My Own Romance

Music affects me in ways that are often unfathomable, even to myself.

Right now, I am listening to Gil Ofarim as he warms my cold, cold heart. And, after repeating the song for several times, I think: Why can't I have something like that?

Well, as a learner pointed out to me earlier with her "pa-slim ka bala ma'am lines", I am not a heroine material.

My long time love affair with books confirms what I know to be true...I have never read any romance novel with a fat (and in my case, obese) heroine. I have encountered Class A heroines: the beautiful bombshell type with all the right curves or litheness and willowyness, plus the perfect girl morals with just a tad arrogance and egotism thrown in for conflict. There is the more acceptable Class B heroines who are characterized with plain prettiness, just a little physical eccentricity like being a tad small or short (making them pocket venuses for the males who fall for them) but with the same amount of ferocity as the first. Then, there are my favorites, the Jayne Ann Krentz/Amanda Quick heroines who fall into the plain, ordinary, but curiously sunny and intelligent types who equally captivates big and bear-like men who seem to have something caught between their paws. Then, there are the Class C types who are plain (almost dumpy or dowdy), shy, and solitary...but, there is something always adorable in them that the males prefer to posses..

How about fat girls like me who have not chances of ever, ever slimming down?

Nada.

Oh, there were several movies or two about these non-heroines like Monique's Phat Girls...and that Sam Milby flick...Then, I once read a Jude Deveraux novel on one fat girl during the medieval ages. She fell for a warrior so she decided to slim down...and she did, making her a little unrecognizable..

When two of my learners were talking about their sons, conception and giving birth yesterday, I felt a little left out. ..and a bit freaked out too. The one with the seven month old son is only fifteen years old but she seemed more mature than world-weary and overly exposed "Me". The 20 year old learner with the six year old son regaled us with tales of how difficult her pregnancy was, how she jogged with her husband every morning and how she had an easy birth afterward.

There was silence on my part. Truly, you can't share what you do not have. I can spout a lot of factoids about Shakespeare and Emily Dickinson. I can share a lot of historical gossips. I can even talk about the process of conception, birth and even growth...but I can never really share experience about such.

Wow. I felt a little left out too...Yes, I am young but no woman is more suited to motherhood than I am(yeah, this freaks me out a bit too but I feel as if I was born for the family life actually). I know a lot abut rearing kids and I had first had experience through my little brothers. I also mothered five younger siblings when things went a little haywrire in our lives two year ago. It was supposed to be my destiny...(what, become a mother? Good grief!, is this me talking?).

Anyway, I realized the impossibility of such a conflict when I turned fifteen and found out I could not give up my eating habits. Aside from being born a potential mother and wife material (goodness!), I was also born a sloth and a glutton. I don't want to give up my lifestyle ( I was tempted once, in grade four when I developed a tendre for a guy who is not worth it).

So, I went to bed and cried myself to sleep, that night (I was fifteen), thinking about a bleak future with only myself, some stray cats and dogs, and a drafty old cottage...wine too, red... Heaven the spinster, heaven the old-maid..poor auntie Heaven who is all alone in her witch's cottage...

I also fell in love with the image of bad witchy witchy old spinster heaven who will curse kids and children who would dare walk on her part of the village (that consoled me too, that night).

So I turned into the fat, career oriented academic and solitary scholar who wanted nothing to do with boys, babies, husbands and family - and that happened overnight too. And it so affected how I viewed the world - I became the starchy old spinster even before her time.

I just grew alarmed at the almost vocal way I scoffed at motherhood and house wifey things when a classmate called me a feminist (I really never considered myself one but yes, I am for women's independence too if that's what a woman prefers). That was many years back when I was still in college and thoughts reflected like the ones I had often reflected on school outputs and works.

Now, with talks of marriage, family and how some gets so cynical about it, like I used to, I realized I actually wanted a family of my own or at least, a baby to love and adore...But, there seems to be no chance of that budding because I tend to gravitate around guys who are not in my circle or are not within my reach.

I have set an imaginary standard and not one could seem to pass it...except for more impossible obsessions on my part.

Add the fact that I am not a very attractive package to the opposite sex... Well, I guess I was destined to spinster hood ...but no regrets. I promised myself that one. No regrets. I will live my life, really live it...and enjoy it, with or without love, romance and magic in it...

Life and Love Online

A lot of things can happen online.

Funny that. I probably was never good at socializing but I never realized that man, I actually excel at facebooking.

Yeah, I know that term is not exactly correct since facebooking is not a word but how else would you call that all-consuming activity that can lead to excessive headaches, that metacarpal thingy ( I forgot the correct term), and yeah, over-all physical and mental degeneration/retardation (kidding).

Some of my highschool classmates said that they were surprised to find that I, the proverbial hermit of the class, actually has an active social life - online, that is. Well, computers probably suit a geek like me.

Like most closet socialites, I feel a lot more freedom in front of my trusty laptop computer . Probably because encoding your thoughts requires the same process as writing them - which is my most natural form of self-expression anyway. I feel gauche and awkward when I have to "say" things out loud. I am more eloquent when I write them down.

Two months ago, I virtually spent all my spare time in internet cafe's downloading from scribd, checking updates and posting my innermost thoughts on facebook. Two years ago, I regularly blogged my ideas - I now keep and maintain three blogs, one for my personal life, one for my work, and one for my spiritual expressions.

I also have an online bestfriend whom I chat with when things get worst or when things get better.

Now that I have my own laptop, it only got worst. I started looking and applying for online freelance writing jobs and I have even subscribed to several online publishing website, hoping to work as critic partner to some struggling novice novelist...

Weird me... I start the day with a music video of HillSong United songs and end it with Jim Brickman's music. I express angst and frustration thru FB, getting mad and crazy and posting almost every thought that comes to me.

I had virtual encounters with relatives from all over the Philippines from both sides of my swirling gene pool. I even explored the not-so-positive aspects of my nature.

Then, the most elating of them all is finding your dream guy online (and of course, there's a catch, there always is)...

On FB, I was always stalker mode, checking his status, updates and photos all the time. I know those postings were not enough to fully tell you something about the other person but the virtual me does not seem to care.

I haven't told anyone about this fascination and it feels almost illicit. If he knows, he will probably block me (you know that weird blue thingy under your profile which says Report/Block this Person which I almost clicked once just out of curiosity).

He does not know me but I know him and like a crazy PI, I track every step he makes - online. It feels creepy to me too and I did not expect that I had those tendencies too. I mean, me? Well, you would never caught me ogling a guy in real life but I am quite good at snooping beneath the layers when no one's watching. And really, nobody bothers too watch me.

I often spend about ten minutes of every online moment just going through his posts and updates. There's nothing sexual about it at all, trust me. It's just pure sneaky appreciation which I don't get to do in real life.

Am I in love? No. Obsessed. Maybe.

I really don't care though. I am just being true to myself. Since he is not exactly within my circle or reach, I am pretty safe...

Heaven Almighty

(A throwback to watching Bruce Almighty and Evan Almighty last weekend.)

The bedrock of my life is eroding beneath me. Bruce Nolan (Jim Carry)cried this Nolan when he did not get the anchor job he so wanted.

I cried out this line when I found out that my long time crush, obsession and fascination was actually getting married.

Yeah, talk about adolescent angst carried over to twisted adulthood.

Anyway, I have been in crush with the guy since I was eleven years old. That was back to the time when I did not believe in fairy tales and Santa Claus. Because of him, I started believing in happily ever afters, in the great vast unknown and in destiny.

It was this guy who made me very interested to know things around me. He made me want to learn about the world, his world and my world. He inspired me to read about things that I do not know about. He made me long for fairytales, for distant places, for the future.

I have files of articles, pictures and what not's about him. I kept them all and even brought them whenever I travel. I write letters to the guy which I kept in my file.

Whenever I fall out of crush, I always "tell" him and feel comforted afterwards. He kept me sane for the most insane part of my development. He kept me grounded but allowed me to soar and use my imagination and my love of reading. Because of him, I got hooked to regency romances, then historical romances and then off to anything English.

Partly because of him, I took up English as my major because I wanted to be an English teacher.

I stopped consulting and getting comfort from him after I graduated from college. That was also just about the time that I stopped believing in marriage.

Then, last Tuesday, I opened my box, found his file and I started going over it. Once more, he gave me comfort and delight and belief in the future. But with that came the realization that I love the guy already. Why? Because he was a fairly decent fellow who taught me all about life, who kept his sanity despite the break up of his parents marriage and his mother's death. Despite the abnormality of his life, the temptations, the difficulties - the guy was able to grow up decently.

The next day, on that Wednesday, I just had to hear the announcement over Bombo radyo. I was on my way to catch the Salngan jeep and I just had to hear that. Prince William is marrying his long time sweet heart.

Yes, I was talking about Prince William, my long time crush. It was William who inspired me to study really hard. I remember spending one afternoon lying on our school library floor just reading an encyclopedia on United Kingdom.I studied English literature, studied UK in detail, read regency and historical romance novels set in England, Wales and Scotland, fell in love with Shakespeare and Blake because of my obsession with English lit.Unearthed Austen and Wilde too. Darn. He has lead me to a lot of interests. He also made me a voracious internet user in high school (at a time when the per hour rent was P30.00).

I was so jealous of one of my classmates who also had a crush on him. Now, that classmate is a happy Mom and I am still obsessing with William.

So, bedrock - of - my - life - is - eroding - beneath - me - line should suitably describe how i feel.

Anyway, I hope the marriage will be a happy, successful and fruitful one. But do they have to use Princess Diana's engagement ring?

Surprise: I'm Married

Yes, I know it is a shocker.

Nobody expected that this would happen but I got married, officially ha, last January 4, 2010.

I will tell you the details on my next post...