Sometimes, I often wonder why it's like that. I did not set out to make it like this. I used to have plans for myself. However, I am wondering if those plans matter?
What matters in life? What counts? I think I should have settles this questions a long time ago. But, it seems I have never even unearthed a single mystery of it.
If it's all about God, then, I am a sore looser. I have a love-hate relationship with a formal religion. I don't go to Church as often as a Christian should. My prayer time is sporadic at best. But, I do have a healthy conscience and it eats at me often.
If life is all about family - then, I don't know where I am headed. I have my siblings, my mother and father and my grandparents and some cousins but my anti-social attitude turns them off a lot. During family gatherings, I am often left alone, to my own devices, probably because I make them feel uncomfortable (who wouldn't, I often feel uncomfortable around myself).
If life is all about doing something significant for your neighbors (i.e. your work/profession) - well, I am at the bottom of the food chain. But at least, I love what I am doing. I love teaching. I just need to sort out my philosophy regarding my kind of teaching. I was able to find meaning and significance in my work. All other areas of my life are working out oddly.
So, what is life all about?
I know, theoretically, you would say life is about God, about family and about doing something significant for your neighbors. At this point, I think life is really ALL about God, and our relationship with him. And now, I am seeing how pointless my existence is because He is not in the center of my life.
My life is cluttered with sin, pain, vices, regrets, hurts and anger. Deep inside, a raging animal is screaming at me to GO and DO SOMETHING. But what am I supposed to do about it? What should I go out and do when I have to fight, tooth and nail, for my own survival?
Set your priorities straight. How easy for you to say when you dump most of your priorities upon me, right?
I know my priority. It's God above all else. I am just not doing anything about it. Because once I did, I will leave this disturbingly technical, materials and senseless world I am inhabiting right now. I can't serve two masters at the same time. I know right now I am not serving God with all I am. I have set him aside for something else. Something pointless, meaningless. So, who am I serving?
That's why I need to detoxify myself of this material, selfish, worldly things that clutter my life. But how do I go about it?
Detoxify now. But how?
