Who Are YOU?

I was talking to myself in front of my grandparent’s very old mirror one night. That was a year ago.

My Uncle was staring up the ceiling probably counting cobwebs and wondering why I was staring at myself. (My Uncle is a 40 year old less than normal person who has not left home for ages and Lola is the one who takes care of him).

My sisters were outside watching TV while my brothers were playing with the neighbors. Nanay was off somewhere (can’t remember where) and Lola was doing the usual chores outside as well.

In my Lola’s room, I stood before the long mirror reflecting a visage I had not really looked at for many years.

When I was a young harridan, I never bothered combing my hair in front of the mirror. I would just snag a hairbrush, dash out of the house and comb my hair while riding a tricycle to school.

I started powdering my face only after I saw my younger sister do that and I started using colognes when my sisters bought their own colognes and I could borrow from them.

I never really looked at myself in the mirror since I conceived an odd plot about mirrors being dimensional doors to other worlds.

When I was a kid, I often stare at the mirror for a very long time, not to look at how pretty I am (I am pretty, in a way. I had a classmate who was once obsessed with that childish face, that is why I had to rub her off my person). I usually looked at the mirror to stare at my eyes and then, I would start getting dizzy and ….

When I first read encounters of the Fourth (was it fifth?) kind, I suspected myself of being abducted by aliens since I suffered from memory gaps and blanks. There were periods in my childhood that I do not have any recollection of.

I do not know why, really but there were points in those younger days when I could not string a coherent memory of what happened to me. There were some very vivid recollections of conversations I had with older people but I cannot really recall some points and aspects of my student days especially those points when I was in Grade I and Grade II.

There were gaps also to my memory record of events which happened to me in the later part of my third grade in elementary and the later part also of my fourth grade.

The gaps stopped when I reached second year highschool. That was when I stopped staring at my eyes in the mirror too.

I started using compacts last month and found out that looking through your eyes with the use of a compact does not have the same hair raising effect as looking at a mirror, especially old ones.

My Lolas mirror, unfortunately, is an old one which she bought using her first savings as a hilot. My Lola believes that her abilities came from creatures she calls her and our families ubay - whatever that i.

The mirror was as tall as I am and hile staring at it, I saw another person staring back at me.

The girl in Lolas mirror was very fat and very rumpled. She was weaing a tattered housedress (the reason why she often refuses to leave the room). She could have been pretty if she were not that fat and unkempt.

Whoa, I thought. Who is that? Was that one of Lola's spirit guides? I turned around to look at where she is supposed to be standing...

But there was no one. Hehe. Ako gali to.

It was me. Drat. I did not know I am that ugly. I allowed time and the world to control me, as a person and as a being. The real me inside is no longer visible outside.

I am this fat, overindulged creature who refused the world's advice to slim down because she was too busy burying her nose in tomes.

When I had the chance to lift my nose out of books, it was to see that the pretty little girl child I once was, is no longer around.

I have grown up into this shy and self-demeaning creature who saw herself as inferior to verybody else.

Then, I stared hard at the mirror. where was that little girl everybody adored? Was she a figment of my imagination? Was she taken away by the fairy creatures and replaced by this horrible looking witch.

I stared hard... and found her. Deep inside the eyes of the ugly witch.

A Most Recent Entry from My Diary

An Entry from my Diary

I am listening to an odd rendition in violin of the timeless Love story. It feels odd. Hair-raising and really ugnhhh…. Leaves you feeling that way, disturbing, sad, nostalgic and basta, I cannot explain.

Anyway, I am deep into getting to know Christ of late. I heard a lecture on super wants. The pastor of the Day by Day program in DYBS has specifically mentioned that our Super wants control us, our actions , and our thoughts… they are our very motivation.

He also said that human wants are classified into three:

1. Pleasure or Lust of the flesh

2. Greed or Lust of the Eyes

3. Pride or Pride of Self

Among the three, I guess my super wants revolved around Pride. I did things to please other people so that they will come to like me and see me in a favorable way.

Another category of which I am a patron is Pleasure. I bought things to make me feel happy and at ease. I refused responsibilities which I could have done well because I wanted to take things easy. I am also resentful of my job because it gives me a hard time and makes me suffer a lot.

What you live for should be worth dying for because if it is not worth dying for, then it is not worth living for.

What does this mean?

If you cannot die for what it is that you have been doing continually, then, it is not very important. You are only motivated by an earthly or worldly super want which is totally not what living is all about.

Why? Because it takes your focus away from godly things, creates a distance between you and the Lord and thus, makes you feel unhappy and always hungry for more.

An example of this scenario is a store keeper who closes and opens his store everyday of his life for the sake of earning a living. If, one day, the store owner was told that he will be killed if he opens up his store, would he still do it? If the answer is no, then, his super want is of a worldly nature.

Contrast this with a heavenly or godly super want.

The following are examples mentioned

To honor, please and glorify God.
If what you do is motivated singly by these thoughts, then it shows that you have a heavenly super want. Whatever your job is, if your sole goal is to please God, that you will do everything for the greater glory of his name, then, you are being motivated by a heavenly super want.

To be like Christ
This is another example. If you do something to be like Christ, then your motivation is very strong. Aside from that, you also know you will do no wrong.

To desire salvation especially for others
When you want others to be saved just as you are saved, then, you will do you best to bring the word of God to them even if you have to walk miles, hike mountains, cross streams and swim rivers. You will do all that for Him who did everything for you.

An example of a man who was motivated by heavenly super want is the man who died on the cross and suffered all degrees of embarrassment, hardships and pain. Who went through a series of betrayals from friends and followers alike, who was ridiculed in front of a crowd who almost worshipped Him once and dies for the sins He never committed… He did it to please His father who asked it of Him. To suffer the worst fate man ever has to suffer to atone for the sins that men has committed, is committing and will commit.

He died for his super wants which are to please, glorify and honor God and to save others.

I decided to employ the second one because I wanted to be like Him. To do that, the Pastor said that the first step is to get to know Him, to be acquainted with Him. Because, as with lovers, it is only when you truly know a person that you learn to like and later on love Him. Then, you would start wanting to be like Him.

Where my HEART is (NT)

I am currently working on a Debating Club handout on Fallacies that I might give to the members.

However, something has been mentally bugging me lately interfering with my already very limited concentration on the job at hand.

You see, this is about the school Debating Club.

D’Club, as I fondly call this org, is a duly recognized but un funded school club. When I entered this school just last school year, the Club was already swinging high with two English teachers as its advisers.

This year, our head teacher assigned me as Co-adviser of the club along with one of the former two advisers.

The club has 24 members who are students of the school. Most of them are from the Special Science Class (since they are the ones brave enough to join in the screening). Most of the senior members are from the star section and all of them are busy with school matters.

When I started out as co-adviser, I was so excited. I wanted to do all things at once. I wanted a debate seminar, a series of tournaments followed by a final tournament.

Now, I have grown really disappointed over these matters.

Why?

I find it hard asking the students to come for meetings and conferences. Their usual reaction is meeting duman.

They never knew how much it hurt not to see the majority of them attend meetings I painfully set up and organize.

I know they are busy but I am also very busy. I have ALS classes every Saturday, I have to go to Agdahon everyday for my morning sessions. I also have to prepare lesson plans, class records… and not just my own… I also have to do that of Nanay since she is too busy to do them herself.

Aside from that, just like all normal human beings, I also have conflicts with money (I am not yet financially stable and as the days and months passed, asking Nanay for money gets more difficult and embarrassing)., with myself and with people around me.

One time, I had to spend my last money on the fare back to school just to attend a meeting wherein nobody, not even a soul, showed up. I walked home feeling sick, more troubled and depressed than ever and sad. Sad because they (the club members) do not value the club in the same way that I did.

By the last week of November last year, I have grown resentful and I started thinking that I do not want to have anything to do with the club anymore. I did not care about it.

I tried to revive my enthusiasm by the second week of December. But the January meeting has left me depressed again.

I forced myself to do my part and I keep forcing myself still. There were three or four members who are quite dedicated to what we are doing but most are not as passionate about it.

They are very busy with school work. I try to help them as best as I can but the problem with the budget keeps interfering after all.

I no longer know what to do with myself and with the club. I am just too serious about it but these teeners do not need this kind of pressure. I already feel bad for forcing them to stay later than usual and from keeping them from the things that they would rather do.

Maybe next year, I will just give up the club and focus on my master’s degree and my classes. At least, I would have a valid reason for pressuring to students into their full and total potential.

Guys, I am sorry for making you do things you do not want to do and for forcing Debate into your additional duties list.

(Sad).

Donning Rose Colored Glasses

I woke up one morning, jumped off my bed and immediately went to watch the sunrise only to be greeted by a gray environment enveloped by smog (smoke and fog).

Adelle was right when she said that the times right now demand that we be conscious of our spending route.

A typical Grade 10 salary of most employees is not enough to supply a family’s needs. Most teachers I know revert to “selling” their salaries in advance to the school cashier or to other loan sharks who take advantage of their financial weakness. Most incur debts from the neighborhood Bombay or to the school allied bank.

Anyway, I was forced to borrow 6,000 from a co-teacher just last February 4, 2009. As a Local School Board teacher, my salary for the month of January has been delayed and Nanay asked me if I could borrow from a co-teacher with the promise to pay her off when I received my salary this January.

Adelle, if you find it difficult, I find it even more difficult. You know what is almost impossible about a single older sister’s duties? She does not have her own family but she takes the responsibilities of a mother.

I have to give up dreams of an isolated life of pure peace, leisure, pleasure, isolation and books. My sister needs a gown for her JS Prom, my youngest brother needs a certain staggering sum for his expensive primary school tuition. My SSC brothers need to pay their Miscellaneous and PTA Fees. I could not even indulge a monthly trip to the cheapest fast food center in this place.

Sigh. And come to think of it, I do not even have my own family yet.

A co-teacher once made a comment about my tendency to treat questions about my love life or the lack of one as a joke. She said that one day; she would make sure that I would not find it as funny as I do know.

I thought hello? Parihuson mo ako kanimo? Maybe you are just jealous of my carefree and single state, ay. I have no plans to shackle myself on a lifetime of exile from the world I so want to live in.

Aside from that, how can you take having a boyfriend seriously?

I cannot properly support my siblings in everything they need. What would happen if I went off and get hitched myself? Where does that leave my sisters and brothers? Where does that leave me?

When you live in a particular place like this one, you would end up marrying the most persistent tricycle driver or the nearest tambay neighbor.

And that is not pure conjecture on my part. Most of the teachers here are married to jobless idiots (even my own mother… but my father is the most adorable man in the world aside from my Lolo. However, Tatay is now working at the new National airport as a NATO police, whatever that means).

Aside from seafarers (I heard from someone that seafarers have an unwritten rule of marrying teachers), most of the teachers I know here are married to jobless men, tricycle drivers, manugbaligya- sa – tiyange, and househusbands who take care of the home and the kids. Two or four of them are married to policemen; several are married to city hall employees… There are a couple or two who are married to co-teachers they met on the job…

But most cases are rather despairing…

I know a teacher who married her former student who is now a tricycle driver.
I am also aware of how these drivers view these new teachers (like myself, thankfully, I am not physically appealing at all). How they often get a kick every time a beautiful new teacher rides their tricycle.

There was this teacher who also married another bum like tricycle driver who left her with three kids and went off gallivanting with a whore in Manila.

A teacher I know summarized the point very well. She told us that men nowadays, especially those who have not graduated nor have decent employment (and by decent, I mean one that can feed, clothe, and pay for extra needs of a growing family) tend to look for teachers especially those who are plain-looking ones. Why? Teachers have steady jobs and salaries. It may not mean much but in the long run, it can provide for a family and a man with no scruples, roots or principles.

I maybe biased, but I always freeze out tricycle drivers who tend to address me in a less than professional and impersonal manner. I mean, out of decency and respect, can you just please leave me alone? I do not need your comment nor do I need your talk. I have enough as it is, thank you.

I know what appeals to these types. The salary that comes your way every 15th or 30th of the month. Really.

If women knew how to pimp themselves for a lifetime of comfort and ease, men have also started to learn that skill.

Anyway, I refused to see myself as one of these teachers. I do not want to end up married to a tricycle driver, who will give me a dozen kids, ask money from me and beats me up to get my own salary, then goes off to whore around town or get drunk with his cohorts.

Damn. What a life.

So, to I will stop looking at these smoggy gray areas of existence, I’ll put on my rose colored glasses, bury myself in a book and keep the look and you’ll freeze expression on my face once I get out of the classroom.

I’d rather wait for my dream man and stay single for the rest of my life rather than curse my future children and grand children to a life of drudgery and pain.

Doing IT Right!

I do not know if the lotto thing has increased its value but I know I do not intend to buy tickets.

Yeah, the last news reported that the prize has reach up to 228 million pesos. Very attractive..

Why? We do not need the money.

What do I mean by that? Well, we are not rich and neither are we better off than others but our needs have been well-provided for.

Nanay and I worked for what we put on the table and that is okay..

What will happen if I did win the lotto?

1.Nanay will get the amount from me and give...........................

2.Nanay will get it from me and set up a business that is bound to fail.

3.I would just buy a new laptop, buy books, buy gadgets I wanted to own, have an internet and cable connection.

4. My sisters would start asking and pestering me to buy them dresses and other fashionable blings.

5. My brothers would ask for a bike, a motorbike, a new computer installed with the latest games.

6. Tito would ask for a considerable balato which he would use to pay up his utangs, as business capital to space out his batchoyan and as pang-inuman every night.

7. Lola would ask for her share detailing monthly, yearly and even lifetime expenses, making me feel absolutely guilty whenever I entertain mercenary thoughts.

8. Some co-teachers would ask me for a loan which they do not intend to pay even if I became broke later on.

9. Nanay would ask for a considerable sum again for the construction of a house which will never be started even after the entire money reserve is depleted.

10. I would be tempted to burn all the damned money in the end and go crazy because I would earn a thousand and one enemy simply because I won in that stupid lottery.

11. My relatives, whom my mother detests because of their snobbery, would hate me for hitting gold and causing my mom something to celebrate for. Besides, one of them just might kulam me or any of my siblings. Hehe

I did not know that I had it in me. I thought I was an absolute heel when it comes to money and things like that.

Who would not wanrt to be rich? But, getting rich the lotto way is unnatural. It causes more harm than good.

Even my sister April called it kwarta ka demonyo. Probably she understands that instead of causing endless good, it can cause a lot of problems to the winner and to those around her.

I was alarmed when I heard in the news that most of the lotto stations here in Iloilo have sold out their tickets one day.

People got that desperate. They honestly thought that the best solution to their economic problems is to get rich and get rich fast.

That is why game shows with staggering prizes always won the ratings game. They are playing up the human weakness to have it done easy.

Yes, I did think about playing up the lotto game too. But, what stopped me was the realization of what would happen if I win.

The reason why God gave me this kind of wealth and this kind of life is because this is what I need, that this is best for me. If I worked hard enough and He agrees with me that I should get rich someday because that will not be harmful to me, then, that is good. Who would not want to get rich?

Just Swimming Around

You know, there is this one blog I really liked her because it is so funny and so up-beat. The music is especially interesting guid since it relaxes. While copy-pasting dumb notes from wikipedia (sure, I use it bisan gina-advice ko sa debaters not to use it) for my so called worldly education, I swim around the music. Jay and Kate, try to visit it bala. I am sure you would feel great afterwards. I wish akon tong blog nga to. Kahirisa ano? Wala lang. Na miss ko lang mga tao here. Delai, text ka man bi. Na miss tana ka. I am going nuts here you know. Oh, Heaven, just shut up.

I Love HIM.

A month ago, I would not have posted this. Why? It is so O.A. So unrockerlike. I mean, no decent child of this world would dare admit that she knows Jesus or that she loves Christ. However, I have submitted myself into His hands. All my weaknesses and strengths, all the good and bad in me… So, here goes: I LOVE JESUS! Why? Or How? I will be the first person to admit that I am a sinner. A bad one. Hypocritical, self-righteous, a little bit too full of herself and her capacities. Even if I was part of the church back then, I was not a mature Christian. Then, God let me find DYBS. It is a radio station which airs God-centered program all day. I used to listen to it years ago but when I started teaching, I stopped. I got to busy and to hooked into this world to really find time for God (or I guess, I just did not care enough). Shepherd’s Voice In the morning, DYBS airs the program Shephred Voice. It is a really beautiful bibilical lecture on a lot of interesting topics. It aird sometime around 6:00 to 6:30 in the morning. That is the reason why I can now come to school earlier than I used to. Because I make an effort to catch the program. It also has a repeat airtime at around 12:00 to 12:30 so when I miss my morning does, I stay for the noon time program. Day by Day This is the second program that I listen to. This has the same format as Shepher’ds Voice but the pastor handling this program is really wacky. He makes jokes and makes his listener’s laugh a lot (I prefer the Shepher’d Voice preacher though since I am more comfortable with the scholarly approach). The pastor in here discusses biblical ideas and concepts in the context of everyone’s daily life. Tanglaw sa Landas ng Buhay This one is rather odd since its start is signaled by a cutesy song Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. (I think it goes that way, I am juts not sure). Then, there is a talkshow sort of program followed by a biblical lecture). By 8, I leave the office for my class. During lunch break, I usually listen to the replay of the Shepherd’s Voice lecture before my 12:40 class. And when I return to the office at around 4, a drama program would play. It is usually about letter senders who wanted to share how they met Jesus and how their lives have changed. At night, DYBS is usually airing programs from outside the country. One I had listened to is: Grace to You The one and only time that I was able to listen to it, my life has changed. It aired a lecture about a famous pastor. The pastor talked 15 words of hope from the Bible, that passage on 1 Corinthians 5:21 which says For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. That passage was thoroughly and clearly explained by the lecturer. That passage carefully defines and balances the mystery of reconciliation and the significance of Jesus role in everything else. Slowly, in a pacing I cannot really dictate, I am being led to a new life of hope and renewal through this program. It is true; a person’s life is richer and more meaningful with God in it. No, that does not mean I am no longer a sinner. I am still a sinner and I still continue to sin because that is the weak nature of man but it does not mean nga just because I, as a man, am weak, I would just allow my weakness to engulf me without fighting it. And with God on my side, how could I lose? P.S. I am a born and bred Roman Catholic but it does not mean I am not open to other sects or congregations. Right? Roman Catholicism has given me the freedom to study other religions anyway. I just decided to make use of that spiritual freedom in a freer manner.

Just Call Me Ma'am Heaven

Who said that teachers had it easy should be stabbed in the heart with a stake and buried 160 feet under a freezing grave. Being a teacher is not easy. When I started out, I wondered: God, what am I going to do? And I was already standing in front of 60 plus unknown faces who have frighteningly curious, assessing and dubious gleams in their eyes. I went through that phase in a blur. I forgot what I said and what I did that day and just like most nervous and new teachers in the field, I immediately launched into a discussion of the lesson which I had planned the other night. Then, just before I was about to dismiss my class, a student asked: What is your name, Ma’am? That broke the tension. I, as I normally do when I forget something (which always happens anyway despite my precautions and obsessions with To Do Lists), slapped my forehead and grinned. “Just call me Ma’am Heaven”, I said. From then on, upon entering the room, I was able to evolve an odd means of beginning the school year: If possible, I usually want to be the first person to enter the classroom. I would sit on the teacher’s table at the back and allow the whole class to settle down. Then, I would move to the front and just stand there. I would stare at my new students for approximately 20 minutes. (I do that to form an impression of the students based on the auras they generate. And no, it’s not a new wave concept or thing. It is just the way I am). If they become uncomfortable, the better it is for me. Then, I would write my complete name on the board. And tell the class to; Just call me, Ma’am Heaven. One student asked me once why I wanted to be called by my first name and not by the usual surname that most teachers are addressed with. Here are my reasons: 1. First, I am not most teachers (in fact, I am not most persons). 2. My mother is also a teacher in the same school and she is known as Mrs. (Our surname) so to avoid confusion, I’d rather be called Ma’am Heaven. 3. I do not like the way my surname sounds. 4. A woman’s last name is not her own. An unmarried girl carries her father’s last name and a married woman carries that of her husband (which is strange since I believe you can never really tell if a man is the father of a child but you are always very sure about the mother). 5. I want to be known as my own person: not as my mother’s daughter, not as my father’s child, not as the kid of so and so but as myself. (Maybe that is the reason why they do not have last names in the past. So If I were alive back in the past, I would be Heaven of Passi). 6. It was my beloved grandfather who gave me that name without my mother’s knowledge. She revealed that she herself was shocked to find out that my beloved Lolo named me Heaven. Thank’s a bunch Lo. Anyway, I love my name. I used to hate it a lot when I was younger and it brought me easily to the attentions of my teachers. But, as time progressed, I realized how appropriate the name is. No., I am not Heaven the Good. In fact, I am 50% evil, 50% unknown material. Instead, Heaven, to me is the sky, timeless and unpredictable. It is also a reservoir of the violence of nature and her brightest joys. There are times that the sky is happy and good but there are times when it heralds destruction. Aside from that, the Heaven’s I know are males. The son of Geneva Cruz for one, and then there’s the husband of Mother Earth (Gaea), Father Heaven (Ouranus). And I have these odd idea that the universe actually planned me to become a male. So, I will just stay Heaven, I guess.

In Gratitude

In gratitude I wanted to make use of some Latin phrase as the title for this piece just to serve as another warning to myself just in case this turns out to be a very lengthy prose of gratitude to those people whom I owe so much: However, I do not know Latin, eh. Thank you to the following persons: To Lolo, for stealthily changing my name from Marie Antoinette to Heaven, salamat guid, wherever you are. Thank you for giving me my first book on literature, for making me memorize a piece from the Merchant of Venice, and for telling me all those stories about the supernatural and the local legends. Thank you for always being there for me Lolo. (Salamat man for passing those great intellectual genes, hehe). To Lola, for bringing me to all those masses when I was too young to put up a fight. You saved me from the dangers of atheism. Thank you for the baons, the dresses, (even the boxes of panties, shhh). Thank you for showing me the ways of a proper lady. To Nanay, for the very strict and regimental upbringing (I may not like your style but it had its moments). Thank you for giving me this profession, for teaching what family really means and for keeping my money for me (yes, Nay. Ubuson ko lang guid man daa sa libro if I had my way). Thank you for giving up the things you wanted most just to bring us up. Naintindihan ta ka (bisan indi, hehe). To Tatay, for washing my clothes, for sharing those jokes, for simply being there. Even if you are not with us anymore Tay, I will always be grateful for all the things you gave me and the love you unselfishly gave us. Thank you for giving up 20 years of your life for me. Love you Tay. (And no, readers, that is the correct arrangement because tatay was our ilaw ng tahanan and Nanay was our haligi, and yes, I was confused when I was too young to understand how things worked). To my brothers and sisters, no comment lang anay ha. Separate page kamo since you do know how to make my life happy and frustrating at the same time. Basta guys, most of the things that I do, I do for you (So kamu dapat mapasalamat kanakon) To Ma’am Teresa Martinez Devecais, for believing in me. It made a big difference in my life, just knowing that someone believed in me and in what I could do. If not for that Ma’am, I would not be where I am today and I would not be who I am now.Kudos for being such a great teacher. To Ms. Emilia Solidarios, for trusting me in elementary. For discovering that thing that I did not know I have. And for helping me nurture it. To Ma’am Fina Felisa Alcudia, for inspiring me to reach my full potential as a teacher, for the maternal concern and for showing me what a great teacher is like. To Ma’am Victoria Villa Albacete, for guiding me throughout my last year in college, for believing in me, for not letting me down whenever I needed her. Thank you Ma’am for the support, the guidance, the commitment. Thank you pa guid sa mga advice kag encouragement… sa tanan-tanan guid. To Mary Rose Adelle Pacificar, for being there, for listening, for sharing… For all those special experiences you gave me… for teaching me to spread my wings and for keeping my trust all these years. You never did let me down, Del. To Ma’am Cecilia Gatungay, for letting me use the library to my hearts content, for allowing me to borrow books for months, for the advice and the listening ear…and the support. Thank you for understanding. To Geramie Barbosa, for being such a great bestfriend (baw, best na great pa). The world hated me back then, but you were always there to make it worth it. You spoiled me, you know. You were such a darling and I did not know how I loved being spoiled until we parted ways. To the SS IV Batch 2002 of PNHS, for being such great study materials. Joke. Thank you guys, for bearing with me all those years. I may not have allowed you to copy my assignments and my answers during tests and I may have been very selfish with my knowledge but I did it for your own good you know (hehe). Promise, now that I am a teacher, I will teach your younger brothers and sisters and your children (buhay pa man da guro, ano?) really well. (Swear). To SILAK the college publication, for the experiences, the lessons, the sense of belonging, and for introducing new things. Because of you, my college life was made even more colorful and precious. To Ma’am Erlinda Salaya, for the big break…and for making it even more unique and significant. That moment changed my life ma’am. I can still remember the smoke, the time, and how everything seemed to slow down and ceased moving when you said the words you did that fateful day, nine years ago. And most especially, to God for putting all these people in my life. Your timing has always been perfect. They were right after all, God is always good and God always knows what is best.

Borrowed Wisdom 1

I have nothing to say today. Instead, let me share some wisdom I was able to file from previous readings I did and movies I have watched. “Be Niggards of Advice on no Pretence; For the worst Avarice is that of Sense: With mean Complacence ne'er betray your Trust, Nor be so Civil as to prove Unjust; Fear not the Anger of the Wise to raise; Those best can bear Reproof, who merit Praise.” - An Essay on Criticism (Alexander Pope) You wanna see a miracle, son? BE THE MIRACLE. - Bruce Almighty Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. -Bruce Almighty Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you, too, can become great. - Mark Twain I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life. - Eleven Minutes (Paulo Coelho) Why do you always asks questions for which you already know the answer? - X-Men Parents shouldn’t leave their kids…unless they have to. -Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death. - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Why don’t we hunt humans anymore? It’s too easy. - Donna Boyd (The Passion) In wilderness is the survival of the soul. -Donna Boyd (The Passion) In seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy.Drive your cart and your plow over the bones of the dead.The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.Prudence is a rich ugly old maid courted by Incapacity.He who desires but acts not, breeds pestilence.The cut worm forgives the plow.Dip him in the river who loves water. -The Proverbs of Hell ( from The Marriage of Heaven and Hell by William Blake)

Ang Mga Lalaki Sa Akon Pinsar

Warning: The Writer is in a pensive mood and is determined to bore everyone to death. In real life, I have never had a boyfriend. Sa real, life e. But, in my other life (yes, darling I have one), I have several. You wanna get to know them? Sure. Guys, meet my men. Tadaa. Cyril Nuevo He is the boy I dreamed about when I was in grade 4. Of course, he does not exist but, he has a name. He introduced himself to me in that dream. Cute, no? I do not know any guy by that name, you see, and he probably does not exist but, has anyone ever dreamed of someone they do not know tapos nagpakilala pa? Benjamin Alegre I made him up when I was in second year college. Why? Nahisa ko sa mga classmates ko. He is the handsomest imaginary man I ever created, hehe. He wears cashmeres and jeans and has longish hair. I patterned him after the tainted prince (tong gay musician bala). Gabriel whatever It used to be my favorite name so I used it for my imaginary boyfriend. Sa kabaliwan ko, I even wrote him letters which I still hide in my secret aparadors. I even introduced him to a classmate (I was in third year college then, buangit guid no?) His appearance was inspired by a stationary picture I once bought. Now, I hate the name. why? Because, he is someone I hate, hate hate. (The kind of hate that makes you think of sneaking inside the hated persons room, tying him down with a rope and stripping his flesh piece by piece. Tapos, isawsaw sa langgaw kag asin. (Die, demon die.) Peter Abelard This one is new. When I become a published writer, I would like to make use of Heloise Abelard as a pseudonym. Then, I would write grateful messages to Peter, hehe. Peter Abelard is a medieval philosopher and was Heloise’s tutor. He eventually became Heloise’s lover and Heloise’s uncle had him castrated because of that (cute no, I mean, crude gle). The Nameless I tried inventing a name for him but this creature from the whateversphere he came from is undefinable. I cannot give him a name because to give him one is to limit him and this guy is just limitless. Who is he? He came into my life in an unexpected manner. I just opened one of the windows para mag-sightseeing then popped in this guy and I thought, whoa! He exists. Imagine my shock! I am still shock until now. He does not exist in my real world. He is one of my other men, the men in this parallel universe I lived in. But, I think it is enough to know nga at least, ga-exist guid man si Toto. Sorry sa kabuangan. Indi lang guid mapunggan. Siguro, next time, hopefully mainitindihan guid man.

Such a Lonely World

Happy Valentines Day, self.

Waay abi ako di rum-an so, i greet ko nalang self ko sang malipayon nga kaadlawan sang tagipusuon.

Hehe.

I have been writing really epic posts and I was shocked. I guess the my thinly veiled trying hard intellectual peeks through the kuno abi self-effacing and modest kid. Duh.

Tak-an na ko sang life ko. Tak-an naman ko mag-english. Insa? I have no date tomorrow and blogging is a lonely endeavour. (Darn, daw ma-epic duman ja haw).

Tak-an naman ko magpaka-plastik with myself.

Masubo man gali kun alone ka lang ano?

Kag ang masubo pa guid is, daw nakita ko dun ang dream thing ko in an unexpected manner. Kalain a!

I am falling in love with an entity, an entity living in a different sphere of existence.

Note: I am starting to regret posting this blog. Hahahaha. This is a first. Nagbinuang ako!!!!

P.S. Keeping the non-enlish words in italics is also taxing. Reminder to self: Pahapos next time.

Models Aside

I know I have a lot of things to do but I need to get this out of my system. Writing is the best way of exorcism for me (especially kun gina-demonyo ako).

Why? Well, I have been to my favorite internet café (yes, dear. We have no internet connection, mahal bi) just this afternoon (after a dispirited meeting with the Debatign Club).

I went blog crazy for awhile and I posted all the thoughts I have been hoarding for the week that I was not able to check my account (why? No money, no honey. Wala bi suweldo sa city hall, grrrr).

Then, I went bloghopping (and yes, this is the second time I used that term since I just borrowed it from a blogger who used it once). And, imagine what I saw.

Jayrick, (dear Jayrick, defense attorney of all models) vented out his frustrations on my not-so-well-thought-of remark regarding models. Well, Jayman, I guess, that was the real me speaking, the snide and snooty intellectual who frowns upon pretty faces and sexy bodies (kay man nahisa..kag abnormal).

I don’t know, I really do not have a well-defined opinion about models. I was not interested to follow/observe the career of one.

The following can be blamed, I think:

1. I guess, I was too hooked to the usual snide and snooty type of intellectual pursuit so I was not able to develop an interest in them.

2. We did not and still do not have a cable connection. Nanay never approved of it and anyway, we can’t afford it as well. (I have five younger siblings who are all certified couch potatoes…how long can the TV last if we have cable?)

3.I do not read fashion magazines. I only get depressed. (Why? Do you even have to ask?)
I really do not like models. (Ginapamangkot pa da? Duh)

4. Well, yes guys, it could be because we are girls that are is why we do not really care a lot about it.

I mean, everytime I see a model, I ask myself: why is she doing what she is doing? Kay feel niya lang? What kind of personality would want to flaunt her body to everyone (Well, I am not saying this because I am incapable of flaunting my body because I have too much of it, pero, hello? I mean, this is my body, it’s mine. Why should I share it with you? Palangga ta ka haw?I do not even know you (my siblings are watching an odd Filipino movie which has too much moaning and groaning it is starting to make my skin really crawl, now).

Pretensions aside though, I have not really put much thought on ramp models but the fact that I enjoy using them as the major antagonists in my novels (draft pa man lang) sort of explains my not so positive opinion about them.

But then, a big thankee to Jayrick dear here, I guess I learned something guid man: Keep your mouth shut when dealing with things you are not so passionate about because you can never really defend your stand.

Joke.

What the voices (inside my head) say:

Pati Jay a. I respect your opinion about models, you know. And I do know that you are right. It is just so wrong for us to judge people based on stereotypes (dapat, MP5types,hehe). In my ignorance, I guess I spouted ill-informed ideas about models. I have been unfair, I know. Next time, tell me straight okay? (Heaven, the Teacher mode).

I still insist that man is more than just the clothes he wear (or doesn’t wear). (Heaven, the snob mode).

To each his own, bro. Respect mo ko, repect ta man ka, a. Respetuhanay lang ta.(Addict mode, is that still me?)

Huh? What are we discussing again? (The real me.)

A Summit Unreached

The fourth district of this province had an educational summit last December.

Well, yes, as a matter of fact, it did happen last December. And no, I am not trying to unlock skeletons in their nastily locked closets.

I just realized that, as a mentor, I am obliged to report to the public what I honestly thought went wrong when one tries to keep their minds in the middle.

And no, I have no delusions of grandeur (professionally speaking but personally, theres the Prince William fixation).

Anyway, it was the first time that I attended the said summit (and I believe it is also the first time that we had it).

Our Division, and several key officials from the mother division along with another fledgling town attended the said summit.

The beloved representative, stately and really crushable (no, I am not licking boots here, I am just saying that he is as huggable as a teddy bear and as intelligent as doctors come but really, he speaks absolutely well and is quite brilliant), was also around. In fact, it was this representative who made the summit possible.

Back in college, I did hear about Educational Summits beign held in U.S. states. In fact, during my short foray with extra research on Curriculum Development, most of the policies, changes and problems were pinpointed and identified during such a summit.

I have anticipated the summit since I heard of it weeks before the event. I wanted to see how a summit is being held and how it my fellow teachers are going to react or participate in it.

I actually thought we were on the verge of something really big here.

However, I was bound for disappointment.

Why?

Most of those who came were only interested with the raffle draw and the give-aways courtesy of the congressman.

I was shocked. Even my mother, who was a teacher also, had that same thing in mind.

No one wanted to ask questions and raise points during the open forum. The report of the superintendents became a farcical bragging of lead lions offeiring the proud achievements of their pack.. though one of them really should be commended for his/her exemplary performance.

I got home feeling really evil that night. I honestly had impossible expectations for Philippine Education.

I thought we would, at last, be able to share things with fellow mentors from across the province. Share our minds, give our hearts.

There was one bright moment in the entire event though. We had a good speaker.

The Undersecretary of the Department of Education was a visionary who absolutely had us all eating out of her palm.

She is brilliant. In fact, she has become a sort of icon in my view (especially in this area where icons like her come in as often as blue moons).

I want to be like her.

Happy Valentine Thoughts

I have never had a boyfriend so I really do not know how having one would feel. Oh yes, I have been the sounding board and ear of several breaking hearts but all those chummy talks with my oh so mature classmates usually left me feeling cold. What is really the point of entering into a relationship? The fights they have recounted were pointless matters. The arguments were inessentials. The assertions and aspersions were pretty crazy and, I guess, I did not really sympathized with them back then. Alove Story...turned bad Just last Wednesday, I went to my old university so that I can apply for a Graduate study program. After I secured the forms I would need, my mother dropped me off to Robinsons so I could go book-bingeing again. After several hours in Booksale, my mother fetched me and we waited outside Mang Inasal for our Jeepney ride to the bus terminal. Most of the PUJ’s were full so we had to wait for quite a while. With us was a strange looking couple. Well, strange because the girl had the man’s shirt bunched in a tight fist. I thought they were just doing the usual icky PDA thing and pa-cutesy with each other all around. I tried to hide a grin. Well, Valentines was still a week off and these can’t really be serious. When I looked at them again, I saw the girl hit the man on the chest several times. She gave him several weak almost desperate blows on the chest. The guy was looking at her, sometimes at others, his manner calm and cool, as if he was trying to talk to her soothingly. I frowned and thought: Poor guy. He is saddled with a clingy, emotional wreck. I turned away and asked Nanay for the fruitcake she kept in her bag. Looking at them made me hungry. While eating, I could not resist taking another peek at the lovers. And I cringed at what I saw. The girl was gripping the mans shirt again, alternately hitting him once more on the chest with her fist, as she tried to lower down her voice, asking the man something, almost desperately demanding it from him. The guy looked at her firmly and held her hand, pulling if off his crumpled T-shirt. I can see that he was quite embarrassed by the spectacle the girl was turning out to be. And I thought, boys, stay away from girls like her. Then, the first tear fell and I blanched. Oh God, I thought. The girl desperately tried to keep the tears at bay, and continued to demand, in a small voice about something the guy refused to answer. Then, I saw the guilt in the guy’s eyes. And, as if the girl sensed it too (was that woman;s intuition?) her tears started falling earnestly. She was asking him why? I saw the remorse in the guys face. He did not know what to do with the crying girl (If I were him, I would have dragged her into my arms, hugged her fiercely and assure her that I will never break her heart again because yes, her heart was breaking and I can almost hear the pieces making ping, ping, ping (and toink,toink,toink) sounds as they hit the pavement). I thought: Damn you, you cretin from hell! Why do you always make gentle girls like her cry, you devil. Then, as a typical human that he is, the man grew angry and gripped the girl’s hands hard. He whisked her hands away from him and walked away and the woman stupidly followed him and did the same grip and hit routine. It was pretty stupid, really. I almost pitied the girl but I could not help feeling absolutely irked with her. Men who make you cry aren’t worth the tears. It is pretty silly, really. And I think girls deserve more than and more from men like him. Anyway, I felt really sad after witnessing such a public debacle. It was not necessary at all. And really stupid. I am quite sure that like other lovers, they started out as happy and how did they progressed a week before Valentine’s Day? Tears, and a public fight. What could be worse than PDA (public display of antagonism)? If I were in the girl’s place what would I do, huh? Umm, if the man I loved betrayed me with another girl, I think I would just ask him about it. Ask him to tell the truth and tell him to pursue his happiness. Of course, I would probably cry over him too (I would not pick someone who is not worth crying over, really), but I will do it in the sanctuary of my room. Not in front of him and the whole damned world. No way. I would never grant a man that kind of satisfaction. That only caters to their sadistic tendencies. What could be wrong? Why are these things happening? Some man leaves his wife for another woman, some woman cuckolds her husband with another guy, some boyfriend betrays her loving girl with her bestfriend and some girlfriend dabbles in cyber relationships. Cool huh? IS this the alternative lifestyles that they were referring to at the dawn of the new millennium? I mean, wow. Free for all? Duh. I really do not know with the rest of the world but I think the real reasons why I would enter into a relationship (hopefully, one that includes a ring on the finger, a Christian ceremony and a lifetime of konsumisyona and the usual 2.5 kids in a 2 storey bungalow) are the ff: 1. Love, as I define it. In a Philosophy of Man class, a classmate once asked me to say I Love you without using the actual words. My answer? I want to share my thoughts with you. I guess that classmate was right. Love cannot be explained, it can only be expressed and my expression of love is by sharing who and what I am to the other person. I love a person when I share my time and my knowledge with him or her. And when I say love, I am not talking of the romantic kind. Love for me is the desire to be with the other person. When I choose my mate someday (mate, daw sapat ba), I would give my heart into his keeping. (Daw sa Pirates of the Caribbean bala). For me, there are no such things as a true love, an endless love or a first love. There is only love. That is one emotion that one feels but that cannot be explained, not even by philosophy. Love is love. And when you feel it, you will know it. 2. Companionship That is the second reason why I would enter into a relationship. My life partner is someone who will be with me for the rest of my life; not only for today, but for the rest of it. I will not accept compromises because I only have one heart, and when I give it to him I would not take it back again. I would demand that he take care of it. In return though, I would also ask for his heart (tapos, mapista kami nga daw mga aswang, pati liver kag tanan nga kasudlan) and in the same manner, I would take care of it (and eat it with relish, niyahaha). 3. Need A classmate and I once went to a mall right after school. I think we needed to buy something for a course requirement back then. While walking, we saw a lot of couples strolling and window shopping (so called because naga lantaw lang sagwa ka window hehe) and I told her, quite innocently (yes, innocently since I was only 18 back then) that maybe, she (my classmate) should go find a boyfriend so that someone will also treat us out to dinner or lunch or jollibee. She laughed, but I know there was a mercenary glint in her eye that seems to say that she agrees with me. Hmmm. Kidding aside, that is one reason why I would also want to , you know… Because of need. That biting thing inside you that keeps you feeling unsatisfied when you know you should be satisfied. That little spark of sad feeling within that makes you cry in the middle of the night because you have no one to hug in your soft, big bed. That need for someone or something to reach out to, touch and share all the pains and gains of the day… Amu da (and I am not talking about the hunger pangs, day). 4. Passion. Love is weak, as the world defines it. But, there is something out there that strengthens a relationship. Passion, that is what it is. It is not obsession, no. Obsession is not good. It is quite destructive. Passion is the thing. If you have not yet felt that then, that is just too bad. Sige, so that you can understand me better, let us try this analogy: Have you seen a little puppy biting a shoe? When the pup refuses to let go of the shoe, passion daa. Hehe . Intiendes? Okay, so those are the reasons why I would (if ever) enter a relationship. The reasons why I would not enter into a relationship will be outlined some other time, so hold your horses…

Katrina Mae: A Piece of Puzzle

She reminds me of myself many years ago. I do not really know why but I have always been drawn to Kate (in the same manner that I have been fascinated with April Dhary Jhoy, one of her classmates. I do not know her but if there is a picture of true beauty, for me, it is Dhary). Anyway, Kate is one of the members of the Debating Club. She is also the Club Secretary, a trustworthy and reliable one too. I had not really known Kate as well as I have come to know Jayrick and Rey. I had lesser contact with her compared to the two. I know that Jayrick feels Kate is a great writer (and that is truly something from someone who has won a National Press Con award). Note: Jayrick, be proud of that achievement, no matter what they say. That is truly something dun. I mean, fortune smiled at you for one straight year. And you deserved it. Nahisa lang da sanda,a. I do know though, that like Rey and Jayrick, Katrina has a burning potential deep inside her… most of it untapped. Probably because no one really realized the brilliance covered by the rough and self-effacing edges. Unlike most girls her age, Katrina does not care about appearances. She has an earthy beauty which remains unnoticed because she does not really do something about it. (Perversely, though, I like her more because of that). Katrina is not the type who would bring attention to herself. She is adorably nice, and gentle. A real lady in every sense of the word (I have a different definition of lady, by the way, and I think that definition fits Kate). Kate is also a dedicated and hardworking person. She knows the word commitment and would loyally stick to one she makes. Kate is a voracious reader. In fact, she is a very mature reader since the choices she makes are much better than my usual reading preferences. She has no genre fixations and has an open mind when it comes to reading. She speaks well and has an extensively functional vocabulary. One which she has to harness and effectively process. I heard her sing with Rey once and I think she sings well. Her conversational drift are really interesting. She talks well, has sound opinions about everything and is a good listener. When she speaks, she speaks with sense. And she is not too full of herself. I heard a hint of envy or say insecurity when Jayrick spoke about Kate’s writing prowess once (and Jayrick, I know I maybe wrong about this but I just want to be honest okay). I mean, I am sort of aware of such things because it was the same with me and some of my writing friends too. It gets better once you have come to accept that you and that friend have differing skills. I convinced Jayrick that he is a better writer than Kate. I told him Kate is good but he is better (because I read one of her works before). And I still believe in that. Jayrick has already learned the potential power of the words he uses. Kate is still learning the secrets of the trade. I may not know what developments would come to both of them in the near future but I know Kate has a lot to learn. I am just trying to be honest here and not putting down people. I wish I could teach Kate the things that I have learned in college. I mean, we are both alike because when I was in high school, I also wrote in the same way as Kate did. In fact, Kate writes much better than I did before. It was good (the writing, I mean), based on the usual standards of this school, but once you go out, you realize that your old school’s concept of good is different from that of the rest of the world. Kate, if you want to learn and improve both your writing and yourself, open your senses. Do not be afraid to run after the knowledge and the experience. I do not know what you will eventually choose as a career but I do know that writing and reading is already a part of you. It is in your blood, right? Your career may not allow you to practice your passion (mine makes it difficult). But, don’t hesitate to nurture it. Eventually, your lifepath will allow you to weave your passions thread in your life. And you will soon realize that the things you learn, the experiences you go through are actually a preparation for something in your tomorrow. Yes, everything is interconnected. Someone is out there who plans things for us. Is it God? Morgan le Fae? Merlin? Odin? Zeus? (Hehe, ga research be on fairies, ano pa). Basta, someone’s out there. I like you Katey. And your are beautiful, inside and out.

Rey Anthony: AN Enigma

This is about another student I have come to know this year. I guess I am going to start a compilation of student personalities. I especially find students like the two I have written about in here to be more fascinating than others. I have been eyeing this contestant ever since I first heard him speak in an impromptu competition almost a year ago. I am already familiar with the kid since he was my sisters classmate back in elementary. When I heard him speak back then, I was almost astounded. I told myself, Kanugon. This child has so much potential. And I thought, if I would be given the chance to handle the kid, I might be able to teach him a thing or two. This school year, our head teacher assigned me as co-adviser of our debating club here in school. One of the ten core and senior members of the club was Rey Anthony. Now, I thought when I found him sitting with the rest of the members during the Commitment Test Meeting that June 2008, I would be able to really measure this walking potential and see what all the fuss is about. Last school year, when Rey lost over my charge, Vanessa Jane., the special science class students of our school went a bit mad. They had not counted on Vanessa Jane winning since she is not an SSC student. Besides, fluency wise, Vanessa is not as good as Rey. However, during that contest, Vanessa was the clear winner. Vanessa might not have Rey’s extensive vocabulary and speaking prowess as well as the debonair stage flair that would have clearly pinpointed him as No 1 guy, but Vanessa’s logical and critical thinking skills were fully operational. Whatever the case, I know that persistence would never let her down. Vanessa’s sharp logic pierced the empty hot air bubble that was Rey’s attempt at impromptu speaking. Vanessa’s mental tenacity has proved her a worthy contender…which is not really surprising. When Rey started speaking (I can recall the moment until now because I was so really into Vanessa back then), I grew quite cold. I almost despaired. But, when I heard what he had come up with, I was actually a bit shocked. Such a great speaker…and what happened to him. He could have won, I knew it.He could have defeated Vanessa so easily. He had it in him. I found out why, eventually. Rey is the most laid-back type of guy I had ever met. He always seems to want to have fun, enjoy the world and reach out to whatever appeals to him. I know there is a depth in the guy that he seems to conceal with his brash smile and swaggering maneuvers. I also sense a certain vulnerability in him which makes me wonder why he has to hide such sensitivity and soul. And why he felt that sense of lack of security in himself at times. The fact that he surrounds himself with friends like Katrina and Jayrick proves that he is like them in a way. I mean, what would attract him to Jayrick except for a similarity of spirit? The way they almost seem to sense what is on the others mind. The way they seem to communicate in a silent manner. The way they end each others sentences… Their kind of friendship has often made me wonder. He and Katrina are so alike in many ways, too. I often wonder at how attuned they are with each other mentally, and to think that they came from two opposing end of the sexual spectrum. (I listened to them talk one entire L300 trip from Iloilo to Passi). It sometimes spooks me, hearing them talk about things I only learned when I was already in college. I guess, it must be the environment. They are Special Science Class Students. This school year though, Rey bagged the award for the impromptu speech contest in the School Level Cultural Contest. He had Vanessa as one of the contenders again. Although I know he could have done better than he did (Vanessa could have done better herself…she is usually a very keen thinker, I do not know what happened). I guess Rey was in his element during the contest. He was also more humble than he was in the City Level. During the City Level, Rey simply swaggered up stage (If you get a hold of this kid, peace. I am just telling the truth…with a little bit of exaggeration, hehe). He was a bit too full of himself, which, I guess, clouded my judgment. He gave his answers well, yes, since he speaks well anyway. Unfortunately, he did not live up to his potential. He could have done better, I know. And I wanted to tell him so though I know it was not my place to do so. I was not able to resist giving him a piece of my mind after the contest. I mean, if he wanted to win the Congressional, he should not relax. He should make an effort to exploit his God-given gift and make use of his powers of self-possession. He should over train, over read and over practice. In competitions like the one he had to go through, there is no such thing as over practicing. What happened? I was not there so I could not form a valid opinion as to his performance. I would not say he did not win (technically speaking, he did not) because according to the boy, he was the biggest winner in that contest (he told me he met someone who could be the epitome of his dream girl, well, those were not his words exactly but, pareho lang da ). Rey is one smooth and suave operator. In fact, he has surprised me several times with the cool way he approaches new faces. Compared to my reserved approach towards strangers, seeing someone like him so open and so friendly has made me wonder (I am getting fond of the word wonder here). I could not help but be amused with the subtle and sometimes not so subtle way he introduces himself to others. Such a darling. I refused to think that he would end up like most of the seafarers I know. I mean, I do feel he would be wasted in such a career choice, but the seafaring option he had outlined for himself suits him. Rey is not the type who would want to be tied to stationary immovable things. But neither would he prefer to hold on to air or cloud-like matters that would unceremoniously float to nowhere. He would prefer riding on something that would take him places but would keep him anchored to something massive, stable and secure. I am happy that I was given the chance to observe this kid work his way out into the world. I have learned a lot from you, student. And someday, I might be able to follow your advice. Yes, would it not be great if I could just follow my heart and damn them all?