I have never been mistakenly referred to as a demonstrative person.
When I was young, my classmates used to call my reaction, OA. That was probably the reason why when in the company of people I am not totally comfortable with, I temper my reactions.
I do not smile a lot. I feel uncomfortable when smiling especially when I have no reason to smile. When I am with people I really do not know, I do not speak a lot. I do not know how to make small talk. I am not really a people person.
Once, my mother even called me unfeeling. She said that if I marry, the man I may marry will definitely have a difficult time since I have a heart of stone. She said that I have a tendency to rationalize things. I can be really unfeeling when the occasion asks for it.
My younger brother once said that he never really saw me cry. When I am angry, unhappy, sad or disappointed, I just play the music that suits my mood ( the reason why my playlist used to contain all sorts of songs from Breaking Benjamin to Hillsong music). When I feel really hateful or vengeful, I just write letters to them expressing how I feel.
People see me as "suplada" and snobbish because I do not do the usual friendly things. I am a bit standoffish with people. But that is not because I am naturally standoffish. I am just not comfortable. They probably feel uncomfortable around me. They probably never realize d how uncomfortable I feel around them too.
Deep inside though, people never really realize how much I care. I do not show it but I feel it. I cannot express it physically but I feel it. They see a grave nod but they do not see how the inner me is really jumping around in circles.
I have a weird way of showing my love.
I love my mother. But, as far as I can remember, I never really said the words to her. With the kind of love I feel, words are no longer necessary. But she may not know that. No matter how hard I tell myself to say those three words, I cannot seem to make myself do so.
I believe that action speaks louder than words. If I can never say those words, making her in-charge of my finances is enough. Giving her my salary is my way of telling Nanay that I do love her and that I am here for her.
It is my way of comforting her in difficult times. She probably does not know that.
In fact, other people never seem to understand why I do so. But how can I explain love to them? I do not want Nanay to worry over money ever again. I do not want her to suffer sleepless nights when I have the capacity to help her. They may see it as a drastic action, but it is my way of telling her that I am here for her. Anyway, all that money goes to the education of my siblings, to the daily needs of the family ( or what we have of it).
What do I need the money for? Money can still be earned any time. But I have only one mother. She will not live forever. So, while she is with us, I want to give her the things that she gave up for us. I want to give her what little I can give her. No matter how long I live and how long I give her my salary, it will never be enough when compared with the sacrifices she made for us.
Love is sacrifice. You do not love when you do not sacrifice. I gave up my financial independence, so what? That is the price I have to pay for Love.
And someday, I will be able to say, I am glad I paid that price. I have loved... And I have loved dearly.
