I was talking to myself in front of my grandparent’s very old mirror one night. That was a year ago.
My Uncle was staring up the ceiling probably counting cobwebs and wondering why I was staring at myself. (My Uncle is a 40 year old less than normal person who has not left home for ages and Lola is the one who takes care of him).
My sisters were outside watching TV while my brothers were playing with the neighbors. Nanay was off somewhere (can’t remember where) and Lola was doing the usual chores outside as well.
In my Lola’s room, I stood before the long mirror reflecting a visage I had not really looked at for many years.
When I was a young harridan, I never bothered combing my hair in front of the mirror. I would just snag a hairbrush, dash out of the house and comb my hair while riding a tricycle to school.
I started powdering my face only after I saw my younger sister do that and I started using colognes when my sisters bought their own colognes and I could borrow from them.
I never really looked at myself in the mirror since I conceived an odd plot about mirrors being dimensional doors to other worlds.
When I was a kid, I often stare at the mirror for a very long time, not to look at how pretty I am (I am pretty, in a way. I had a classmate who was once obsessed with that childish face, that is why I had to rub her off my person). I usually looked at the mirror to stare at my eyes and then, I would start getting dizzy and ….
When I first read encounters of the Fourth (was it fifth?) kind, I suspected myself of being abducted by aliens since I suffered from memory gaps and blanks. There were periods in my childhood that I do not have any recollection of.
I do not know why, really but there were points in those younger days when I could not string a coherent memory of what happened to me. There were some very vivid recollections of conversations I had with older people but I cannot really recall some points and aspects of my student days especially those points when I was in Grade I and Grade II.
There were gaps also to my memory record of events which happened to me in the later part of my third grade in elementary and the later part also of my fourth grade.
The gaps stopped when I reached second year highschool. That was when I stopped staring at my eyes in the mirror too.
I started using compacts last month and found out that looking through your eyes with the use of a compact does not have the same hair raising effect as looking at a mirror, especially old ones.
My Lolas mirror, unfortunately, is an old one which she bought using her first savings as a hilot. My Lola believes that her abilities came from creatures she calls her and our families ubay - whatever that i.
The mirror was as tall as I am and hile staring at it, I saw another person staring back at me.
The girl in Lolas mirror was very fat and very rumpled. She was weaing a tattered housedress (the reason why she often refuses to leave the room). She could have been pretty if she were not that fat and unkempt.
Whoa, I thought. Who is that? Was that one of Lola's spirit guides? I turned around to look at where she is supposed to be standing...
But there was no one. Hehe. Ako gali to.
It was me. Drat. I did not know I am that ugly. I allowed time and the world to control me, as a person and as a being. The real me inside is no longer visible outside.
I am this fat, overindulged creature who refused the world's advice to slim down because she was too busy burying her nose in tomes.
When I had the chance to lift my nose out of books, it was to see that the pretty little girl child I once was, is no longer around.
I have grown up into this shy and self-demeaning creature who saw herself as inferior to verybody else.
Then, I stared hard at the mirror. where was that little girl everybody adored? Was she a figment of my imagination? Was she taken away by the fairy creatures and replaced by this horrible looking witch.
I stared hard... and found her. Deep inside the eyes of the ugly witch.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
A Most Recent Entry from My Diary
An Entry from my Diary
I am listening to an odd rendition in violin of the timeless Love story. It feels odd. Hair-raising and really ugnhhh…. Leaves you feeling that way, disturbing, sad, nostalgic and basta, I cannot explain.
Anyway, I am deep into getting to know Christ of late. I heard a lecture on super wants. The pastor of the Day by Day program in DYBS has specifically mentioned that our Super wants control us, our actions , and our thoughts… they are our very motivation.
He also said that human wants are classified into three:
1. Pleasure or Lust of the flesh
2. Greed or Lust of the Eyes
3. Pride or Pride of Self
Among the three, I guess my super wants revolved around Pride. I did things to please other people so that they will come to like me and see me in a favorable way.
Another category of which I am a patron is Pleasure. I bought things to make me feel happy and at ease. I refused responsibilities which I could have done well because I wanted to take things easy. I am also resentful of my job because it gives me a hard time and makes me suffer a lot.
What you live for should be worth dying for because if it is not worth dying for, then it is not worth living for.
What does this mean?
If you cannot die for what it is that you have been doing continually, then, it is not very important. You are only motivated by an earthly or worldly super want which is totally not what living is all about.
Why? Because it takes your focus away from godly things, creates a distance between you and the Lord and thus, makes you feel unhappy and always hungry for more.
An example of this scenario is a store keeper who closes and opens his store everyday of his life for the sake of earning a living. If, one day, the store owner was told that he will be killed if he opens up his store, would he still do it? If the answer is no, then, his super want is of a worldly nature.
Contrast this with a heavenly or godly super want.
The following are examples mentioned
To honor, please and glorify God.
If what you do is motivated singly by these thoughts, then it shows that you have a heavenly super want. Whatever your job is, if your sole goal is to please God, that you will do everything for the greater glory of his name, then, you are being motivated by a heavenly super want.
To be like Christ
This is another example. If you do something to be like Christ, then your motivation is very strong. Aside from that, you also know you will do no wrong.
To desire salvation especially for others
When you want others to be saved just as you are saved, then, you will do you best to bring the word of God to them even if you have to walk miles, hike mountains, cross streams and swim rivers. You will do all that for Him who did everything for you.
An example of a man who was motivated by heavenly super want is the man who died on the cross and suffered all degrees of embarrassment, hardships and pain. Who went through a series of betrayals from friends and followers alike, who was ridiculed in front of a crowd who almost worshipped Him once and dies for the sins He never committed… He did it to please His father who asked it of Him. To suffer the worst fate man ever has to suffer to atone for the sins that men has committed, is committing and will commit.
He died for his super wants which are to please, glorify and honor God and to save others.
I decided to employ the second one because I wanted to be like Him. To do that, the Pastor said that the first step is to get to know Him, to be acquainted with Him. Because, as with lovers, it is only when you truly know a person that you learn to like and later on love Him. Then, you would start wanting to be like Him.
I am listening to an odd rendition in violin of the timeless Love story. It feels odd. Hair-raising and really ugnhhh…. Leaves you feeling that way, disturbing, sad, nostalgic and basta, I cannot explain.
Anyway, I am deep into getting to know Christ of late. I heard a lecture on super wants. The pastor of the Day by Day program in DYBS has specifically mentioned that our Super wants control us, our actions , and our thoughts… they are our very motivation.
He also said that human wants are classified into three:
1. Pleasure or Lust of the flesh
2. Greed or Lust of the Eyes
3. Pride or Pride of Self
Among the three, I guess my super wants revolved around Pride. I did things to please other people so that they will come to like me and see me in a favorable way.
Another category of which I am a patron is Pleasure. I bought things to make me feel happy and at ease. I refused responsibilities which I could have done well because I wanted to take things easy. I am also resentful of my job because it gives me a hard time and makes me suffer a lot.
What you live for should be worth dying for because if it is not worth dying for, then it is not worth living for.
What does this mean?
If you cannot die for what it is that you have been doing continually, then, it is not very important. You are only motivated by an earthly or worldly super want which is totally not what living is all about.
Why? Because it takes your focus away from godly things, creates a distance between you and the Lord and thus, makes you feel unhappy and always hungry for more.
An example of this scenario is a store keeper who closes and opens his store everyday of his life for the sake of earning a living. If, one day, the store owner was told that he will be killed if he opens up his store, would he still do it? If the answer is no, then, his super want is of a worldly nature.
Contrast this with a heavenly or godly super want.
The following are examples mentioned
To honor, please and glorify God.
If what you do is motivated singly by these thoughts, then it shows that you have a heavenly super want. Whatever your job is, if your sole goal is to please God, that you will do everything for the greater glory of his name, then, you are being motivated by a heavenly super want.
To be like Christ
This is another example. If you do something to be like Christ, then your motivation is very strong. Aside from that, you also know you will do no wrong.
To desire salvation especially for others
When you want others to be saved just as you are saved, then, you will do you best to bring the word of God to them even if you have to walk miles, hike mountains, cross streams and swim rivers. You will do all that for Him who did everything for you.
An example of a man who was motivated by heavenly super want is the man who died on the cross and suffered all degrees of embarrassment, hardships and pain. Who went through a series of betrayals from friends and followers alike, who was ridiculed in front of a crowd who almost worshipped Him once and dies for the sins He never committed… He did it to please His father who asked it of Him. To suffer the worst fate man ever has to suffer to atone for the sins that men has committed, is committing and will commit.
He died for his super wants which are to please, glorify and honor God and to save others.
I decided to employ the second one because I wanted to be like Him. To do that, the Pastor said that the first step is to get to know Him, to be acquainted with Him. Because, as with lovers, it is only when you truly know a person that you learn to like and later on love Him. Then, you would start wanting to be like Him.
Where my HEART is (NT)
I am currently working on a Debating Club handout on Fallacies that I might give to the members.
However, something has been mentally bugging me lately interfering with my already very limited concentration on the job at hand.
You see, this is about the school Debating Club.
D’Club, as I fondly call this org, is a duly recognized but un funded school club. When I entered this school just last school year, the Club was already swinging high with two English teachers as its advisers.
This year, our head teacher assigned me as Co-adviser of the club along with one of the former two advisers.
The club has 24 members who are students of the school. Most of them are from the Special Science Class (since they are the ones brave enough to join in the screening). Most of the senior members are from the star section and all of them are busy with school matters.
When I started out as co-adviser, I was so excited. I wanted to do all things at once. I wanted a debate seminar, a series of tournaments followed by a final tournament.
Now, I have grown really disappointed over these matters.
Why?
I find it hard asking the students to come for meetings and conferences. Their usual reaction is meeting duman.
They never knew how much it hurt not to see the majority of them attend meetings I painfully set up and organize.
I know they are busy but I am also very busy. I have ALS classes every Saturday, I have to go to Agdahon everyday for my morning sessions. I also have to prepare lesson plans, class records… and not just my own… I also have to do that of Nanay since she is too busy to do them herself.
Aside from that, just like all normal human beings, I also have conflicts with money (I am not yet financially stable and as the days and months passed, asking Nanay for money gets more difficult and embarrassing)., with myself and with people around me.
One time, I had to spend my last money on the fare back to school just to attend a meeting wherein nobody, not even a soul, showed up. I walked home feeling sick, more troubled and depressed than ever and sad. Sad because they (the club members) do not value the club in the same way that I did.
By the last week of November last year, I have grown resentful and I started thinking that I do not want to have anything to do with the club anymore. I did not care about it.
I tried to revive my enthusiasm by the second week of December. But the January meeting has left me depressed again.
I forced myself to do my part and I keep forcing myself still. There were three or four members who are quite dedicated to what we are doing but most are not as passionate about it.
They are very busy with school work. I try to help them as best as I can but the problem with the budget keeps interfering after all.
I no longer know what to do with myself and with the club. I am just too serious about it but these teeners do not need this kind of pressure. I already feel bad for forcing them to stay later than usual and from keeping them from the things that they would rather do.
Maybe next year, I will just give up the club and focus on my master’s degree and my classes. At least, I would have a valid reason for pressuring to students into their full and total potential.
Guys, I am sorry for making you do things you do not want to do and for forcing Debate into your additional duties list.
(Sad).
However, something has been mentally bugging me lately interfering with my already very limited concentration on the job at hand.
You see, this is about the school Debating Club.
D’Club, as I fondly call this org, is a duly recognized but un funded school club. When I entered this school just last school year, the Club was already swinging high with two English teachers as its advisers.
This year, our head teacher assigned me as Co-adviser of the club along with one of the former two advisers.
The club has 24 members who are students of the school. Most of them are from the Special Science Class (since they are the ones brave enough to join in the screening). Most of the senior members are from the star section and all of them are busy with school matters.
When I started out as co-adviser, I was so excited. I wanted to do all things at once. I wanted a debate seminar, a series of tournaments followed by a final tournament.
Now, I have grown really disappointed over these matters.
Why?
I find it hard asking the students to come for meetings and conferences. Their usual reaction is meeting duman.
They never knew how much it hurt not to see the majority of them attend meetings I painfully set up and organize.
I know they are busy but I am also very busy. I have ALS classes every Saturday, I have to go to Agdahon everyday for my morning sessions. I also have to prepare lesson plans, class records… and not just my own… I also have to do that of Nanay since she is too busy to do them herself.
Aside from that, just like all normal human beings, I also have conflicts with money (I am not yet financially stable and as the days and months passed, asking Nanay for money gets more difficult and embarrassing)., with myself and with people around me.
One time, I had to spend my last money on the fare back to school just to attend a meeting wherein nobody, not even a soul, showed up. I walked home feeling sick, more troubled and depressed than ever and sad. Sad because they (the club members) do not value the club in the same way that I did.
By the last week of November last year, I have grown resentful and I started thinking that I do not want to have anything to do with the club anymore. I did not care about it.
I tried to revive my enthusiasm by the second week of December. But the January meeting has left me depressed again.
I forced myself to do my part and I keep forcing myself still. There were three or four members who are quite dedicated to what we are doing but most are not as passionate about it.
They are very busy with school work. I try to help them as best as I can but the problem with the budget keeps interfering after all.
I no longer know what to do with myself and with the club. I am just too serious about it but these teeners do not need this kind of pressure. I already feel bad for forcing them to stay later than usual and from keeping them from the things that they would rather do.
Maybe next year, I will just give up the club and focus on my master’s degree and my classes. At least, I would have a valid reason for pressuring to students into their full and total potential.
Guys, I am sorry for making you do things you do not want to do and for forcing Debate into your additional duties list.
(Sad).
Donning Rose Colored Glasses
I woke up one morning, jumped off my bed and immediately went to watch the sunrise only to be greeted by a gray environment enveloped by smog (smoke and fog).
Adelle was right when she said that the times right now demand that we be conscious of our spending route.
A typical Grade 10 salary of most employees is not enough to supply a family’s needs. Most teachers I know revert to “selling” their salaries in advance to the school cashier or to other loan sharks who take advantage of their financial weakness. Most incur debts from the neighborhood Bombay or to the school allied bank.
Anyway, I was forced to borrow 6,000 from a co-teacher just last February 4, 2009. As a Local School Board teacher, my salary for the month of January has been delayed and Nanay asked me if I could borrow from a co-teacher with the promise to pay her off when I received my salary this January.
Adelle, if you find it difficult, I find it even more difficult. You know what is almost impossible about a single older sister’s duties? She does not have her own family but she takes the responsibilities of a mother.
I have to give up dreams of an isolated life of pure peace, leisure, pleasure, isolation and books. My sister needs a gown for her JS Prom, my youngest brother needs a certain staggering sum for his expensive primary school tuition. My SSC brothers need to pay their Miscellaneous and PTA Fees. I could not even indulge a monthly trip to the cheapest fast food center in this place.
Sigh. And come to think of it, I do not even have my own family yet.
A co-teacher once made a comment about my tendency to treat questions about my love life or the lack of one as a joke. She said that one day; she would make sure that I would not find it as funny as I do know.
I thought hello? Parihuson mo ako kanimo? Maybe you are just jealous of my carefree and single state, ay. I have no plans to shackle myself on a lifetime of exile from the world I so want to live in.
Aside from that, how can you take having a boyfriend seriously?
I cannot properly support my siblings in everything they need. What would happen if I went off and get hitched myself? Where does that leave my sisters and brothers? Where does that leave me?
When you live in a particular place like this one, you would end up marrying the most persistent tricycle driver or the nearest tambay neighbor.
And that is not pure conjecture on my part. Most of the teachers here are married to jobless idiots (even my own mother… but my father is the most adorable man in the world aside from my Lolo. However, Tatay is now working at the new National airport as a NATO police, whatever that means).
Aside from seafarers (I heard from someone that seafarers have an unwritten rule of marrying teachers), most of the teachers I know here are married to jobless men, tricycle drivers, manugbaligya- sa – tiyange, and househusbands who take care of the home and the kids. Two or four of them are married to policemen; several are married to city hall employees… There are a couple or two who are married to co-teachers they met on the job…
But most cases are rather despairing…
I know a teacher who married her former student who is now a tricycle driver.
I am also aware of how these drivers view these new teachers (like myself, thankfully, I am not physically appealing at all). How they often get a kick every time a beautiful new teacher rides their tricycle.
There was this teacher who also married another bum like tricycle driver who left her with three kids and went off gallivanting with a whore in Manila.
A teacher I know summarized the point very well. She told us that men nowadays, especially those who have not graduated nor have decent employment (and by decent, I mean one that can feed, clothe, and pay for extra needs of a growing family) tend to look for teachers especially those who are plain-looking ones. Why? Teachers have steady jobs and salaries. It may not mean much but in the long run, it can provide for a family and a man with no scruples, roots or principles.
I maybe biased, but I always freeze out tricycle drivers who tend to address me in a less than professional and impersonal manner. I mean, out of decency and respect, can you just please leave me alone? I do not need your comment nor do I need your talk. I have enough as it is, thank you.
I know what appeals to these types. The salary that comes your way every 15th or 30th of the month. Really.
If women knew how to pimp themselves for a lifetime of comfort and ease, men have also started to learn that skill.
Anyway, I refused to see myself as one of these teachers. I do not want to end up married to a tricycle driver, who will give me a dozen kids, ask money from me and beats me up to get my own salary, then goes off to whore around town or get drunk with his cohorts.
Damn. What a life.
So, to I will stop looking at these smoggy gray areas of existence, I’ll put on my rose colored glasses, bury myself in a book and keep the look and you’ll freeze expression on my face once I get out of the classroom.
I’d rather wait for my dream man and stay single for the rest of my life rather than curse my future children and grand children to a life of drudgery and pain.
Adelle was right when she said that the times right now demand that we be conscious of our spending route.
A typical Grade 10 salary of most employees is not enough to supply a family’s needs. Most teachers I know revert to “selling” their salaries in advance to the school cashier or to other loan sharks who take advantage of their financial weakness. Most incur debts from the neighborhood Bombay or to the school allied bank.
Anyway, I was forced to borrow 6,000 from a co-teacher just last February 4, 2009. As a Local School Board teacher, my salary for the month of January has been delayed and Nanay asked me if I could borrow from a co-teacher with the promise to pay her off when I received my salary this January.
Adelle, if you find it difficult, I find it even more difficult. You know what is almost impossible about a single older sister’s duties? She does not have her own family but she takes the responsibilities of a mother.
I have to give up dreams of an isolated life of pure peace, leisure, pleasure, isolation and books. My sister needs a gown for her JS Prom, my youngest brother needs a certain staggering sum for his expensive primary school tuition. My SSC brothers need to pay their Miscellaneous and PTA Fees. I could not even indulge a monthly trip to the cheapest fast food center in this place.
Sigh. And come to think of it, I do not even have my own family yet.
A co-teacher once made a comment about my tendency to treat questions about my love life or the lack of one as a joke. She said that one day; she would make sure that I would not find it as funny as I do know.
I thought hello? Parihuson mo ako kanimo? Maybe you are just jealous of my carefree and single state, ay. I have no plans to shackle myself on a lifetime of exile from the world I so want to live in.
Aside from that, how can you take having a boyfriend seriously?
I cannot properly support my siblings in everything they need. What would happen if I went off and get hitched myself? Where does that leave my sisters and brothers? Where does that leave me?
When you live in a particular place like this one, you would end up marrying the most persistent tricycle driver or the nearest tambay neighbor.
And that is not pure conjecture on my part. Most of the teachers here are married to jobless idiots (even my own mother… but my father is the most adorable man in the world aside from my Lolo. However, Tatay is now working at the new National airport as a NATO police, whatever that means).
Aside from seafarers (I heard from someone that seafarers have an unwritten rule of marrying teachers), most of the teachers I know here are married to jobless men, tricycle drivers, manugbaligya- sa – tiyange, and househusbands who take care of the home and the kids. Two or four of them are married to policemen; several are married to city hall employees… There are a couple or two who are married to co-teachers they met on the job…
But most cases are rather despairing…
I know a teacher who married her former student who is now a tricycle driver.
I am also aware of how these drivers view these new teachers (like myself, thankfully, I am not physically appealing at all). How they often get a kick every time a beautiful new teacher rides their tricycle.
There was this teacher who also married another bum like tricycle driver who left her with three kids and went off gallivanting with a whore in Manila.
A teacher I know summarized the point very well. She told us that men nowadays, especially those who have not graduated nor have decent employment (and by decent, I mean one that can feed, clothe, and pay for extra needs of a growing family) tend to look for teachers especially those who are plain-looking ones. Why? Teachers have steady jobs and salaries. It may not mean much but in the long run, it can provide for a family and a man with no scruples, roots or principles.
I maybe biased, but I always freeze out tricycle drivers who tend to address me in a less than professional and impersonal manner. I mean, out of decency and respect, can you just please leave me alone? I do not need your comment nor do I need your talk. I have enough as it is, thank you.
I know what appeals to these types. The salary that comes your way every 15th or 30th of the month. Really.
If women knew how to pimp themselves for a lifetime of comfort and ease, men have also started to learn that skill.
Anyway, I refused to see myself as one of these teachers. I do not want to end up married to a tricycle driver, who will give me a dozen kids, ask money from me and beats me up to get my own salary, then goes off to whore around town or get drunk with his cohorts.
Damn. What a life.
So, to I will stop looking at these smoggy gray areas of existence, I’ll put on my rose colored glasses, bury myself in a book and keep the look and you’ll freeze expression on my face once I get out of the classroom.
I’d rather wait for my dream man and stay single for the rest of my life rather than curse my future children and grand children to a life of drudgery and pain.
Doing IT Right!
I do not know if the lotto thing has increased its value but I know I do not intend to buy tickets.
Yeah, the last news reported that the prize has reach up to 228 million pesos. Very attractive..
Why? We do not need the money.
What do I mean by that? Well, we are not rich and neither are we better off than others but our needs have been well-provided for.
Nanay and I worked for what we put on the table and that is okay..
What will happen if I did win the lotto?
1.Nanay will get the amount from me and give...........................
2.Nanay will get it from me and set up a business that is bound to fail.
3.I would just buy a new laptop, buy books, buy gadgets I wanted to own, have an internet and cable connection.
4. My sisters would start asking and pestering me to buy them dresses and other fashionable blings.
5. My brothers would ask for a bike, a motorbike, a new computer installed with the latest games.
6. Tito would ask for a considerable balato which he would use to pay up his utangs, as business capital to space out his batchoyan and as pang-inuman every night.
7. Lola would ask for her share detailing monthly, yearly and even lifetime expenses, making me feel absolutely guilty whenever I entertain mercenary thoughts.
8. Some co-teachers would ask me for a loan which they do not intend to pay even if I became broke later on.
9. Nanay would ask for a considerable sum again for the construction of a house which will never be started even after the entire money reserve is depleted.
10. I would be tempted to burn all the damned money in the end and go crazy because I would earn a thousand and one enemy simply because I won in that stupid lottery.
11. My relatives, whom my mother detests because of their snobbery, would hate me for hitting gold and causing my mom something to celebrate for. Besides, one of them just might kulam me or any of my siblings. Hehe
I did not know that I had it in me. I thought I was an absolute heel when it comes to money and things like that.
Who would not wanrt to be rich? But, getting rich the lotto way is unnatural. It causes more harm than good.
Even my sister April called it kwarta ka demonyo. Probably she understands that instead of causing endless good, it can cause a lot of problems to the winner and to those around her.
I was alarmed when I heard in the news that most of the lotto stations here in Iloilo have sold out their tickets one day.
People got that desperate. They honestly thought that the best solution to their economic problems is to get rich and get rich fast.
That is why game shows with staggering prizes always won the ratings game. They are playing up the human weakness to have it done easy.
Yes, I did think about playing up the lotto game too. But, what stopped me was the realization of what would happen if I win.
The reason why God gave me this kind of wealth and this kind of life is because this is what I need, that this is best for me. If I worked hard enough and He agrees with me that I should get rich someday because that will not be harmful to me, then, that is good. Who would not want to get rich?
Yeah, the last news reported that the prize has reach up to 228 million pesos. Very attractive..
Why? We do not need the money.
What do I mean by that? Well, we are not rich and neither are we better off than others but our needs have been well-provided for.
Nanay and I worked for what we put on the table and that is okay..
What will happen if I did win the lotto?
1.Nanay will get the amount from me and give...........................
2.Nanay will get it from me and set up a business that is bound to fail.
3.I would just buy a new laptop, buy books, buy gadgets I wanted to own, have an internet and cable connection.
4. My sisters would start asking and pestering me to buy them dresses and other fashionable blings.
5. My brothers would ask for a bike, a motorbike, a new computer installed with the latest games.
6. Tito would ask for a considerable balato which he would use to pay up his utangs, as business capital to space out his batchoyan and as pang-inuman every night.
7. Lola would ask for her share detailing monthly, yearly and even lifetime expenses, making me feel absolutely guilty whenever I entertain mercenary thoughts.
8. Some co-teachers would ask me for a loan which they do not intend to pay even if I became broke later on.
9. Nanay would ask for a considerable sum again for the construction of a house which will never be started even after the entire money reserve is depleted.
10. I would be tempted to burn all the damned money in the end and go crazy because I would earn a thousand and one enemy simply because I won in that stupid lottery.
11. My relatives, whom my mother detests because of their snobbery, would hate me for hitting gold and causing my mom something to celebrate for. Besides, one of them just might kulam me or any of my siblings. Hehe
I did not know that I had it in me. I thought I was an absolute heel when it comes to money and things like that.
Who would not wanrt to be rich? But, getting rich the lotto way is unnatural. It causes more harm than good.
Even my sister April called it kwarta ka demonyo. Probably she understands that instead of causing endless good, it can cause a lot of problems to the winner and to those around her.
I was alarmed when I heard in the news that most of the lotto stations here in Iloilo have sold out their tickets one day.
People got that desperate. They honestly thought that the best solution to their economic problems is to get rich and get rich fast.
That is why game shows with staggering prizes always won the ratings game. They are playing up the human weakness to have it done easy.
Yes, I did think about playing up the lotto game too. But, what stopped me was the realization of what would happen if I win.
The reason why God gave me this kind of wealth and this kind of life is because this is what I need, that this is best for me. If I worked hard enough and He agrees with me that I should get rich someday because that will not be harmful to me, then, that is good. Who would not want to get rich?
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Just Swimming Around
| You know, there is this one blog I really liked her because it is so funny and so up-beat. The music is especially interesting guid since it relaxes. While copy-pasting dumb notes from wikipedia (sure, I use it bisan gina-advice ko sa debaters not to use it) for my so called worldly education, I swim around the music. Jay and Kate, try to visit it bala. I am sure you would feel great afterwards. I wish akon tong blog nga to. Kahirisa ano? Wala lang. Na miss ko lang mga tao here. Delai, text ka man bi. Na miss tana ka. I am going nuts here you know. Oh, Heaven, just shut up. |
I Love HIM.
| A month ago, I would not have posted this. Why? It is so O.A. So unrockerlike. I mean, no decent child of this world would dare admit that she knows Jesus or that she loves Christ. However, I have submitted myself into His hands. All my weaknesses and strengths, all the good and bad in me… So, here goes: I LOVE JESUS! Why? Or How? I will be the first person to admit that I am a sinner. A bad one. Hypocritical, self-righteous, a little bit too full of herself and her capacities. Even if I was part of the church back then, I was not a mature Christian. Then, God let me find DYBS. It is a radio station which airs God-centered program all day. I used to listen to it years ago but when I started teaching, I stopped. I got to busy and to hooked into this world to really find time for God (or I guess, I just did not care enough). Shepherd’s Voice In the morning, DYBS airs the program Shephred Voice. It is a really beautiful bibilical lecture on a lot of interesting topics. It aird sometime around 6:00 to 6:30 in the morning. That is the reason why I can now come to school earlier than I used to. Because I make an effort to catch the program. It also has a repeat airtime at around 12:00 to 12:30 so when I miss my morning does, I stay for the noon time program. Day by Day This is the second program that I listen to. This has the same format as Shepher’ds Voice but the pastor handling this program is really wacky. He makes jokes and makes his listener’s laugh a lot (I prefer the Shepher’d Voice preacher though since I am more comfortable with the scholarly approach). The pastor in here discusses biblical ideas and concepts in the context of everyone’s daily life. Tanglaw sa Landas ng Buhay This one is rather odd since its start is signaled by a cutesy song Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. (I think it goes that way, I am juts not sure). Then, there is a talkshow sort of program followed by a biblical lecture). By 8, I leave the office for my class. During lunch break, I usually listen to the replay of the Shepherd’s Voice lecture before my 12:40 class. And when I return to the office at around 4, a drama program would play. It is usually about letter senders who wanted to share how they met Jesus and how their lives have changed. At night, DYBS is usually airing programs from outside the country. One I had listened to is: Grace to You The one and only time that I was able to listen to it, my life has changed. It aired a lecture about a famous pastor. The pastor talked 15 words of hope from the Bible, that passage on 1 Corinthians 5:21 which says For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. That passage was thoroughly and clearly explained by the lecturer. That passage carefully defines and balances the mystery of reconciliation and the significance of Jesus role in everything else. Slowly, in a pacing I cannot really dictate, I am being led to a new life of hope and renewal through this program. It is true; a person’s life is richer and more meaningful with God in it. No, that does not mean I am no longer a sinner. I am still a sinner and I still continue to sin because that is the weak nature of man but it does not mean nga just because I, as a man, am weak, I would just allow my weakness to engulf me without fighting it. And with God on my side, how could I lose? P.S. I am a born and bred Roman Catholic but it does not mean I am not open to other sects or congregations. Right? Roman Catholicism has given me the freedom to study other religions anyway. I just decided to make use of that spiritual freedom in a freer manner. |
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