The Price of Love

I have never been mistakenly referred to as a demonstrative person.

When I was young, my classmates used to call my reaction, OA. That was probably the reason why when in the company of people I am not totally comfortable with, I temper my reactions.

I do not smile a lot. I feel uncomfortable when smiling especially when I have no reason to smile. When I am with people I really do not know, I do not speak a lot. I do not know how to make small talk. I am not really a people person.

Once, my mother even called me unfeeling. She said that if I marry, the man I may marry will definitely have a difficult time since I have a heart of stone. She said that I have a tendency to rationalize things. I can be really unfeeling when the occasion asks for it.

My younger brother once said that he never really saw me cry. When I am angry, unhappy, sad or disappointed, I just play the music that suits my mood ( the reason why my playlist used to contain all sorts of songs from Breaking Benjamin to Hillsong music). When I feel really hateful or vengeful, I just write letters to them expressing how I feel.

People see me as "suplada" and snobbish because I do not do the usual friendly things. I am a bit standoffish with people. But that is not because I am naturally standoffish. I am just not comfortable. They probably feel uncomfortable around me. They probably never realize d how uncomfortable I feel around them too.

Deep inside though, people never really realize how much I care. I do not show it but I feel it. I cannot express it physically but I feel it. They see a grave nod but they do not see how the inner me is really jumping around in circles.

I have a weird way of showing my love.

I love my mother. But, as far as I can remember, I never really said the words to her. With the kind of love I feel, words are no longer necessary. But she may not know that. No matter how hard I tell myself to say those three words, I cannot seem to make myself do so.

I believe that action speaks louder than words. If I can never say those words, making her in-charge of my finances is enough. Giving her my salary is my way of telling Nanay that I do love her and that I am here for her.

It is my way of comforting her in difficult times. She probably does not know that.

In fact, other people never seem to understand why I do so. But how can I explain love to them? I do not want Nanay to worry over money ever again. I do not want her to suffer sleepless nights when I have the capacity to help her. They may see it as a drastic action, but it is my way of telling her that I am here for her. Anyway, all that money goes to the education of my siblings, to the daily needs of the family ( or what we have of it).

What do I need the money for? Money can still be earned any time. But I have only one mother. She will not live forever. So, while she is with us, I want to give her the things that she gave up for us. I want to give her what little I can give her. No matter how long I live and how long I give her my salary, it will never be enough when compared with the sacrifices she made for us.

Love is sacrifice. You do not love when you do not sacrifice. I gave up my financial independence, so what? That is the price I have to pay for Love.

And someday, I will be able to say, I am glad I paid that price. I have loved... And I have loved dearly.

Martin, the Charmer

If there was one Prince Charming in this batch of graduates, it would be the fair Martin.

Martin is one of the members of the Debating Club. He is a distant relative of our family (the father side) and a very nice and well-brought up young man.

At sixteen (are you sixteen, Mart?), Martin has shown signs of the responsible adult that he could turn out to be.

At first, I despaired of Martin’s performance in the club. Everytime I called out a meeting back then, Martin would always be begging me to let him off the hook since he had something quite important to do.

This would frustrate me and somehow, it sort of painted a negative image of what Martin is.

However, recent activities in the club showed me this other side of Martin.

Martin is not only the charmer I saw him at first. Well, yes, he is a charmer and yes, I was totally bowled over those early weeks of being in his presence.

Martin’s charm was quite lethal (hehe, what am I saying?). To be really honest, I had this little crush on Martin because he was so adorable and so absolutely charming… (hello, vocabulary brain portion, I need another word for charm here).

I found his smile really appealing and his strange and odd ways of speaking and doing things (hehe, shocking!). I used to think that of there is a Prince here, he would look like Martin.

The only problem with him is that he is sort of pa-cute. And when I told him that, he said that was not true. Well, maybe it was unintentional…or maybe I just find him really cute (note, define cute).

Another problem is, when he grows up, I have this feeling that he is the type who just might grow a sizeable pot belly, if he is not conscious of his health (yeah, yeah, I know I am fat and this is just a case of the pot calling the kettle black or the pther way around).

Anyway, Martin is a nice lad and while working with him at the D’club, I realized that Martin is not the type who would say a lot of things just to make you feel a little better.

No. He does not say much but he does a lot. He does not make empty promises. Instead, he performs.

He promised to do something and yes, he does live to deliver it.

I have come to trust this little fellow a lot.

I used to think that Martin is the one with a lesser sense of commitment to the club but I was wrong. He is a very busy kid because he is involved in a lot of organizations in the school but he always tries his best to do his part no matter how difficult they are.

Martin is also a serious guy and yes, I did witness an almost effeminate aspect of himself but that does not make him gay.

Martin is definitely a Prince Charming. He can be trusted, in more ways than one and he has sense. He also has a healthy confidence in himself. Not too much to make him arrogant and boastful and definitely very irritating, not too little to make him boring and tiresome and very defensive. He has a healthy enough dose, enough for him to develop a healthy perspective of the things around him.

There is more to Martin than meets the eyes. What I fancied to be a perfectly normal kid actually has an unplumbed inner core that signifies strength and dependability.

He is a good young man and I do hope and pray that God would guide him along his path and make sure that he grows up to be what he was intended to be.

Go, Martin!

Seasons of Empty Nest

There comes a time in a mother’s life when she knows she has to let go of her children because they have all grown up and they need to explore the world on their own.

It happens to all mothers, be they human or not.

It is the way of life. A mentor nurtures the young and once the young has matured, they now have to go and spread their wings.

How about the non-maternal beings of this planet? Do they experience the same poignant pangs of these kinds of seasons?

Probably not.

That is why I am glad I have chosen to become a teacher. At least, I could vicariously experience how it is to become a mother, through the student’s I teach, formally or informally.

The school year is about to close and I am about to loose about 300 hundred babies. The little babies with whom I spent most of my 200 or so days of teaching time.

I would miss my first year kids especially the nicely naughty ones and the really serious ones whose personalities I tried to dissect without much success.

I would also miss the senior members of the Debating Club.(Yes, I got over the debating slump because the kids are now quite cooperative and have become involved).

Vanessa, Lyzander, Rey, Shannen, Milrose, Martin, Margielyn, Rozelle, the elusive Xyza Ara Mae, Katrina, Jayrick, and James. I will miss these kids.

The other day, I made an idle remark about the eventuality of their graduation. I guess I was surprised at how fast the year has come to an end. Shannen and Martin are very eager to graduate.

Katrina is still feeling her way around her course. Jayrick is quite excited about his school. Milrose is also looking forward to her nursing stint and Rey, well, whatever Rey and James are up to, my prayers are with them.

The D’Club Babies are about to graduate! Hooray.

This batch of debaters are the Best Certified Debaters I have ever met, so far. (Hehe, gabawi lang guys). I think I am going to really miss them.

In fact, going to Iloilo feels a lot more empty now that I have memories of these people with me. I keep thinking about how Milrose loves to eat, how Rey loves to talk, how Jayrick loves to smile as if he knows something we don’t and how Shannen keeps quite and watches people. I will never forget your secret Sha.

And Vanessa, I wish I have more time with you. Kanimu man Kate. Indi na kamu sweet ni Rey haw? What happened, guys? I missed the laughers and the songs and the crazy banter the two of you usually share.

To Rey, do not forget your friends. Remember, true friends are very rare nowadays. You will never really realize how important something or someone is until you lost him/her/it.

Until now, my lack of appreciation for my highschool best friend who spoiled me with her tolerant affection and deep abiding loyalty still haunts me. I wish I was able to give back as much as she gave to me in the past but I have been so selfish and self-centered. I only realize how special she is when we had to part ways and she had to move another island.

Anyway, Rey, I am holding you to that promise of a boyfriend ha. Basi may mga instructors or teachers kamu to nga puwede kanakon, hehe. You know the kind of guy I like, big and bearlike. Dang nami i-hug. Make sure he had enough to say for himself (not about himself lang). And make it, ten years from now. That is, kun indi pako madre by that time ( I am seriously contemplating what Ma’am Flo said, you know). Kun Sister Heaven nako, then, tagua na lang sa, indi na ako pag i-tempt.

To Kate, teacher ka bala. It would be good for you. And you will be good for the students. Your sensitivity is one factor. English major ka busli ako di.
I want to leave the club to very capable hands, to a certified debater bala.

To Jayrick, maano ka ya man? You have always been a puzzle for me, you know.Follow your heart. It will take you wherever you are meant to go.And I know, whatever your heart says is usually right. Just listen to it and make sure that it knows God.

I always this odd fascination about the three of these.

Si Jayrcik, si Kate and Rey. The three are always together in my mind If I think of one, I always think of the other. Pero, this time, wala na sila gawa ga imaw.

The three usually comes from the same direction. Daw isa lang bala ya source nila nga tatlo aw. Pero this time… I don’t know.

Guys, keep in touch ha.

Katrina Mae: A Piece of Puzzle

She reminds me of myself many years ago. I do not really know why but I have always been drawn to Kate (in the same manner that I have been fascinated with April Dhary Jhoy, one of her classmates. I do not know her but if there is a picture of true beauty, for me, it is Dhary). Anyway, Kate is one of the members of the Debating Club. She is also the Club Secretary, a trustworthy and reliable one too. I had not really known Kate as well as I have come to know Jayrick and Rey. I had lesser contact with her compared to the two. I know that Jayrick feels Kate is a great writer (and that is truly something from someone who has won a National Press Con award). Note: Jayrick, be proud of that achievement, no matter what they say. That is truly something dun. I mean, fortune smiled at you for one straight year. And you deserved it. Nahisa lang da sanda,a. I do know though, that like Rey and Jayrick, Katrina has a burning potential deep inside her… most of it untapped. Probably because no one really realized the brilliance covered by the rough and self-effacing edges. Unlike most girls her age, Katrina does not care about appearances. She has an earthy beauty which remains unnoticed because she does not really do something about it. (Perversely, though, I like her more because of that). Katrina is not the type who would bring attention to herself. She is adorably nice, and gentle. A real lady in every sense of the word (I have a different definition of lady, by the way, and I think that definition fits Kate). Kate is also a dedicated and hardworking person. She knows the word commitment and would loyally stick to one she makes. Kate is a voracious reader. In fact, she is a very mature reader since the choices she makes are much better than my usual reading preferences. She has no genre fixations and has an open mind when it comes to reading. She speaks well and has an extensively functional vocabulary. One which she has to harness and effectively process. I heard her sing with Rey once and I think she sings well. Her conversational drift are really interesting. She talks well, has sound opinions about everything and is a good listener. When she speaks, she speaks with sense. And she is not too full of herself. I heard a hint of envy or say insecurity when Jayrick spoke about Kate’s writing prowess once (and Jayrick, I know I maybe wrong about this but I just want to be honest okay). I mean, I am sort of aware of such things because it was the same with me and some of my writing friends too. It gets better once you have come to accept that you and that friend have differing skills. I convinced Jayrick that he is a better writer than Kate. I told him Kate is good but he is better (because I read one of her works before). And I still believe in that. Jayrick has already learned the potential power of the words he uses. Kate is still learning the secrets of the trade. I may not know what developments would come to both of them in the near future but I know Kate has a lot to learn. I am just trying to be honest here and not putting down people. I wish I could teach Kate the things that I have learned in college. I mean, we are both alike because when I was in high school, I also wrote in the same way as Kate did. In fact, Kate writes much better than I did before. It was good (the writing, I mean), based on the usual standards of this school, but once you go out, you realize that your old school’s concept of good is different from that of the rest of the world. Kate, if you want to learn and improve both your writing and yourself, open your senses. Do not be afraid to run after the knowledge and the experience. I do not know what you will eventually choose as a career but I do know that writing and reading is already a part of you. It is in your blood, right? Your career may not allow you to practice your passion (mine makes it difficult). But, don’t hesitate to nurture it. Eventually, your lifepath will allow you to weave your passions thread in your life. And you will soon realize that the things you learn, the experiences you go through are actually a preparation for something in your tomorrow. Yes, everything is interconnected. Someone is out there who plans things for us. Is it God? Morgan le Fae? Merlin? Odin? Zeus? (Hehe, ga research be on fairies, ano pa). Basta, someone’s out there. I like you Katey. And your are beautiful, inside and out.

Rey Anthony: AN Enigma

This is about another student I have come to know this year. I guess I am going to start a compilation of student personalities. I especially find students like the two I have written about in here to be more fascinating than others. I have been eyeing this contestant ever since I first heard him speak in an impromptu competition almost a year ago. I am already familiar with the kid since he was my sisters classmate back in elementary. When I heard him speak back then, I was almost astounded. I told myself, Kanugon. This child has so much potential. And I thought, if I would be given the chance to handle the kid, I might be able to teach him a thing or two. This school year, our head teacher assigned me as co-adviser of our debating club here in school. One of the ten core and senior members of the club was Rey Anthony. Now, I thought when I found him sitting with the rest of the members during the Commitment Test Meeting that June 2008, I would be able to really measure this walking potential and see what all the fuss is about. Last school year, when Rey lost over my charge, Vanessa Jane., the special science class students of our school went a bit mad. They had not counted on Vanessa Jane winning since she is not an SSC student. Besides, fluency wise, Vanessa is not as good as Rey. However, during that contest, Vanessa was the clear winner. Vanessa might not have Rey’s extensive vocabulary and speaking prowess as well as the debonair stage flair that would have clearly pinpointed him as No 1 guy, but Vanessa’s logical and critical thinking skills were fully operational. Whatever the case, I know that persistence would never let her down. Vanessa’s sharp logic pierced the empty hot air bubble that was Rey’s attempt at impromptu speaking. Vanessa’s mental tenacity has proved her a worthy contender…which is not really surprising. When Rey started speaking (I can recall the moment until now because I was so really into Vanessa back then), I grew quite cold. I almost despaired. But, when I heard what he had come up with, I was actually a bit shocked. Such a great speaker…and what happened to him. He could have won, I knew it.He could have defeated Vanessa so easily. He had it in him. I found out why, eventually. Rey is the most laid-back type of guy I had ever met. He always seems to want to have fun, enjoy the world and reach out to whatever appeals to him. I know there is a depth in the guy that he seems to conceal with his brash smile and swaggering maneuvers. I also sense a certain vulnerability in him which makes me wonder why he has to hide such sensitivity and soul. And why he felt that sense of lack of security in himself at times. The fact that he surrounds himself with friends like Katrina and Jayrick proves that he is like them in a way. I mean, what would attract him to Jayrick except for a similarity of spirit? The way they almost seem to sense what is on the others mind. The way they seem to communicate in a silent manner. The way they end each others sentences… Their kind of friendship has often made me wonder. He and Katrina are so alike in many ways, too. I often wonder at how attuned they are with each other mentally, and to think that they came from two opposing end of the sexual spectrum. (I listened to them talk one entire L300 trip from Iloilo to Passi). It sometimes spooks me, hearing them talk about things I only learned when I was already in college. I guess, it must be the environment. They are Special Science Class Students. This school year though, Rey bagged the award for the impromptu speech contest in the School Level Cultural Contest. He had Vanessa as one of the contenders again. Although I know he could have done better than he did (Vanessa could have done better herself…she is usually a very keen thinker, I do not know what happened). I guess Rey was in his element during the contest. He was also more humble than he was in the City Level. During the City Level, Rey simply swaggered up stage (If you get a hold of this kid, peace. I am just telling the truth…with a little bit of exaggeration, hehe). He was a bit too full of himself, which, I guess, clouded my judgment. He gave his answers well, yes, since he speaks well anyway. Unfortunately, he did not live up to his potential. He could have done better, I know. And I wanted to tell him so though I know it was not my place to do so. I was not able to resist giving him a piece of my mind after the contest. I mean, if he wanted to win the Congressional, he should not relax. He should make an effort to exploit his God-given gift and make use of his powers of self-possession. He should over train, over read and over practice. In competitions like the one he had to go through, there is no such thing as over practicing. What happened? I was not there so I could not form a valid opinion as to his performance. I would not say he did not win (technically speaking, he did not) because according to the boy, he was the biggest winner in that contest (he told me he met someone who could be the epitome of his dream girl, well, those were not his words exactly but, pareho lang da ). Rey is one smooth and suave operator. In fact, he has surprised me several times with the cool way he approaches new faces. Compared to my reserved approach towards strangers, seeing someone like him so open and so friendly has made me wonder (I am getting fond of the word wonder here). I could not help but be amused with the subtle and sometimes not so subtle way he introduces himself to others. Such a darling. I refused to think that he would end up like most of the seafarers I know. I mean, I do feel he would be wasted in such a career choice, but the seafaring option he had outlined for himself suits him. Rey is not the type who would want to be tied to stationary immovable things. But neither would he prefer to hold on to air or cloud-like matters that would unceremoniously float to nowhere. He would prefer riding on something that would take him places but would keep him anchored to something massive, stable and secure. I am happy that I was given the chance to observe this kid work his way out into the world. I have learned a lot from you, student. And someday, I might be able to follow your advice. Yes, would it not be great if I could just follow my heart and damn them all?