It Ends Tonight

It's over now.

My Own Romance

Music affects me in ways that are often unfathomable, even to myself.

Right now, I am listening to Gil Ofarim as he warms my cold, cold heart. And, after repeating the song for several times, I think: Why can't I have something like that?

Well, as a learner pointed out to me earlier with her "pa-slim ka bala ma'am lines", I am not a heroine material.

My long time love affair with books confirms what I know to be true...I have never read any romance novel with a fat (and in my case, obese) heroine. I have encountered Class A heroines: the beautiful bombshell type with all the right curves or litheness and willowyness, plus the perfect girl morals with just a tad arrogance and egotism thrown in for conflict. There is the more acceptable Class B heroines who are characterized with plain prettiness, just a little physical eccentricity like being a tad small or short (making them pocket venuses for the males who fall for them) but with the same amount of ferocity as the first. Then, there are my favorites, the Jayne Ann Krentz/Amanda Quick heroines who fall into the plain, ordinary, but curiously sunny and intelligent types who equally captivates big and bear-like men who seem to have something caught between their paws. Then, there are the Class C types who are plain (almost dumpy or dowdy), shy, and solitary...but, there is something always adorable in them that the males prefer to posses..

How about fat girls like me who have not chances of ever, ever slimming down?

Nada.

Oh, there were several movies or two about these non-heroines like Monique's Phat Girls...and that Sam Milby flick...Then, I once read a Jude Deveraux novel on one fat girl during the medieval ages. She fell for a warrior so she decided to slim down...and she did, making her a little unrecognizable..

When two of my learners were talking about their sons, conception and giving birth yesterday, I felt a little left out. ..and a bit freaked out too. The one with the seven month old son is only fifteen years old but she seemed more mature than world-weary and overly exposed "Me". The 20 year old learner with the six year old son regaled us with tales of how difficult her pregnancy was, how she jogged with her husband every morning and how she had an easy birth afterward.

There was silence on my part. Truly, you can't share what you do not have. I can spout a lot of factoids about Shakespeare and Emily Dickinson. I can share a lot of historical gossips. I can even talk about the process of conception, birth and even growth...but I can never really share experience about such.

Wow. I felt a little left out too...Yes, I am young but no woman is more suited to motherhood than I am(yeah, this freaks me out a bit too but I feel as if I was born for the family life actually). I know a lot abut rearing kids and I had first had experience through my little brothers. I also mothered five younger siblings when things went a little haywrire in our lives two year ago. It was supposed to be my destiny...(what, become a mother? Good grief!, is this me talking?).

Anyway, I realized the impossibility of such a conflict when I turned fifteen and found out I could not give up my eating habits. Aside from being born a potential mother and wife material (goodness!), I was also born a sloth and a glutton. I don't want to give up my lifestyle ( I was tempted once, in grade four when I developed a tendre for a guy who is not worth it).

So, I went to bed and cried myself to sleep, that night (I was fifteen), thinking about a bleak future with only myself, some stray cats and dogs, and a drafty old cottage...wine too, red... Heaven the spinster, heaven the old-maid..poor auntie Heaven who is all alone in her witch's cottage...

I also fell in love with the image of bad witchy witchy old spinster heaven who will curse kids and children who would dare walk on her part of the village (that consoled me too, that night).

So I turned into the fat, career oriented academic and solitary scholar who wanted nothing to do with boys, babies, husbands and family - and that happened overnight too. And it so affected how I viewed the world - I became the starchy old spinster even before her time.

I just grew alarmed at the almost vocal way I scoffed at motherhood and house wifey things when a classmate called me a feminist (I really never considered myself one but yes, I am for women's independence too if that's what a woman prefers). That was many years back when I was still in college and thoughts reflected like the ones I had often reflected on school outputs and works.

Now, with talks of marriage, family and how some gets so cynical about it, like I used to, I realized I actually wanted a family of my own or at least, a baby to love and adore...But, there seems to be no chance of that budding because I tend to gravitate around guys who are not in my circle or are not within my reach.

I have set an imaginary standard and not one could seem to pass it...except for more impossible obsessions on my part.

Add the fact that I am not a very attractive package to the opposite sex... Well, I guess I was destined to spinster hood ...but no regrets. I promised myself that one. No regrets. I will live my life, really live it...and enjoy it, with or without love, romance and magic in it...

Life and Love Online

A lot of things can happen online.

Funny that. I probably was never good at socializing but I never realized that man, I actually excel at facebooking.

Yeah, I know that term is not exactly correct since facebooking is not a word but how else would you call that all-consuming activity that can lead to excessive headaches, that metacarpal thingy ( I forgot the correct term), and yeah, over-all physical and mental degeneration/retardation (kidding).

Some of my highschool classmates said that they were surprised to find that I, the proverbial hermit of the class, actually has an active social life - online, that is. Well, computers probably suit a geek like me.

Like most closet socialites, I feel a lot more freedom in front of my trusty laptop computer . Probably because encoding your thoughts requires the same process as writing them - which is my most natural form of self-expression anyway. I feel gauche and awkward when I have to "say" things out loud. I am more eloquent when I write them down.

Two months ago, I virtually spent all my spare time in internet cafe's downloading from scribd, checking updates and posting my innermost thoughts on facebook. Two years ago, I regularly blogged my ideas - I now keep and maintain three blogs, one for my personal life, one for my work, and one for my spiritual expressions.

I also have an online bestfriend whom I chat with when things get worst or when things get better.

Now that I have my own laptop, it only got worst. I started looking and applying for online freelance writing jobs and I have even subscribed to several online publishing website, hoping to work as critic partner to some struggling novice novelist...

Weird me... I start the day with a music video of HillSong United songs and end it with Jim Brickman's music. I express angst and frustration thru FB, getting mad and crazy and posting almost every thought that comes to me.

I had virtual encounters with relatives from all over the Philippines from both sides of my swirling gene pool. I even explored the not-so-positive aspects of my nature.

Then, the most elating of them all is finding your dream guy online (and of course, there's a catch, there always is)...

On FB, I was always stalker mode, checking his status, updates and photos all the time. I know those postings were not enough to fully tell you something about the other person but the virtual me does not seem to care.

I haven't told anyone about this fascination and it feels almost illicit. If he knows, he will probably block me (you know that weird blue thingy under your profile which says Report/Block this Person which I almost clicked once just out of curiosity).

He does not know me but I know him and like a crazy PI, I track every step he makes - online. It feels creepy to me too and I did not expect that I had those tendencies too. I mean, me? Well, you would never caught me ogling a guy in real life but I am quite good at snooping beneath the layers when no one's watching. And really, nobody bothers too watch me.

I often spend about ten minutes of every online moment just going through his posts and updates. There's nothing sexual about it at all, trust me. It's just pure sneaky appreciation which I don't get to do in real life.

Am I in love? No. Obsessed. Maybe.

I really don't care though. I am just being true to myself. Since he is not exactly within my circle or reach, I am pretty safe...

Lost Connections

Despite all assurances to the opposite, I feel so lost.

My job is consuming all my thoughts now, and not because I am busy...but more because of guilt. I do not feel like I am performing as I should and that is eating me out...creating more guilt and making me feel more inept and useless.

The real problem is my incapacity to connect with people outside my close knit circle. I only have a very small number of learners because of that ineptitude.

I know I should not start the year with such recriminations but I can't help posting something like this.

I feel bad and I need help... I am not happy with this job and it is a very good job.

As I am writing this, a realization dawned upon me. I keep seeing this as a job and not as a mission. I do not want to sound pretentious but I never saw this as anything other than a job I have to finish - and because I am essentially not that type of person (because I always go further than the set distance), I never seem to finish it.

Because I expect more from myself.

Now, I am erasing all those expectations. I am removing myself from the schedules and deadlines I have set and instead, I would focus more on the heart of the matter: the learners. I will not count the number but I will count them as persons who need my help and by doing my job I am reaching out for them.

Another problem comes into mind though... Most of my target learners are not interested...so, I tell myself...some are.

I will take on this job. I will love it. I will dedicate my whole year to it. And I will offer the fruits of my work to God, my boss.

Life is short. We seldom get opportunities like the one I am wasting right now. The day is just beginning but I have to prepare for tomorrow's adventure - not work, but adventure...and mission.

This is where life has led me so far. And this is where God has planted me to grow...the elements are but there to help me grow.