Time Out

I am mentally spacing out so I need to back off from things for a while. I just want something to change. But I am now afraid of the words that come from me.

Worldly Heaven: Blindly Groping in the Dark

I think I have been derailed. 

When you think you understand and "see", that is when you are deluding yourself the most.

Blame me for thinking I was spiritually superior than others simply because of the strange sense of enlightenment that filled me. It was troubling then to suddenly find myself in the dark, blindly groping my way out of the muck that I stumbled upon.

Nothing helped. God seemed silent. I can no longer comprehend the meaning of the things I see and the words I read... I was just a regular lost kid in the block and no one is there to help me find my way.

But I was not faithful in His silence. I was not faithful during the test and I feel like I failed. 

I saw how sinful, and proud I am. I saw how evil my heart truly is and I cringe every time  I recall how I talk about godly things like I know everything.

I learned that I cannot trust myself. I discovered that in times of great temptation, I can easily succumb to the lures of evil. I learned how half-hearted my surrender is and I saw how truly, truly disappointing I am in God's sight (and I have a feeling that I am worst than this after all).

I have been unChristian. I have been filled with the spirit of the flesh and the pride of accomplishment thinking that the clarity and the sense that I have learned actually came from my own mind.I have been judgmental. I thought what I was doing was good...truly, out of the richness of the heart, the mouth speaks.

My heart was filled, richly, with judgment, with pride...and thus, I have spoken. I have apologized but I can never make the wrong thing right again.

And it is with deep shame and guilt that I come forward, praying for God's forgiveness, more shamed than ever in the knowledge that no matter what I do, I will be forgiven, always accepted and forgiven and loved - even in my darkest.

And I wonder now, how can I ever love Him in the way He loves me?

Lord, give me a loving heart so that I will lovingly obey all Your statutes for the rest of my life.