess, I am going to get absolutely selfish next year. It is going to be me, me and more me… and maybe God.
God never leaves you alone. He is there, always. Sometimes, the fact that you are aware of his presence, that he is watching, makes doing odd things a little bit eerie, weird. It makes you feel conscious.
I guess, I was right to say that in every event in our life, all we really have are memories. And sometimes, memories can be taken away.
How sad.
I know when I reread this blog in the future; I would smile and think, I was like this before. When I was too young, not mature enough and bloody self-centered and selfish.
I am not mad with the world. No. I am just a little bit disillusioned and unhappy.
Lost in Space
Wala lang. Feel lang ya title.
I am going to take my M. A. Ed entrance test this coming Saturday.
Am I excited? You bet.
I guess, I just like the independent dependence of student life. That is what I missed most about being a student for almost 16 years of my life.
You follow a student friendly system. You get to live with your ideals and you always have the excuse of youth for every screw ups you commit.
Life was definitely the best when you were a student. You simply have the best of all worlds. I guess, I managed to explore most of the academic side of all things. I was not the “maller” type and I only started malling when I found out that malls have books in them.
I was also not the “movies-type” since I found going to movies alone or even with friends very expensive. I also can’t see very well in the dark and the fact that I am inside a dark chamber makes me feel a little bit ill.
I was also not the “nights-out, party-girl type” (I was more the party-pooper type). I haven’t entered a disco pub or bar (ever) and I always feel out of place during school affairs that requires hotel entrances. I even did not attend our Senior’s Night in college.
I was the library-girl type, the straight-from-school-to-home type. I spent most of my spare time in the library, the publication office and the canteen.
I also did not get along very well with other people. In fact, many would attest to my absolute lack of social polish (I do not even have nail polish).
This time however, I am going to do everything that a student is supposed to do.
And no, I do not really mean going to malls, movies and parties. What I mean is I am going to open my mind and heart this time.
I am not just going to use my brain in this endeavor but my passion to learn and do everything.
I want to rediscover my old ideals and beliefs.
I am going to take my M. A. Ed entrance test this coming Saturday.
Am I excited? You bet.
I guess, I just like the independent dependence of student life. That is what I missed most about being a student for almost 16 years of my life.
You follow a student friendly system. You get to live with your ideals and you always have the excuse of youth for every screw ups you commit.
Life was definitely the best when you were a student. You simply have the best of all worlds. I guess, I managed to explore most of the academic side of all things. I was not the “maller” type and I only started malling when I found out that malls have books in them.
I was also not the “movies-type” since I found going to movies alone or even with friends very expensive. I also can’t see very well in the dark and the fact that I am inside a dark chamber makes me feel a little bit ill.
I was also not the “nights-out, party-girl type” (I was more the party-pooper type). I haven’t entered a disco pub or bar (ever) and I always feel out of place during school affairs that requires hotel entrances. I even did not attend our Senior’s Night in college.
I was the library-girl type, the straight-from-school-to-home type. I spent most of my spare time in the library, the publication office and the canteen.
I also did not get along very well with other people. In fact, many would attest to my absolute lack of social polish (I do not even have nail polish).
This time however, I am going to do everything that a student is supposed to do.
And no, I do not really mean going to malls, movies and parties. What I mean is I am going to open my mind and heart this time.
I am not just going to use my brain in this endeavor but my passion to learn and do everything.
I want to rediscover my old ideals and beliefs.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
A Poison Post
A poison letter almost destroyed a superintendent. This post is an example of a poison post. Oh, I know it would not destroy the things I hate but at least, it would expel them from my mind.
This is my hatelist
Nick Jonas
I dislike Nick. I do not know why, I just don’t like him. He keeps getting all the vocals when he is not actually that good. I don’t like listening to him wail his songs out. They were beautiful songs but listening to him is killing me.
Miley Cyrus
I hate her too. My sister’s talk about her a lot and that makes me hate her.
Mathematics
If I become the DepEd Secretary, I would erase mathematics from the school curriculum
Him
He is someone I really do not know but has come to hate because of his pretentious wise-ass attitude and his crappy rudeness online. Go to hell!
Misconceptions
I hate them. I abhor them. Believing that something is not what it is and finding out later how silly you have become over it is a disgusting and harrowing experience.
Doing house chores
I hate doing them. When I was young, my mother tried to impress upon me the beauty of hard work. They all tried to make me believe that a woman’s place is in the home. Huh. That is why I hate houe chores. It is woman’s work.
Dressing up
I hate these too. Women are supposed to dress up, look good, and wear lipstick and make-up. I don’t know why I have to do them anyway. I guess my body is a little bit confused about my biological sex, I have started growing facial hairs just recently. Duh.
Socializing
I hate these lot. It kills me, trying to pretend to be nice to tiresome irritating and boring people because you have to bootlick them all to get what you want. I hate stroking sleeping panthers and trying to pretend they are harmless cats who won’t gobble you up like a helpless vermin.
Falling in love
I hate this too. Thinking you have fallen in love with an entity only to find out that you don’t know him at all. Huh.
Shopping
I hate it. My mother and sisters love to wander about stores and shops and all that but I find it pointless. I don’t find it necessary to unearth all shop materials inside a store just so you can get something which is actually in front of you. But, picking up books I need takes me hours. I once stayed inside National Bookstore for three hours and I did not even realize it.
Teleseryes
Filipino style. I detest them. They are so full of crap and nonsense and caters too much to the spoiled local palette. Instead of showing sensible flicks, why do we have to have lengthy teleseryes that takes decades to complete?
X-Men, Spider Man and other men heroes things
Crap. Why not X-Women, Spider Woman, Super Woman…
Tall, thin guys with insensitive hearts
Meet them a lot and hate them too. I like chubby men, men I can hug, you know.
People who like taking advantage of others
That is self explanatory
The system
I have unconsciously shared thoughts about the system with Adel. What do I mean by this? All things have a certain system. Education has a system. Organizations have systems. The government has a system. Tanan maay system. Anything that shackles aa person and leaves him or her tied to something she opr he does not really want to in the first place. That is the system. Anything that does not give you the chance to be creative, be yourself, grow at your own pace, move according to the dictates of your heart. That is the system. Anything that requires you to be clinical and to follow certain impersonal and indifferent procedures? That is the system.
This is my hatelist
Nick Jonas
I dislike Nick. I do not know why, I just don’t like him. He keeps getting all the vocals when he is not actually that good. I don’t like listening to him wail his songs out. They were beautiful songs but listening to him is killing me.
Miley Cyrus
I hate her too. My sister’s talk about her a lot and that makes me hate her.
Mathematics
If I become the DepEd Secretary, I would erase mathematics from the school curriculum
Him
He is someone I really do not know but has come to hate because of his pretentious wise-ass attitude and his crappy rudeness online. Go to hell!
Misconceptions
I hate them. I abhor them. Believing that something is not what it is and finding out later how silly you have become over it is a disgusting and harrowing experience.
Doing house chores
I hate doing them. When I was young, my mother tried to impress upon me the beauty of hard work. They all tried to make me believe that a woman’s place is in the home. Huh. That is why I hate houe chores. It is woman’s work.
Dressing up
I hate these too. Women are supposed to dress up, look good, and wear lipstick and make-up. I don’t know why I have to do them anyway. I guess my body is a little bit confused about my biological sex, I have started growing facial hairs just recently. Duh.
Socializing
I hate these lot. It kills me, trying to pretend to be nice to tiresome irritating and boring people because you have to bootlick them all to get what you want. I hate stroking sleeping panthers and trying to pretend they are harmless cats who won’t gobble you up like a helpless vermin.
Falling in love
I hate this too. Thinking you have fallen in love with an entity only to find out that you don’t know him at all. Huh.
Shopping
I hate it. My mother and sisters love to wander about stores and shops and all that but I find it pointless. I don’t find it necessary to unearth all shop materials inside a store just so you can get something which is actually in front of you. But, picking up books I need takes me hours. I once stayed inside National Bookstore for three hours and I did not even realize it.
Teleseryes
Filipino style. I detest them. They are so full of crap and nonsense and caters too much to the spoiled local palette. Instead of showing sensible flicks, why do we have to have lengthy teleseryes that takes decades to complete?
X-Men, Spider Man and other men heroes things
Crap. Why not X-Women, Spider Woman, Super Woman…
Tall, thin guys with insensitive hearts
Meet them a lot and hate them too. I like chubby men, men I can hug, you know.
People who like taking advantage of others
That is self explanatory
The system
I have unconsciously shared thoughts about the system with Adel. What do I mean by this? All things have a certain system. Education has a system. Organizations have systems. The government has a system. Tanan maay system. Anything that shackles aa person and leaves him or her tied to something she opr he does not really want to in the first place. That is the system. Anything that does not give you the chance to be creative, be yourself, grow at your own pace, move according to the dictates of your heart. That is the system. Anything that requires you to be clinical and to follow certain impersonal and indifferent procedures? That is the system.
Why am I doing what I am doing
I don’t know. Yeah sure, standard answer.
That is the only coherent thing I can give right now. Well, yes, my mind is figuratively swirling with macabre and frighteningly ghastly thoughts.
But I do know I had to sort this one out.
I am going to embark on a new venture and I know I have to find answers to questions that must be answered before I can say that I can truly move on now.
While riding the bus to Iloilo, I started asking myself certain questions. One question stumped me. I used to know the answer to that question. Way back in college, I can honestly give an answer which no one can understand except me. But that was okay since only my opinion counts in this particular matter.
Who am I?
My answer? I am Me.
Simple.
But that was before. Before I became a confused secondary school teacher in a public school.
Back then, I honestly knew who I was. I know the things I want, the things I stood for. I know what I like and what I hate. I also know what I want to do with myself and my life later on.
I know I did not care what others think about me. I know I did not need to explain myself to anybody. I was aware that I was accountable to God for all my actions. I know I like reading and being a lone and I know I wanted to become one of the LET topnotchers of my time.
Now, however, my career, my dreams, my ambitions and the expectations of others about me are constantly clashing against each other making me very confused about a lot of things.
Who am I?
My answer now: I don’t know. I no longer know what I want, what I don’t want. Most of all., I no longer know any of ideals or principles that I should stand up for.
College life was very simple. I have simple ideals.
Never cheat.
Always listen.
Treat every situation as an opportunity for learning.
Never talk uselessly.
Never explain yourself.
Simple matters that I took to heart even until graduation.
Now, however, things are a whole lot more complicated that I first expected them to be.
When Adel and I talked the last time we met (which was a week ago), she told me that she left her job because she wanted to keep her principles.
She wanted to hold on to it and to keep it safe from worldly corruption.
I thought, that is nice. I would want that too.
But the thought made me pause.
Why?
I no longer know what are the principles and ideals that I hold dear to my heart. Maybe, I no longer have them.
That is the only coherent thing I can give right now. Well, yes, my mind is figuratively swirling with macabre and frighteningly ghastly thoughts.
But I do know I had to sort this one out.
I am going to embark on a new venture and I know I have to find answers to questions that must be answered before I can say that I can truly move on now.
While riding the bus to Iloilo, I started asking myself certain questions. One question stumped me. I used to know the answer to that question. Way back in college, I can honestly give an answer which no one can understand except me. But that was okay since only my opinion counts in this particular matter.
Who am I?
My answer? I am Me.
Simple.
But that was before. Before I became a confused secondary school teacher in a public school.
Back then, I honestly knew who I was. I know the things I want, the things I stood for. I know what I like and what I hate. I also know what I want to do with myself and my life later on.
I know I did not care what others think about me. I know I did not need to explain myself to anybody. I was aware that I was accountable to God for all my actions. I know I like reading and being a lone and I know I wanted to become one of the LET topnotchers of my time.
Now, however, my career, my dreams, my ambitions and the expectations of others about me are constantly clashing against each other making me very confused about a lot of things.
Who am I?
My answer now: I don’t know. I no longer know what I want, what I don’t want. Most of all., I no longer know any of ideals or principles that I should stand up for.
College life was very simple. I have simple ideals.
Never cheat.
Always listen.
Treat every situation as an opportunity for learning.
Never talk uselessly.
Never explain yourself.
Simple matters that I took to heart even until graduation.
Now, however, things are a whole lot more complicated that I first expected them to be.
When Adel and I talked the last time we met (which was a week ago), she told me that she left her job because she wanted to keep her principles.
She wanted to hold on to it and to keep it safe from worldly corruption.
I thought, that is nice. I would want that too.
But the thought made me pause.
Why?
I no longer know what are the principles and ideals that I hold dear to my heart. Maybe, I no longer have them.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Regrets
I know I make seriou msitakes and I hate myself when I make them. You know what, I am writing this now in the highest peak of an angry feeling that keeps welling up inside me after a very short session with an ugly person.
Yeah, right.
Can you delete moments from your life? If I could, I would. And I would also delete those persons who made me feel a little angry.
Yes, I hate you. Thank God, you are not a reader of this blog and thank God that you will never now I have been writing about you in a silly way.
Yes, If I could, I would erase from my mind entirely.
If I could, I would happily eradicate you from the list of persons who have become special for me over the years.
Go to hell, idiot. And rot there.
Yeah, right.
Can you delete moments from your life? If I could, I would. And I would also delete those persons who made me feel a little angry.
Yes, I hate you. Thank God, you are not a reader of this blog and thank God that you will never now I have been writing about you in a silly way.
Yes, If I could, I would erase from my mind entirely.
If I could, I would happily eradicate you from the list of persons who have become special for me over the years.
Go to hell, idiot. And rot there.
HAHA-Land
WARNING: The title is absolutely not related to the content of this post.
My sister is overly fond of Demi Lovato’s Lalaland and I guess this sort of influenced the title of the post. I just wanted to write some blah blah land online and note down Demi’s song and my sister’s addiction to her.
Oh, I like Demi, her overly wide mouth, innocent big, big eyes and her voice. Yep. I like the girl, a lot, but not to the point of spending almost all my time trying to watch all her video’s on youtube.
Yes. My sister is a crazy girl. Hehe. She’s been speaking, walking, dancing and singing-Demi most of the time.
And the youngest girl at home? Well, the little monster okay.
And that is what I wanted to talk about in this post. My sisters. My beloved, beautiful younger sisters who made my life a living hell and heaven here on earth.
I have two younger sisters. They, to my mother’s standards, are pretty girls with nice, trim bodies and definitely normal attitudes about life.
Or so everyone who do not know them as well as I do would say.
Mary Verne (whom we fondly call as Gigie and Kakak when she was younger), was the hyperactive little hellion who loves all the normal pleasures and pressures of a typical teener.
She turned twenty last January and has yet to graduate from college. Why? Nanay made her stop on her first semester because she went out very late one night and was not able to come home. She said she slept in her bestfriend’s home since she missed the last bus homebound.
There is nothing wrong with this Demi-lover sister of mine. She is definitely nice, outgoing and a little bit too naïve for her own good.
Nanay was afraid that her classmates would take advantage of her naivety and that she would just end up pregnant and miserable. She also had a boyfriend that time so Nanay did not trust her.
So all the while she took a long leave of absence from school, we tried to drill the essence of keeping herself free from any encumbrances of a romantic nature.
In fact, before nanay agreed to send her back to school next year, she made my sister promise to turn over her cellphone and not involve herself in any romantic entanglements until her graduation.
She did make her promise and is now quite busy texting her friends all the time because she said she would miss them in the years to come.
Nanay’s rules were very simple. If she wants to go to school, she is not allowed to have a boyfriend. If boys are interested, the y should court her at home but she is not allowed to give in to any of them. Dating is absolutely out of the question and if she gets any failing grade, she would have to bid college goodbye and prepare herself for a lifetime of drudgery under my mothers tutelage.
What a cruel faith. We are trying to bring back her interest on her arts and away from texting so that she would have something to turn to if worse comes to worst.
Then, there is April Roxanne Miracle, the little girl who nearly died when she was a baby.
Nene, in school, seems like a typical Filipina made who can not break a glass. She is very quiet (in school), self-effacing, humble and slow to anger.
But she is not like that at home.
No.
At home, Nene is the boss, the master. She takes care of most of the houseworks (she is a neat little thing with an obsessive-compulsive drive to always keep the house clean). She does not want anyone messing with her arrangements.
She is typically temperamental at home and would scream and shout the house down if anyone iinterferes with her work.
She is very bull-headed and everyone is sort of afraid of her. She has a sharp tongue and lashes out at the least provocation.
Nobody is allowed to rest until she says. No one watches TV until her Killerbee top 30 has finished airing on Sundays and no one is allowed to turn off the radio if she is cleaning up the entire house.
If she turns up nice and sweet and talks to you in a gentle voice, beware, she would ask a favor from you.
But, Nene and Gigie are really nice sisters. They made things easy for me. Gigie always washes my clothes and massages my back (yes, I am spoiled too) and nene always covers up for any household chores that I fail to do.
Gigie has had many boyfriends but only two are legal and only one has visited our home. Her boyfriends could not abide her because gigie is not allowed to leave home at all, unless there is some errand she had to run.
Nene has never had any boyfriend but has received announcements of affection and letters from someone or other.
The first time a boy held her hand, she ran to our father crying. And Nanay had to hunt down the boy and make him apologize to my sister.
Whatever and whoever they are, I love them all. My life would be dull and boring and difficult without them.
My sister is overly fond of Demi Lovato’s Lalaland and I guess this sort of influenced the title of the post. I just wanted to write some blah blah land online and note down Demi’s song and my sister’s addiction to her.
Oh, I like Demi, her overly wide mouth, innocent big, big eyes and her voice. Yep. I like the girl, a lot, but not to the point of spending almost all my time trying to watch all her video’s on youtube.
Yes. My sister is a crazy girl. Hehe. She’s been speaking, walking, dancing and singing-Demi most of the time.
And the youngest girl at home? Well, the little monster okay.
And that is what I wanted to talk about in this post. My sisters. My beloved, beautiful younger sisters who made my life a living hell and heaven here on earth.
I have two younger sisters. They, to my mother’s standards, are pretty girls with nice, trim bodies and definitely normal attitudes about life.
Or so everyone who do not know them as well as I do would say.
Mary Verne (whom we fondly call as Gigie and Kakak when she was younger), was the hyperactive little hellion who loves all the normal pleasures and pressures of a typical teener.
She turned twenty last January and has yet to graduate from college. Why? Nanay made her stop on her first semester because she went out very late one night and was not able to come home. She said she slept in her bestfriend’s home since she missed the last bus homebound.
There is nothing wrong with this Demi-lover sister of mine. She is definitely nice, outgoing and a little bit too naïve for her own good.
Nanay was afraid that her classmates would take advantage of her naivety and that she would just end up pregnant and miserable. She also had a boyfriend that time so Nanay did not trust her.
So all the while she took a long leave of absence from school, we tried to drill the essence of keeping herself free from any encumbrances of a romantic nature.
In fact, before nanay agreed to send her back to school next year, she made my sister promise to turn over her cellphone and not involve herself in any romantic entanglements until her graduation.
She did make her promise and is now quite busy texting her friends all the time because she said she would miss them in the years to come.
Nanay’s rules were very simple. If she wants to go to school, she is not allowed to have a boyfriend. If boys are interested, the y should court her at home but she is not allowed to give in to any of them. Dating is absolutely out of the question and if she gets any failing grade, she would have to bid college goodbye and prepare herself for a lifetime of drudgery under my mothers tutelage.
What a cruel faith. We are trying to bring back her interest on her arts and away from texting so that she would have something to turn to if worse comes to worst.
Then, there is April Roxanne Miracle, the little girl who nearly died when she was a baby.
Nene, in school, seems like a typical Filipina made who can not break a glass. She is very quiet (in school), self-effacing, humble and slow to anger.
But she is not like that at home.
No.
At home, Nene is the boss, the master. She takes care of most of the houseworks (she is a neat little thing with an obsessive-compulsive drive to always keep the house clean). She does not want anyone messing with her arrangements.
She is typically temperamental at home and would scream and shout the house down if anyone iinterferes with her work.
She is very bull-headed and everyone is sort of afraid of her. She has a sharp tongue and lashes out at the least provocation.
Nobody is allowed to rest until she says. No one watches TV until her Killerbee top 30 has finished airing on Sundays and no one is allowed to turn off the radio if she is cleaning up the entire house.
If she turns up nice and sweet and talks to you in a gentle voice, beware, she would ask a favor from you.
But, Nene and Gigie are really nice sisters. They made things easy for me. Gigie always washes my clothes and massages my back (yes, I am spoiled too) and nene always covers up for any household chores that I fail to do.
Gigie has had many boyfriends but only two are legal and only one has visited our home. Her boyfriends could not abide her because gigie is not allowed to leave home at all, unless there is some errand she had to run.
Nene has never had any boyfriend but has received announcements of affection and letters from someone or other.
The first time a boy held her hand, she ran to our father crying. And Nanay had to hunt down the boy and make him apologize to my sister.
Whatever and whoever they are, I love them all. My life would be dull and boring and difficult without them.
Severus Thoughts
Severus Snape.
Yep.
Severus Snape.
He is the Hogwarts schoolmaster whom everybody sort of hated for awhile because he was quite cruel and unkind to Harry.
Well, unkind is an understatement, I know.
Everybody used to scream, I love Harry. I love Daniel. I like Draco… blah, blah, blah.
But, I have fancied Severus Snape early on. When I first watched the movie when I was in fourth year, I sort of like the dirty-looking potions master.
When I read the book which a classmate and friend kindly lent me, I loved the character. Ask Adel. Dib ala Del, I did say that I liked Snape?
Why?
ü He was a sad man and I am fascinated by unhappy people. I don’t know. I guess, it just seems melancholic. A little gothic, yes, but definitely appealing.
ü Snape was very controlled and quite icy. I adore men who can control their emotions and act quite indifferently.
ü He also does not feel as if he had to explain himself to anybody. No, Severus does not see himself as accountable to anyone. He moves and acts and does not care what anyone else thought about him and what he was doing.
ü He is not vain, physically speaking. He does not feel compelled to look handsome and appear cool or whatever to everybody.
ü He was totally himself in his dealings. He was a cool, albeit irritating teacher and if I were his student, I just might fall all over him.
ü Nobody liked him. Every Harry Potter fan has picked the most handsome, cool and powerful people in the series. My friends expressed fascination and adoration on Harry, Ron, the Weasely twins, Draco, the guy who became the Twilight hero, even Voldemort’s Tom Riddle character. But, I always had a special place for Snape in my heart. He shares it with Luna Lovegood and Hermione Granger.
ü Basta, I like Snape. A lot.
Aside from Snape, I also have a fascination for Luna Lovegood. I was actually hoping and wishing and praying that J.K. will make Luna Lovegood Harry’s partner.
Luna was a fascinating eccentric creature and I absolutely adored her. Again, for the same reasons as I liked Snape. Nobody liked Luna and Luna was not a cool character.
But, I still liked her.
I guess I am sucker for people who stood out like a sore thumb in a roomful of really beautiful people.
Hehe. I am a sucker for the underdog, for the weakling, for the alienated piece of humanity who never quite fitted in.
Being different is quite difficult. But Snape and Luna both proved that we, strangers and oddities that we all are, can actually cope, and cope well.
Yes. We all feel strange to everybody. I am sure that we all feel a sort of alienation from time to time.
That is normal. Trying to fit into to the normal concept is a cliché. An overdone concept. Not really required for a person to be happy.
Yep.
Severus Snape.
He is the Hogwarts schoolmaster whom everybody sort of hated for awhile because he was quite cruel and unkind to Harry.
Well, unkind is an understatement, I know.
Everybody used to scream, I love Harry. I love Daniel. I like Draco… blah, blah, blah.
But, I have fancied Severus Snape early on. When I first watched the movie when I was in fourth year, I sort of like the dirty-looking potions master.
When I read the book which a classmate and friend kindly lent me, I loved the character. Ask Adel. Dib ala Del, I did say that I liked Snape?
Why?
ü He was a sad man and I am fascinated by unhappy people. I don’t know. I guess, it just seems melancholic. A little gothic, yes, but definitely appealing.
ü Snape was very controlled and quite icy. I adore men who can control their emotions and act quite indifferently.
ü He also does not feel as if he had to explain himself to anybody. No, Severus does not see himself as accountable to anyone. He moves and acts and does not care what anyone else thought about him and what he was doing.
ü He is not vain, physically speaking. He does not feel compelled to look handsome and appear cool or whatever to everybody.
ü He was totally himself in his dealings. He was a cool, albeit irritating teacher and if I were his student, I just might fall all over him.
ü Nobody liked him. Every Harry Potter fan has picked the most handsome, cool and powerful people in the series. My friends expressed fascination and adoration on Harry, Ron, the Weasely twins, Draco, the guy who became the Twilight hero, even Voldemort’s Tom Riddle character. But, I always had a special place for Snape in my heart. He shares it with Luna Lovegood and Hermione Granger.
ü Basta, I like Snape. A lot.
Aside from Snape, I also have a fascination for Luna Lovegood. I was actually hoping and wishing and praying that J.K. will make Luna Lovegood Harry’s partner.
Luna was a fascinating eccentric creature and I absolutely adored her. Again, for the same reasons as I liked Snape. Nobody liked Luna and Luna was not a cool character.
But, I still liked her.
I guess I am sucker for people who stood out like a sore thumb in a roomful of really beautiful people.
Hehe. I am a sucker for the underdog, for the weakling, for the alienated piece of humanity who never quite fitted in.
Being different is quite difficult. But Snape and Luna both proved that we, strangers and oddities that we all are, can actually cope, and cope well.
Yes. We all feel strange to everybody. I am sure that we all feel a sort of alienation from time to time.
That is normal. Trying to fit into to the normal concept is a cliché. An overdone concept. Not really required for a person to be happy.
Bye, Blogger
Blogging is a whole new world for me. I have been keeping journals for almost forever (that, students, is an example of a hyperbole).
It started when Ma’am Martinez (now, Mrs. Devicais), required us to submit a journal. It was then that I discovered how beautiful it is to continuously keep stock of everything that happens in ones life.
I have been keeping diaries since I was in the first year and I met my first ever real crush. I wrote every encounter with him in one notebook which started at the beginning of the school year and ended on his graduation. I burned the blasted entry when I found out that he was getting really chummy with another girl.
Anyway. Blogging has become an extension of my very personal thoughts and feelings. It has become a sort of outlet for my raging emotions (yes, I am no longer a teenager but I am as hyperactive and as emotional as they are).
I was quite hesitant when I started blogging last year. But then, I got uninhibited as time went on. I even met some of my students in this world in cyber existence.
Aside from that, thru Adel, I found a very mood-lightening blog. I do not personally know the person behind the posts but every entry guarantees a smile and a chuckle from the readers.
When I found his blog on Adel’s list, I was intrigued. Who would not be?
When I started reading the posts, I got totally hooked and fascinated. Nakaka-adik, kun si Aries pa pahambalon.
I am so glad Adel found him from somewhere. Every time I go online, I have something to go to, a guaranteed sort of happy place for me.
However, I read from his last post that he plans to leave blogworld (should it be blogspace, blog universe or blogdom?)
That is very sad.
I am going to miss reading his posts. Miss listening to the odd music. Miss reading about his funny activities and his funny experiences and his odd reactions. I would also miss the extremely animated aura I can feel every time I read his blog. The plurk part, basta, everything guid.
I wish I could hook on to something as funny as that boy in that blog.
Most of the blogs I read are depressingly bland, or totally pessimistic or absolutely in the i-hate-this-world-i-live-in mode.
This boy who is yet to have a name…and a face (a faceless, nameless blogger boy) taught me that you can actually have fun and make fun of yourself inspite of and sometimes because of yourself.
What a way to live.
I just feel sad that I would no longer have a happy place to hang out in.
It started when Ma’am Martinez (now, Mrs. Devicais), required us to submit a journal. It was then that I discovered how beautiful it is to continuously keep stock of everything that happens in ones life.
I have been keeping diaries since I was in the first year and I met my first ever real crush. I wrote every encounter with him in one notebook which started at the beginning of the school year and ended on his graduation. I burned the blasted entry when I found out that he was getting really chummy with another girl.
Anyway. Blogging has become an extension of my very personal thoughts and feelings. It has become a sort of outlet for my raging emotions (yes, I am no longer a teenager but I am as hyperactive and as emotional as they are).
I was quite hesitant when I started blogging last year. But then, I got uninhibited as time went on. I even met some of my students in this world in cyber existence.
Aside from that, thru Adel, I found a very mood-lightening blog. I do not personally know the person behind the posts but every entry guarantees a smile and a chuckle from the readers.
When I found his blog on Adel’s list, I was intrigued. Who would not be?
When I started reading the posts, I got totally hooked and fascinated. Nakaka-adik, kun si Aries pa pahambalon.
I am so glad Adel found him from somewhere. Every time I go online, I have something to go to, a guaranteed sort of happy place for me.
However, I read from his last post that he plans to leave blogworld (should it be blogspace, blog universe or blogdom?)
That is very sad.
I am going to miss reading his posts. Miss listening to the odd music. Miss reading about his funny activities and his funny experiences and his odd reactions. I would also miss the extremely animated aura I can feel every time I read his blog. The plurk part, basta, everything guid.
I wish I could hook on to something as funny as that boy in that blog.
Most of the blogs I read are depressingly bland, or totally pessimistic or absolutely in the i-hate-this-world-i-live-in mode.
This boy who is yet to have a name…and a face (a faceless, nameless blogger boy) taught me that you can actually have fun and make fun of yourself inspite of and sometimes because of yourself.
What a way to live.
I just feel sad that I would no longer have a happy place to hang out in.
Martin, the Charmer
If there was one Prince Charming in this batch of graduates, it would be the fair Martin.
Martin is one of the members of the Debating Club. He is a distant relative of our family (the father side) and a very nice and well-brought up young man.
At sixteen (are you sixteen, Mart?), Martin has shown signs of the responsible adult that he could turn out to be.
At first, I despaired of Martin’s performance in the club. Everytime I called out a meeting back then, Martin would always be begging me to let him off the hook since he had something quite important to do.
This would frustrate me and somehow, it sort of painted a negative image of what Martin is.
However, recent activities in the club showed me this other side of Martin.
Martin is not only the charmer I saw him at first. Well, yes, he is a charmer and yes, I was totally bowled over those early weeks of being in his presence.
Martin’s charm was quite lethal (hehe, what am I saying?). To be really honest, I had this little crush on Martin because he was so adorable and so absolutely charming… (hello, vocabulary brain portion, I need another word for charm here).
I found his smile really appealing and his strange and odd ways of speaking and doing things (hehe, shocking!). I used to think that of there is a Prince here, he would look like Martin.
The only problem with him is that he is sort of pa-cute. And when I told him that, he said that was not true. Well, maybe it was unintentional…or maybe I just find him really cute (note, define cute).
Another problem is, when he grows up, I have this feeling that he is the type who just might grow a sizeable pot belly, if he is not conscious of his health (yeah, yeah, I know I am fat and this is just a case of the pot calling the kettle black or the pther way around).
Anyway, Martin is a nice lad and while working with him at the D’club, I realized that Martin is not the type who would say a lot of things just to make you feel a little better.
No. He does not say much but he does a lot. He does not make empty promises. Instead, he performs.
He promised to do something and yes, he does live to deliver it.
I have come to trust this little fellow a lot.
I used to think that Martin is the one with a lesser sense of commitment to the club but I was wrong. He is a very busy kid because he is involved in a lot of organizations in the school but he always tries his best to do his part no matter how difficult they are.
Martin is also a serious guy and yes, I did witness an almost effeminate aspect of himself but that does not make him gay.
Martin is definitely a Prince Charming. He can be trusted, in more ways than one and he has sense. He also has a healthy confidence in himself. Not too much to make him arrogant and boastful and definitely very irritating, not too little to make him boring and tiresome and very defensive. He has a healthy enough dose, enough for him to develop a healthy perspective of the things around him.
There is more to Martin than meets the eyes. What I fancied to be a perfectly normal kid actually has an unplumbed inner core that signifies strength and dependability.
He is a good young man and I do hope and pray that God would guide him along his path and make sure that he grows up to be what he was intended to be.
Go, Martin!
Martin is one of the members of the Debating Club. He is a distant relative of our family (the father side) and a very nice and well-brought up young man.
At sixteen (are you sixteen, Mart?), Martin has shown signs of the responsible adult that he could turn out to be.
At first, I despaired of Martin’s performance in the club. Everytime I called out a meeting back then, Martin would always be begging me to let him off the hook since he had something quite important to do.
This would frustrate me and somehow, it sort of painted a negative image of what Martin is.
However, recent activities in the club showed me this other side of Martin.
Martin is not only the charmer I saw him at first. Well, yes, he is a charmer and yes, I was totally bowled over those early weeks of being in his presence.
Martin’s charm was quite lethal (hehe, what am I saying?). To be really honest, I had this little crush on Martin because he was so adorable and so absolutely charming… (hello, vocabulary brain portion, I need another word for charm here).
I found his smile really appealing and his strange and odd ways of speaking and doing things (hehe, shocking!). I used to think that of there is a Prince here, he would look like Martin.
The only problem with him is that he is sort of pa-cute. And when I told him that, he said that was not true. Well, maybe it was unintentional…or maybe I just find him really cute (note, define cute).
Another problem is, when he grows up, I have this feeling that he is the type who just might grow a sizeable pot belly, if he is not conscious of his health (yeah, yeah, I know I am fat and this is just a case of the pot calling the kettle black or the pther way around).
Anyway, Martin is a nice lad and while working with him at the D’club, I realized that Martin is not the type who would say a lot of things just to make you feel a little better.
No. He does not say much but he does a lot. He does not make empty promises. Instead, he performs.
He promised to do something and yes, he does live to deliver it.
I have come to trust this little fellow a lot.
I used to think that Martin is the one with a lesser sense of commitment to the club but I was wrong. He is a very busy kid because he is involved in a lot of organizations in the school but he always tries his best to do his part no matter how difficult they are.
Martin is also a serious guy and yes, I did witness an almost effeminate aspect of himself but that does not make him gay.
Martin is definitely a Prince Charming. He can be trusted, in more ways than one and he has sense. He also has a healthy confidence in himself. Not too much to make him arrogant and boastful and definitely very irritating, not too little to make him boring and tiresome and very defensive. He has a healthy enough dose, enough for him to develop a healthy perspective of the things around him.
There is more to Martin than meets the eyes. What I fancied to be a perfectly normal kid actually has an unplumbed inner core that signifies strength and dependability.
He is a good young man and I do hope and pray that God would guide him along his path and make sure that he grows up to be what he was intended to be.
Go, Martin!
To My Uncle Gene and His Wife
They have been gone from the family fold since I was old enough to understand about allotment and such.
Gene is my grandmother’s son who is a seafarer. He was one of the more successful siblings of my mother when it comes to financial status.
Now, he and his family are living somewhere in Cavite and had not been in touched with my lola for years now.
Tito G., has a wife who was once in the nursing field but has contentedly settled herself as wife and mother to four kids or so (I really do not know).
When I was young and Tito G was yet unmarried, he promised to send me to Med school since I have specifically wanted to become a doctor.
When I was in elementary, he married his wife and I was flower girl in their wedding. I hated the green dress I wore in the wedding though. I stood out like a sore thumb.
Anyway, when he got married, he become engrossed in family life.
Now, tito no longer sends allotment to Lola. Lola has already retired from her dried fish selling ventures in the public market and is now living off her SSS pension and that of my Lolo’s.
Lola was clamoring about the difficulty of having to keep both ends meet decently. In fact, I would not have posted this if not for her carping just this morning.
The money that my other seafaring uncle sent her all went to the medical bills and expenses of her daughter who dies of aneurysm two years ago.
Now, she is trying to fit her daily expenses on a very tight budget. She also has a son, my uncle, who is not normal (abnormal?).
My Uncle’s wife sent Lola a letter telling her of how her husband was so angry about what my lola did. The wife said that Tito G. learned from a fellow Ilonggo seaman that Lola was selling her land in Quartero and in Passi.
Lola was so angry with the accusation. Of course, she wanted to sell it. She had offered to sell it since that was her personal legacy from her own parents. But, at this day and age, who would buy a piece of land beside an unpredictable river?
Then, my uncle said that the people back here are living in an immoral manner (must be referring to the two youngest girl and boy in the family). Lola was angry again because of what he said.
Lola said that for Gene to make any opinion about such things, he ought to come home and ask the person’s concerned. He should not just believe what is being said. There is a grain of truth in my Uncle’s accusations, I guesss. But, he should not have treated his own siblings in such an offhand manner.
Anyway, that has always been the problem with my mother’s family. The lack of communication. It makes them easy prey to the evils of gossip and destroy whatever good relationship there could be.
That is the one thing that my mother has drilled into my head agaion and again. She always tells me that I should personally talk to my siblkings if there are problems. She also told me that I should put my family’s welfare first especially since I am the eldest.
She groomed me to become unlike any of her siblings who sowed contempt among the family. She wanted me to turn out like my Lolo who was the fountain of wisdom and love in the family.
Lolo was the center of his family. The one that held the threads together. When he died, the family completely unraveled and relationships have gone sour.
Gene is my grandmother’s son who is a seafarer. He was one of the more successful siblings of my mother when it comes to financial status.
Now, he and his family are living somewhere in Cavite and had not been in touched with my lola for years now.
Tito G., has a wife who was once in the nursing field but has contentedly settled herself as wife and mother to four kids or so (I really do not know).
When I was young and Tito G was yet unmarried, he promised to send me to Med school since I have specifically wanted to become a doctor.
When I was in elementary, he married his wife and I was flower girl in their wedding. I hated the green dress I wore in the wedding though. I stood out like a sore thumb.
Anyway, when he got married, he become engrossed in family life.
Now, tito no longer sends allotment to Lola. Lola has already retired from her dried fish selling ventures in the public market and is now living off her SSS pension and that of my Lolo’s.
Lola was clamoring about the difficulty of having to keep both ends meet decently. In fact, I would not have posted this if not for her carping just this morning.
The money that my other seafaring uncle sent her all went to the medical bills and expenses of her daughter who dies of aneurysm two years ago.
Now, she is trying to fit her daily expenses on a very tight budget. She also has a son, my uncle, who is not normal (abnormal?).
My Uncle’s wife sent Lola a letter telling her of how her husband was so angry about what my lola did. The wife said that Tito G. learned from a fellow Ilonggo seaman that Lola was selling her land in Quartero and in Passi.
Lola was so angry with the accusation. Of course, she wanted to sell it. She had offered to sell it since that was her personal legacy from her own parents. But, at this day and age, who would buy a piece of land beside an unpredictable river?
Then, my uncle said that the people back here are living in an immoral manner (must be referring to the two youngest girl and boy in the family). Lola was angry again because of what he said.
Lola said that for Gene to make any opinion about such things, he ought to come home and ask the person’s concerned. He should not just believe what is being said. There is a grain of truth in my Uncle’s accusations, I guesss. But, he should not have treated his own siblings in such an offhand manner.
Anyway, that has always been the problem with my mother’s family. The lack of communication. It makes them easy prey to the evils of gossip and destroy whatever good relationship there could be.
That is the one thing that my mother has drilled into my head agaion and again. She always tells me that I should personally talk to my siblkings if there are problems. She also told me that I should put my family’s welfare first especially since I am the eldest.
She groomed me to become unlike any of her siblings who sowed contempt among the family. She wanted me to turn out like my Lolo who was the fountain of wisdom and love in the family.
Lolo was the center of his family. The one that held the threads together. When he died, the family completely unraveled and relationships have gone sour.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Mild MAdness
This is a live one.
I am actuallywriting in a totally stream of consciousness (or is it unconsciousness) manner.
We had our debate last Monday. It was the first open to the public debate of the club and it was a totally harrowing experience. I nearly lost my cool.
Seeing someone else loose her cool threw me off my boiling tantrum. I had not counted on seeing a more childish behavior than my own so when I saw someone I expected to take control of the situation lost her own cool, I stopped, stared and told myself to relax.
I saw what an uncontrolled temper can do to an already strenous situation. I saw the utter dejection on the D'babies faces. Its as if cold water was thrown all over me.
I told myself to keep my call. I humbled myself that day and I tried to act maturely and responsibly.
The results may not be wha I wanted it to be. But at least, I am not blaming any one else for whatever failure there was.
No. God allowed it all to happen. I did nothing. Just played my part.
I am actuallywriting in a totally stream of consciousness (or is it unconsciousness) manner.
We had our debate last Monday. It was the first open to the public debate of the club and it was a totally harrowing experience. I nearly lost my cool.
Seeing someone else loose her cool threw me off my boiling tantrum. I had not counted on seeing a more childish behavior than my own so when I saw someone I expected to take control of the situation lost her own cool, I stopped, stared and told myself to relax.
I saw what an uncontrolled temper can do to an already strenous situation. I saw the utter dejection on the D'babies faces. Its as if cold water was thrown all over me.
I told myself to keep my call. I humbled myself that day and I tried to act maturely and responsibly.
The results may not be wha I wanted it to be. But at least, I am not blaming any one else for whatever failure there was.
No. God allowed it all to happen. I did nothing. Just played my part.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
What I Wanted and Several Disjointed Thoughts
We would like to express our outmost and heartfelt gratitude to the selfless assistance that everybody has extended to us to make this venture possible. To the Passi City Local Government for lending the ordinances, to our donors for the inherent charity, to the teachers for their valuable advice and cooperation and most of all, to God for, guiding and lighting our way. May Your will be done and may we be purveyors of Your wisdom.
Every small job, if done well, means a lot.
- from Bee Movie
This is what I wanted to post on a programme I was preparing for a school activity.
Oh, yes. I do know I sound pretentious. When my supervisor read it, I was almost sure he cringed at what I wrote. Well, the worldly me did squirm.
I mean, it was so coreless and so lame and so unliterary. I was trying to overwhelm my readers with hair-raising, nerve-wracking and spine-tingling adjectives. Yeah, definitely ewe material.
I can’t help it, eh.
Somehow, I wanted to offer all the work I did for this program to God because He made it all possible and I wanted to make it more meaningful. I also wanted to do something for Him because He gave everything to me.
(Sigh) I shouldn’t have gone into teaching. I mean, teaching is fine but the monetary value that the government gives to all the works I do everyday of my life confounds the entire issue about this mission thing.
When I was in college, I did see teaching as a lifetime mission. Something I would do not because of the money it entails but because of what I could give and share to others.
But, when your on the job, everything gets distorted.
My D’Club babies were muttering about all the things they have to do for class.
I wanted to laugh. Hehe. (I laughed!)
That is not yet the tip of the iceberg guys. You are only seeing the tippest top of the tip. (Whatever that means).
When you get to college, things will get more difficult (but more fun especially if you were able to pick a college tailor-made to your needs and your personality). When you graduate (if you do graduate, that is), things will go downhill steadily (unless you jump down a ten-storey building first).
A job is not exactly what other people color it to be. The real world is a bitter place to live in. Because by the time you leave college, your parents will no longer be obliged to protect you from the harsher realities of life and living.
And there is no one to turn to.
No one except God.
I know how it feels to be abandoned and to be ignored and to be embarrassed. I know how it feels to fail, to lose hope in someone, to be disillusioned and to be let down by the people you expect to lift you up.
I also know how it feels to be hated, be misunderstood, be blamed. I almost went crazy once because of severe disillusionments. I contemplated suicide several times (not good and definitely not advisable) just to get even with the people who let you down never really realizing that you are committing the most sacrilegious act of all-letting yourself down.
I know how success felt, how triumph tasted, and how to be on the edge of a cliff with your fingers almost touching the balloon of your dreams only to feel a soft wind blow it away from you just when you loose your footing and down you go.
But all throughout those dark and ugly days of my life, God was there. Blessing me daily. Never letting my hand go.
Did I fell from the cliff trying to reach my dreams? No. Down I went but his strong hold on me held me back. Back into the haven of His arms, His protection, his unconditional love.
God’s love is unconditional. He is always there and He never lives you. He does not just lay in wait to get your next salary and disappear when You need Him most. He shares your darkest hours, allows you to run loose awhile to give you time to realize that your pursuits are actually pointless without Him.
Success has always left me feeling empty and hollow. Unfulfilled.
Now, I know why that is so.
I felt hollow because I only succeeded in terms of the worlds standards but I did not reached Gods higher plane and definition of success.
What I do for the club is a response for the worldly need to be loved and accepted. That is why when I did not feel loved and accepted, when the craving was not satiated, I felt dispirited. Now, the drive is different.
I want to offer everything I do to God… whatever it is. My teaching, my debating club works, ALS, my everyday work.
I feel the longing to do something for God not because He needs me to do something for him. Not even because I have to, to make Him love me. Whatever I do or not do, He would love me and that would never change.
But, I wanted to do it because I want to show Him I love Him too.
That is why I am contemplating becoming a nun.
Several teachers made the comment that I just might qualify for it. Even my own mother made derisive remarks about my nunnish tendencies. I can’t blame being reticent, reserved and nun-like. Yes, I like wearing long skirts, what is wrong with that. I also wear pants anyway.
Yes, I like being covered from head to foot, so what? I just don’t see myself as a cheap commodity for everybody’s consumption (but being fat makes clothes selection difficult). I like staying at home… going out is expensive and I have compulsive buying tendencies. I never had a boyfriend. So? I read pocketbooks, romance novels with scintillating sex scenes and several erotica (yup, several by Ann Rice, actually, though I would love to collect Anais Nin’s work). I even have a membership in a black forum which has a portion for rated literature (it had an ugly effect on my senses, honestly).
By the way, reading porno lit from that forum made me realize how sin can actually affect ones relationship with God. It makes you feel that you have sinned and thus is not worthy to come in contact with anything holy, thus creating the distance between you and God.
It was an ugly existence and every time I am tempted to open my porno vault (I still have them, hehe) I beg God to help me, to never let me go.
I have just renewed my relationship with Him and the world makes it difficult to do keep it. I love God. I do not want to hurt Him but I know I hurt Him everytime I succumb to the temptation to open my P vault, scream at my siblings, hate my mother, backstab some friends, hate myself, and indulge in suicidal fantasies…
Yes. The world makes Godly contact difficult with UFO issues, evolutionism, hedonism, materialism, the internet, CD’s and DVD’s . Now, I understand why they are called the tools of the devil.
Every small job, if done well, means a lot.
- from Bee Movie
This is what I wanted to post on a programme I was preparing for a school activity.
Oh, yes. I do know I sound pretentious. When my supervisor read it, I was almost sure he cringed at what I wrote. Well, the worldly me did squirm.
I mean, it was so coreless and so lame and so unliterary. I was trying to overwhelm my readers with hair-raising, nerve-wracking and spine-tingling adjectives. Yeah, definitely ewe material.
I can’t help it, eh.
Somehow, I wanted to offer all the work I did for this program to God because He made it all possible and I wanted to make it more meaningful. I also wanted to do something for Him because He gave everything to me.
(Sigh) I shouldn’t have gone into teaching. I mean, teaching is fine but the monetary value that the government gives to all the works I do everyday of my life confounds the entire issue about this mission thing.
When I was in college, I did see teaching as a lifetime mission. Something I would do not because of the money it entails but because of what I could give and share to others.
But, when your on the job, everything gets distorted.
My D’Club babies were muttering about all the things they have to do for class.
I wanted to laugh. Hehe. (I laughed!)
That is not yet the tip of the iceberg guys. You are only seeing the tippest top of the tip. (Whatever that means).
When you get to college, things will get more difficult (but more fun especially if you were able to pick a college tailor-made to your needs and your personality). When you graduate (if you do graduate, that is), things will go downhill steadily (unless you jump down a ten-storey building first).
A job is not exactly what other people color it to be. The real world is a bitter place to live in. Because by the time you leave college, your parents will no longer be obliged to protect you from the harsher realities of life and living.
And there is no one to turn to.
No one except God.
I know how it feels to be abandoned and to be ignored and to be embarrassed. I know how it feels to fail, to lose hope in someone, to be disillusioned and to be let down by the people you expect to lift you up.
I also know how it feels to be hated, be misunderstood, be blamed. I almost went crazy once because of severe disillusionments. I contemplated suicide several times (not good and definitely not advisable) just to get even with the people who let you down never really realizing that you are committing the most sacrilegious act of all-letting yourself down.
I know how success felt, how triumph tasted, and how to be on the edge of a cliff with your fingers almost touching the balloon of your dreams only to feel a soft wind blow it away from you just when you loose your footing and down you go.
But all throughout those dark and ugly days of my life, God was there. Blessing me daily. Never letting my hand go.
Did I fell from the cliff trying to reach my dreams? No. Down I went but his strong hold on me held me back. Back into the haven of His arms, His protection, his unconditional love.
God’s love is unconditional. He is always there and He never lives you. He does not just lay in wait to get your next salary and disappear when You need Him most. He shares your darkest hours, allows you to run loose awhile to give you time to realize that your pursuits are actually pointless without Him.
Success has always left me feeling empty and hollow. Unfulfilled.
Now, I know why that is so.
I felt hollow because I only succeeded in terms of the worlds standards but I did not reached Gods higher plane and definition of success.
What I do for the club is a response for the worldly need to be loved and accepted. That is why when I did not feel loved and accepted, when the craving was not satiated, I felt dispirited. Now, the drive is different.
I want to offer everything I do to God… whatever it is. My teaching, my debating club works, ALS, my everyday work.
I feel the longing to do something for God not because He needs me to do something for him. Not even because I have to, to make Him love me. Whatever I do or not do, He would love me and that would never change.
But, I wanted to do it because I want to show Him I love Him too.
That is why I am contemplating becoming a nun.
Several teachers made the comment that I just might qualify for it. Even my own mother made derisive remarks about my nunnish tendencies. I can’t blame being reticent, reserved and nun-like. Yes, I like wearing long skirts, what is wrong with that. I also wear pants anyway.
Yes, I like being covered from head to foot, so what? I just don’t see myself as a cheap commodity for everybody’s consumption (but being fat makes clothes selection difficult). I like staying at home… going out is expensive and I have compulsive buying tendencies. I never had a boyfriend. So? I read pocketbooks, romance novels with scintillating sex scenes and several erotica (yup, several by Ann Rice, actually, though I would love to collect Anais Nin’s work). I even have a membership in a black forum which has a portion for rated literature (it had an ugly effect on my senses, honestly).
By the way, reading porno lit from that forum made me realize how sin can actually affect ones relationship with God. It makes you feel that you have sinned and thus is not worthy to come in contact with anything holy, thus creating the distance between you and God.
It was an ugly existence and every time I am tempted to open my porno vault (I still have them, hehe) I beg God to help me, to never let me go.
I have just renewed my relationship with Him and the world makes it difficult to do keep it. I love God. I do not want to hurt Him but I know I hurt Him everytime I succumb to the temptation to open my P vault, scream at my siblings, hate my mother, backstab some friends, hate myself, and indulge in suicidal fantasies…
Yes. The world makes Godly contact difficult with UFO issues, evolutionism, hedonism, materialism, the internet, CD’s and DVD’s . Now, I understand why they are called the tools of the devil.
Seasons of Empty Nest
There comes a time in a mother’s life when she knows she has to let go of her children because they have all grown up and they need to explore the world on their own.
It happens to all mothers, be they human or not.
It is the way of life. A mentor nurtures the young and once the young has matured, they now have to go and spread their wings.
How about the non-maternal beings of this planet? Do they experience the same poignant pangs of these kinds of seasons?
Probably not.
That is why I am glad I have chosen to become a teacher. At least, I could vicariously experience how it is to become a mother, through the student’s I teach, formally or informally.
The school year is about to close and I am about to loose about 300 hundred babies. The little babies with whom I spent most of my 200 or so days of teaching time.
I would miss my first year kids especially the nicely naughty ones and the really serious ones whose personalities I tried to dissect without much success.
I would also miss the senior members of the Debating Club.(Yes, I got over the debating slump because the kids are now quite cooperative and have become involved).
Vanessa, Lyzander, Rey, Shannen, Milrose, Martin, Margielyn, Rozelle, the elusive Xyza Ara Mae, Katrina, Jayrick, and James. I will miss these kids.
The other day, I made an idle remark about the eventuality of their graduation. I guess I was surprised at how fast the year has come to an end. Shannen and Martin are very eager to graduate.
Katrina is still feeling her way around her course. Jayrick is quite excited about his school. Milrose is also looking forward to her nursing stint and Rey, well, whatever Rey and James are up to, my prayers are with them.
The D’Club Babies are about to graduate! Hooray.
This batch of debaters are the Best Certified Debaters I have ever met, so far. (Hehe, gabawi lang guys). I think I am going to really miss them.
In fact, going to Iloilo feels a lot more empty now that I have memories of these people with me. I keep thinking about how Milrose loves to eat, how Rey loves to talk, how Jayrick loves to smile as if he knows something we don’t and how Shannen keeps quite and watches people. I will never forget your secret Sha.
And Vanessa, I wish I have more time with you. Kanimu man Kate. Indi na kamu sweet ni Rey haw? What happened, guys? I missed the laughers and the songs and the crazy banter the two of you usually share.
To Rey, do not forget your friends. Remember, true friends are very rare nowadays. You will never really realize how important something or someone is until you lost him/her/it.
Until now, my lack of appreciation for my highschool best friend who spoiled me with her tolerant affection and deep abiding loyalty still haunts me. I wish I was able to give back as much as she gave to me in the past but I have been so selfish and self-centered. I only realize how special she is when we had to part ways and she had to move another island.
Anyway, Rey, I am holding you to that promise of a boyfriend ha. Basi may mga instructors or teachers kamu to nga puwede kanakon, hehe. You know the kind of guy I like, big and bearlike. Dang nami i-hug. Make sure he had enough to say for himself (not about himself lang). And make it, ten years from now. That is, kun indi pako madre by that time ( I am seriously contemplating what Ma’am Flo said, you know). Kun Sister Heaven nako, then, tagua na lang sa, indi na ako pag i-tempt.
To Kate, teacher ka bala. It would be good for you. And you will be good for the students. Your sensitivity is one factor. English major ka busli ako di.
I want to leave the club to very capable hands, to a certified debater bala.
To Jayrick, maano ka ya man? You have always been a puzzle for me, you know.Follow your heart. It will take you wherever you are meant to go.And I know, whatever your heart says is usually right. Just listen to it and make sure that it knows God.
I always this odd fascination about the three of these.
Si Jayrcik, si Kate and Rey. The three are always together in my mind If I think of one, I always think of the other. Pero, this time, wala na sila gawa ga imaw.
The three usually comes from the same direction. Daw isa lang bala ya source nila nga tatlo aw. Pero this time… I don’t know.
Guys, keep in touch ha.
It happens to all mothers, be they human or not.
It is the way of life. A mentor nurtures the young and once the young has matured, they now have to go and spread their wings.
How about the non-maternal beings of this planet? Do they experience the same poignant pangs of these kinds of seasons?
Probably not.
That is why I am glad I have chosen to become a teacher. At least, I could vicariously experience how it is to become a mother, through the student’s I teach, formally or informally.
The school year is about to close and I am about to loose about 300 hundred babies. The little babies with whom I spent most of my 200 or so days of teaching time.
I would miss my first year kids especially the nicely naughty ones and the really serious ones whose personalities I tried to dissect without much success.
I would also miss the senior members of the Debating Club.(Yes, I got over the debating slump because the kids are now quite cooperative and have become involved).
Vanessa, Lyzander, Rey, Shannen, Milrose, Martin, Margielyn, Rozelle, the elusive Xyza Ara Mae, Katrina, Jayrick, and James. I will miss these kids.
The other day, I made an idle remark about the eventuality of their graduation. I guess I was surprised at how fast the year has come to an end. Shannen and Martin are very eager to graduate.
Katrina is still feeling her way around her course. Jayrick is quite excited about his school. Milrose is also looking forward to her nursing stint and Rey, well, whatever Rey and James are up to, my prayers are with them.
The D’Club Babies are about to graduate! Hooray.
This batch of debaters are the Best Certified Debaters I have ever met, so far. (Hehe, gabawi lang guys). I think I am going to really miss them.
In fact, going to Iloilo feels a lot more empty now that I have memories of these people with me. I keep thinking about how Milrose loves to eat, how Rey loves to talk, how Jayrick loves to smile as if he knows something we don’t and how Shannen keeps quite and watches people. I will never forget your secret Sha.
And Vanessa, I wish I have more time with you. Kanimu man Kate. Indi na kamu sweet ni Rey haw? What happened, guys? I missed the laughers and the songs and the crazy banter the two of you usually share.
To Rey, do not forget your friends. Remember, true friends are very rare nowadays. You will never really realize how important something or someone is until you lost him/her/it.
Until now, my lack of appreciation for my highschool best friend who spoiled me with her tolerant affection and deep abiding loyalty still haunts me. I wish I was able to give back as much as she gave to me in the past but I have been so selfish and self-centered. I only realize how special she is when we had to part ways and she had to move another island.
Anyway, Rey, I am holding you to that promise of a boyfriend ha. Basi may mga instructors or teachers kamu to nga puwede kanakon, hehe. You know the kind of guy I like, big and bearlike. Dang nami i-hug. Make sure he had enough to say for himself (not about himself lang). And make it, ten years from now. That is, kun indi pako madre by that time ( I am seriously contemplating what Ma’am Flo said, you know). Kun Sister Heaven nako, then, tagua na lang sa, indi na ako pag i-tempt.
To Kate, teacher ka bala. It would be good for you. And you will be good for the students. Your sensitivity is one factor. English major ka busli ako di.
I want to leave the club to very capable hands, to a certified debater bala.
To Jayrick, maano ka ya man? You have always been a puzzle for me, you know.Follow your heart. It will take you wherever you are meant to go.And I know, whatever your heart says is usually right. Just listen to it and make sure that it knows God.
I always this odd fascination about the three of these.
Si Jayrcik, si Kate and Rey. The three are always together in my mind If I think of one, I always think of the other. Pero, this time, wala na sila gawa ga imaw.
The three usually comes from the same direction. Daw isa lang bala ya source nila nga tatlo aw. Pero this time… I don’t know.
Guys, keep in touch ha.
Emotional Mode
I am feeling quite so lost nowadays and I do not know why. Every time I am alone, I just feel like crying.
I do not know what seems to be wrong with me. Stress? Depression? I am not exactly thinking about wanting to die. Daw di man ko kulang sa turog. I have no problem regarding my love life.
I do not exactly do a lot, really but I always feel tired and depressed. Basta. Nakapoy lang guid ako.
Work does not interest me anymore. My books are just making me feel a little bit confused. What used to matter before no longer counts now.
Maybe, I just want to be hugged and appreciated once in a while. It gets very tiring if you work in a hostile and indifferent place everyday and when you get home, you meet almost the same amount of indifference.
Its like… nobody loves me (shit, I am crying buwisit nga background music). Bisan ano ko nga lantaw ka mga paragwaon, amo man guihapon.
We have a very cruel world where everybody just does not seem to care. At home, I know my mother and siblings care… I tell myself that everyday. I just can’t feel it.
Maybe that is the reason why we have marriages ano. We need to feel that there is one person who really cares even if he or she is not related to us by blood. Someone bala who is with us not because he had no choice but because he wants to.
I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. My students, my mother, my siblings and all those people around me are with me because they had to. Wala sila choice.
I am going to turn 24 this July 31. This may sound odd but yes, I have never had a boyfriend before. Haha. I have never been kissed. Never been touched .
I never really pondered about such things before until today. And yes, I am absent in my class right now because of this oddly disturbing feeling…of sadness and I don’t know.
I wonder why no one has ever approached me for something other than my intellectual brilliance. (Ginapamangkot pa bala ina? Mahambal ang boys, what am I supposed to do with your brain). My younger sister has had three boyfriends (and counting) already. My youngest sister also received several loveletters and what not’s from guys.
Ako? Huh. Ako gapadala love letter.
I was in Grade four back then and I had a huge crush on this guy who was in the 4th section. He was tall, dark and handsome (to my elementary senses) and he also had a big crush on…. My classmate, the Pretty One who always gets all my crushes.
I did not know that girls were not supposed to court boys. No one told me and how was I supposed to know anyway. We do not talk about such things at home.
One day, when I could no longer help my feelings, I wrote a long love letter in Filipino to this guy. I promised him that I would do my best to slim down for him.
When he laughed and his classmates ridiculed me about it, I was flabbergasted. It was then and there that I learned that girls are not supposed to write love letters to boys and that girls are not supposed to court boys.
Now, at 24, I am still very very single. It is not exactly by choice. Pero to be honest, I never had any suitor. No one has ever shown any interest towards me.
I asked a friend once why this is so. I asked her if I was so ugly that no one wants to be with me. She did not exactly answer me. She made up this circuitous argument about me being beautiful the way I am and what counts is on the inside not the outside.
It does have its good moments, being physically unpleasant, I mean. I do not have to fend off unwanted interest because no one finds me appealing.
Oh yes, I did get a proposal which was jokingly made just last month. Hehe. It was from my one and only cyber friend whom I accidentally met online, in one of those IM chat rooms.
It was then that I realized why my sister gets a little crazy over her boyfriend or why my classmates tend to get wild and mad and totally out of sorts when they have some lover’s tiff. Nami guid man ka feeling nga somebody likes you because of who and what you are.
Did I accept the proposal? Jokingly, yes I did. Pero seriously, of course waay.
Anyway, It would be nice to have a boyfriend right now. But if I were really honest, I would not really know what to do with one.
Would I get crazy too? (I am already crazy). Hopefully, someday. If the right man steps into my world, I know I would know.
Do I believe in destiny? Yes, very much. The right man will come, in the right place and at the right time…when I am ready. The fact that I do not have a boyfriend now shows that I am too young and too unready to be in one… or maybe it just shows that I am really ugly and unpleasant.
What do you think?
I do not know what seems to be wrong with me. Stress? Depression? I am not exactly thinking about wanting to die. Daw di man ko kulang sa turog. I have no problem regarding my love life.
I do not exactly do a lot, really but I always feel tired and depressed. Basta. Nakapoy lang guid ako.
Work does not interest me anymore. My books are just making me feel a little bit confused. What used to matter before no longer counts now.
Maybe, I just want to be hugged and appreciated once in a while. It gets very tiring if you work in a hostile and indifferent place everyday and when you get home, you meet almost the same amount of indifference.
Its like… nobody loves me (shit, I am crying buwisit nga background music). Bisan ano ko nga lantaw ka mga paragwaon, amo man guihapon.
We have a very cruel world where everybody just does not seem to care. At home, I know my mother and siblings care… I tell myself that everyday. I just can’t feel it.
Maybe that is the reason why we have marriages ano. We need to feel that there is one person who really cares even if he or she is not related to us by blood. Someone bala who is with us not because he had no choice but because he wants to.
I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. My students, my mother, my siblings and all those people around me are with me because they had to. Wala sila choice.
I am going to turn 24 this July 31. This may sound odd but yes, I have never had a boyfriend before. Haha. I have never been kissed. Never been touched .
I never really pondered about such things before until today. And yes, I am absent in my class right now because of this oddly disturbing feeling…of sadness and I don’t know.
I wonder why no one has ever approached me for something other than my intellectual brilliance. (Ginapamangkot pa bala ina? Mahambal ang boys, what am I supposed to do with your brain). My younger sister has had three boyfriends (and counting) already. My youngest sister also received several loveletters and what not’s from guys.
Ako? Huh. Ako gapadala love letter.
I was in Grade four back then and I had a huge crush on this guy who was in the 4th section. He was tall, dark and handsome (to my elementary senses) and he also had a big crush on…. My classmate, the Pretty One who always gets all my crushes.
I did not know that girls were not supposed to court boys. No one told me and how was I supposed to know anyway. We do not talk about such things at home.
One day, when I could no longer help my feelings, I wrote a long love letter in Filipino to this guy. I promised him that I would do my best to slim down for him.
When he laughed and his classmates ridiculed me about it, I was flabbergasted. It was then and there that I learned that girls are not supposed to write love letters to boys and that girls are not supposed to court boys.
Now, at 24, I am still very very single. It is not exactly by choice. Pero to be honest, I never had any suitor. No one has ever shown any interest towards me.
I asked a friend once why this is so. I asked her if I was so ugly that no one wants to be with me. She did not exactly answer me. She made up this circuitous argument about me being beautiful the way I am and what counts is on the inside not the outside.
It does have its good moments, being physically unpleasant, I mean. I do not have to fend off unwanted interest because no one finds me appealing.
Oh yes, I did get a proposal which was jokingly made just last month. Hehe. It was from my one and only cyber friend whom I accidentally met online, in one of those IM chat rooms.
It was then that I realized why my sister gets a little crazy over her boyfriend or why my classmates tend to get wild and mad and totally out of sorts when they have some lover’s tiff. Nami guid man ka feeling nga somebody likes you because of who and what you are.
Did I accept the proposal? Jokingly, yes I did. Pero seriously, of course waay.
Anyway, It would be nice to have a boyfriend right now. But if I were really honest, I would not really know what to do with one.
Would I get crazy too? (I am already crazy). Hopefully, someday. If the right man steps into my world, I know I would know.
Do I believe in destiny? Yes, very much. The right man will come, in the right place and at the right time…when I am ready. The fact that I do not have a boyfriend now shows that I am too young and too unready to be in one… or maybe it just shows that I am really ugly and unpleasant.
What do you think?
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