Nothing

What's left of me, once you take away everything else?

I just realized that this blog contains the everything else I have been referring to for a long, long time.

Indeed, what is left of me once you take away everything else? I was stripped off the compromised sense of self I created in order to survive this world in the first quarter of this year and most of my posts in between have been hollow cries of the scattered self concept I mistakenly built in the last 20 years or more of my existence.

So, what's left? Nothing. Really, there is nothing.

Aside from the knowledge that I am loved, deeply and completely, and unconditionally and irrevocably by the One who created all.And yes, I am completely, totally undeserving of that love. But that does not change His love.

So, how's that?

Dying Passion

Do you wonder why you feel so restless, so discontented with life lately?

You know that for the past three years, you have been quite happy with your job, your family, your so called spiritual growth. But there is this niggling feeling, this insistent thought at the back of your mind lately.

You wonder if this niggling feeling began several months ago when your mother refused to allow you to attend that Vocation Discernment seminar you have been invited to attend. The first peace you really felt was during a retreat with the Carmelite Missionaries last summer. Then, you were quite eager to really discern if something else is in your future.

Your mother fears that you might be compelled to do something she is not ready yet. And you agree with her on that. You may not be ready for anything else.

But the realization that something inside you seem to have expanded has started you. Yes, you are still young in the faith and yes, you still have a lot to go to and yes, there is still more out there but a thought bothers: that maybe you gave up on an opportunity to grow.

There is a hunger in your heart and you try to fill it in with the pictures and facts of this one cute professing Christian who plays a mean football. You try to convince yourself that you are happy watching others live the life you feel compelled to join in.

You find yourself growing bigger than your circumstances but your insecurities, your fears and doubts, your guilt, holds you back from completely and fully expanding.

And everyday, you teach, with the lack of passion and fervor you once felt. Because something inside is eating you, killing you day by day. You go through the motions but you no longer feel anything. It's just fear, doubt and guilt now. Your favorite companions in your life.

A Close Encounter : RI’s GSE Program

 

It’s not something that I personally planned on applying for. In fact, I had never seriously considered applying for any scholarship abroad since I already feel quite content and happy where I am now, thank you very much.  But a mentor, one who has helped guide my career, PP Dr. Helen P. Banez of the Rotary Club of Metro Passi, convinced us to apply for the GSE program of the Rotary Club.

The Rotary Club’s Group Study Exchange program (GSE) aims to immerse a team of four young professionals, ages 21-40 years old,  to different parts of the world. For a month or so, the said team members will experience what it is like to live as professionals in that said corner of the world. True to Rotary’s ideals, the said programs aims to promote goodwill and friendship among people.

After a Club screening and interview conducted last year, the four of us were ranked and sponsored by the RCMP for further screening. Dr. Banez personally made enquiries regarding the screening process and a year later, specifically last August, she told us to be ready because we will be having an interview with a panel in order to determine the representatives for three zones of the club.

RCMP was advised to choose only two representatives and Lorena, a fellow Mobile Teacher, and I prepared to take the journey.

It was something that caught me unprepared because my mind was then on other things. But, to cut the story, I qualified for the District Screening which was conducted yesterday at Bacolod City’s O Hotel.

The RCMP provided a financial assistance of P2,500. Dr. Banez urged me to checked-in at the hotel to reduce the pressure and stress from travelling to Bacolod City.

The interview itself was a nerve wracking endeavour and the questions were intellectually crafted in such a manner as to really test the mettle of the participants. Right after I finished the interview, I did sense that I would not qualify. For one, the 14 others who qualified for the District Interview were very much in the advanced levels of their career paths. They have Master’s Degrees and Docotorate degrees under their belts. There was a practicing physician from Roxas, a CPA from Roxas too, an Administrator or something from Zamboanga, a professor of langauges from Zamboanga, and others of the same caliber. There were also several teachers who made the list.

Here is the criteria used:

20% Knowledge of Profession

20% Knowledge of Country

20% Knowledge of Rotary

10% Personality, Appearance and Attitude

10% Leadership Abilities

It was an experience that opened my eyes to a lot of things. It made me understand that I still have a lot to learn, a lot to undertake in life. Oregon was a somewhat distant dream but it has opened my eyes to realizing so much about where I am right now, what is going on with my career,how and what I am as a Filipino and how I am about as a person socially moving in the world.

The Pope John Paul Tower

After the orientation on the LIS, a fellow Mobile Teacher and I decided to see some of the sights in Bacolod.

Unfortunately, the two of us were utter strangers in the area and we knew nobody. But we did know that SM City Bacolod just happens to be one ride away from the Bacolod Pavillon Hotel were we were staying.

So, Rochelle and I decided to go see SM City (snickers, we did know it will become a butt of joke later). We called a cab (nope, we called a trisikad) since it would take us quite a while to walk to SM City.

We were quite surprised at SM City Bacolod. It was just ... huge. It took us awhile to walk from the South Wing to the North Wing (since National Book Store is at the North Wing) and vice versa. I just bought several books and Zagu.

I was starting to think it was a wasted trip until my eyes caught this dazzling thing across the street from SM City.

What came to mind was Hiruma's Tower of Hell in Eyeshield 21. But no, it was actually memento built to commemorate Pope John Paul II's visit in Bacolod in 1981... and what a memento it was. I am referring to the Pope John Paul II Tower, an 8-storey grandiose showcase of architectural majesty overlooking the wharf of Bacolod City (err, I think so).

You only have to pay Php 20.00 to climb up to the top. It was fun. A lot of teenagers were "hanging out" in the premises. Students only had to pay Php5.00 anyway. If I lived there, I probably would have made a habit of climbing the tower every day. It was a really nice play to think and ponder things.

The Freedom Writers' Touch

I have just finished watching the Freedom Writers last night and it has made a radical and definite impact upon me.

What the teacher of Room 203 has done is unparalleled. We, teachers, keep seeing our job as something to do to earn that salary we need to support the life we live. We keep everything clean, organized and within their little compartments.

I admire those teachers who have the guts and the courage to challenge the system. To make it face its own inadequacy in catering to the real needs of people.

Filipino students are not like the students of Room 203. Nope. Our students are still nice and good and neat and decent and well-behaved. Those who have issues never make it into the schoolroom. At the most, they would spend a month or two in school and drop out of the system to return again next year and the next and the next.

And what do we feel once they leave our classrooms? Well, sometimes, it’s good if we discover they are gone. Then, we go sympathetic and sorry or sometimes self righteous and angry – but after talking about it with a colleague or two, we conveniently forget them.

Watching Freedom Writers has reinforced my belief that every learner counts and every learner matters. The system wants mass education for the masses, not really taking into account that each individual is special and unique. In college, our professors kept hammering and yammering on about individual differences. But, once you leave college, the system makes sure you get the chance to take not of individual differences during trainings and seminars – which is not often.

I am glad there is a teacher like  Ms. Gruwell showed that teachers can truly make a difference.

That movie also convinced me that for a teacher to really focus all her energies in teaching, she must not have a family. Gruwell’s husband divorced her because he wanted to live a life he does not feel bad about…that he cannot be a wife to her…Funny. Husbands expect wives to do that. Why can’t they give wives the same courtesy. It simply means sharing in each other’s life.

I have met several successful men who do that. When their wives have to go on trips, activities and all those things, the husbands come and show their support.

But then, it will only happen if you are quite lucky to have a husband who shares the same sentiments and beliefs you have.

What the teacher did was cool. What she did was show us that if we care, we can make a difference. Do we? Care, that is.

Daring to Dream

Six months ago, I stumbled upon a big dream. Yes, stumbled was the word because I have never envisioned that I would pursue such a dream.

My mother has trained me to become a very competitive person. I grew up constantly twirling on my toes in trying to fulfill her expectations- and she expected a lot from me.

When I was a kid, she wanted me to become a doctor. So I wanted to become one too. Then, I harbored dreams of becoming a singer. She helped me work out through the turmoil of such an ambition. Then, I discovered my love for writing. She also helped me through it and expected me to win first place in competitions (which I failed to satisfy). Then, came something we never agreed about: my reading obsession. I have always been a reader and my mother thinks that is a lazy man's pastime. She wanted me to go out and garden with her which I never really took a liking to.

But we're digressing here. Suffice it to say that my Nanay wanted me to become really successful in life. She wanted me to be the person she wanted to become before.

However, I entertained different dreams of my own. I wanted to become a romance novelist. I wanted to live in an isolated cottage on top of a mountain overlooking the sea. I wanted to live in total isolation with a dog, a fish in a bowl, an internet connection, a laptop computer and a lot of books (and can I have a fireplace please, plus snow on Christmas?).

Then, I started working as a teacher in a public school. I had dreams of becoming the strict, spinster English teacher who has a passion for her chosen profession. I wanted a car and a peaceful life with my students in a perfectly weird classroom in the morning and a quiet and peaceful home (alone of course) at night.

Now, I have the laptop, the teaching job, but not the peace and quiet (not with a bunch of sibling squabbling around the house).

However, a certain discontent came upon me. I did not know what it was. I had a meaningful job and I was getting paid doing it. I am an Alternative Learning System Mobile Teacher who teaches out-of-school youth, adults and nonliterates. I am making a difference in someone else's life. What could be wrong with me?

I saw and grabbed that very ambitious dream which I promptly let go when I joined the CFC-Singles for Christ last summer.

I thought Christ did not want me to be too ambitious....I mean, all those verses on humility and meekness. But, it was during those dream-filled days that I realized I had a purpose, a goal.

So what was wrong? 

I mistook being a Christian to being a doormat.

And I was wrong. 

Two weeks ago, I dusted out the dream I shelved and look at it at a Christians point-of-view. If I work on this dream with the sole selfish purpose of a twisted sense of self-aggrandizement, then it is nothing but a worldly dream.

But, if I reach for this dream with a Christian humble and meek spirit, it is a tool for something more: a selfless work for God's greater glory. 

The dream is a difficult one and requires so much work and effort. It needs a lot of self-control. It requires a lot of study in repose. It requires me to work and deal with people. I can no longer have the selfish isolation of a novelists cozy cottage. I can no longer have the quiet life of a spinster's solitary home. What I have is the demands of public service to the extreme. It will require me to do something I am not really good at - working with people.

But I like the purpose of the dream. I have that dream now. 

I dared to dream....and I stopped existing...I started living.

The Secret to Happiness

It was during a most unexpected place and time that I learned a significant tenet about life. This truth happened to be so simple that I have completely disregarded it. Until that day….

We were in the Conference Hall of the Mayor's Office, waiting for the members of the City Literacy Coordinating Council to arrive. As members of the CLCC Secretariat, we attend the meetings of the council to facilitate, record, note down, present and do other functions expected of us.

Thirty minutes before the scheduled start of that Special Meeting, our Supervisor, Mr. Paul Ligasan, pointed out an article from a national broadsheet. Mr. Ligasan, I have learned, reads the newspaper daily…and when I say daily, I mean daily.

He told us about the secrets to living a longer life. And one of them, according to Sir Paul, is to get married. I guess I happen to be one of those people who do not really think highly of marriage- at least, the kind of marriage that young people make these days. And when he said it, I pointed out that sometimes, marriage itself is the cause of the problem (I could not recall my exact words).

I could not really remember how the conversation progressed but I remember one thing that Sir Paul mentioned. He said that disappointments in a relationship, be it romantic or otherwise, usually happens only when you expect more from the other person.

You will only be disappointed if you ask the other person to give you something which he or she cannot give. I guess this one is right.

If there are no expectations, there are no disappointments. Sometimes, preconceived notions and ideas are dangerous in any endeavour or encounter. One is better off if one sticks with the cold, hard facts of the trade.

I learned my lesson I guess. And this lesson is being reinforced daily. Expectations = disappointments.

New Thoughts

I was under the impression that once you follow your schedule for the day, you would be able to claim, at the end pf the day, that you have done something.

23 days ago, I decided to do a personal experiment. I started a schedule of sorts that I have to follow for the whole day.In that schedule, my day begins at 3:00 AM. 30 minutes of the first part of the day would be spent on reflection and all that meditation hoopla. At 7:00 AM, my work day would begin and would end at exactly 11:00 AM. Lunch was expected to go on until 12:30. After that, my workday would continue until 5:00 PM. The period between 5:00 PM to 7:00 PM is for house chores and dinner and the kids (I have no kids, just a lot of younger brothers and sisters). 7:00 PM to 8:00 PM is for my so-called scholarly pursuits. 8:30 to 9:00 is set aside for reflections and prayer before bedtime, which is 9:00 PM.

I planned to follow this routine for two months. I heard that it takes a month or two to change old habits. I was a creature of ungoverned habits before. I do things when I feel like doing them. I don't do them when I forget them. And it is just so easy to forget a lot of things when you are preoccupied with too many thoughts and ideas at a time. Thank God I have ALS to pour most of my restless energy in.

Anyway, after 23 days, I realized and learned that I can only do four serious projects for a day. My creative juices will only allow me a maximum of one project per two hours and a break of an hour or thirty minutes. By project, I mean outputs like sessions guides, session materials, reports, and proposals and all that.

Without physical exertion, my mental brakes would start clamoring. My mind would start demanding for a meaningful pause in its struggle for the perfection.

Now, I no longer cling to that silly schedule. I decided to start living my life. (That was after watching 3 idiots.

Rancho said: Follow excellence and success will chase you. In everything I do nowadays, I only think about doing my best in whatever it is that I have to do.

I do not concern myself on perfection anymore. Perfection was the cause of my tendency to put off doing something.

Without that constant fear for imperfection and rejection, I started living. Every time I feel that I have erred, I just tell myself....All is well.

No, it does not solve my problem. But it gives me courage to face it.

Glad to Be of Service

Life is short. And as a mortal, I want to do a lot of things. This is not necessarily bad, but neither am I saying that it is good.

However, the plethora of things that I want to do is as varied as my unsorted emotions, hopes and aspiration. Every time I make an effort to think, I end up with a lot of drastic ideas skirting through and fro my confused brain.

For instance, when I wake up each morning, the only sure thing that I would is to make my cup of coffee for the day. After that, I would sit in front of my table, power up my laptop, play some songs for awhile while sipping my coffee and I would end up working on a project that first catches my attention.

I may or may not finish it but usually, I would just wallow around, think on and off, wander around ideas and projects, discard and open documents, obsessed myself with novels I have not read and before I knew it, it's already five in the morning and oh gosh, I have not prepared for my sessions for the day.

Then, I would turn off my laptop, start jotting down possible topics to discuss, search for materials, handouts and other references I may need...or I would end up turning on the laptop again, getting distracted over the ungainly sight of the wallpaper and then, while changing the desktop background, I would realize that I was supposed to print out the budgeted modules I have been working on...

After that, there would be that 15-minute race to get ready for work. Around 7:30, I would be ready or unready and on my way to the designated center for the day carrying a rather big bag of assorted materials, modules and unfinished notes and sometimes, even my laptop.

Like right now, I am supposed to attend an 8:00 AM session with my learners but here I am, at 7:08, working on this little composition for a blog I intend to post later... And at the same time, I am listening to DYVS and getting all distracted since I have not read my Bible in almost four weeks now.

Again, at the same time, I am also thinking that I need to study Karl Marx philosophy, read The Compassionate Teacher that is lying on the desk just beside me, and go through the stack of classic novels I have purchased recently but did not have time to read since I was too busy with nothing to bother with it. And then again, I am also thinking if an 18-page introduction to a source book Nanay and I are working on would be okay - the source book is but a compilation of all the notes she had gathered and used in her TLE 1 class...I am encoding them and adding more info from online sources...It's not a happy task for someone as hyper intellectual as I am (hehe), but it will have its reward, in Midway (yey).

Anyway, it is 7:12 AM and I really must start jotting down notes for todays sessions. Thank God for ready made PBEBI (Providing Basic Education to BJMP-PCDJ Inmates) Session Guides, I have my lecture notes for the session.... Tsk, now I am off to thinking about what new lessons to prepare for our PBEBI sessions and what topics to include. I also need to buy a class record (one was not available at DAFA Goods yesterday) and start encoding data of the learners profile as well as filing all their outputs together.

May utok is one big gual just right now. But it is fun, making oneself worthwhile. With all these, when will I ever have the time to write my IIS novels?

But then again, to quote Mae Sheilou Conserva, I am doing all this because it makes me feel "better". She's right. I did not realize it until she pointed it out to me...

Love and Other Drugs (My Life Version): Part 1

It's valentines day tomorrow and my post this time will be on romantic love.I know.I have never been in any romantic entanglements before. I am not ashamed to admit I have never had a boyfriend.

When it comes to talks about love life and such, I usually keep mum. But when asked, I am honest to say I never had one before. Yes, I love God, I love my family, I love books, I love reading, writing and teaching and I also love to sleep and eat but I have never had the romantic kind, since birth.

And then, questions would start pouring in (making me wish that I never said I never had a boyfriend in the first place).Old classmates from high school and college, colleagues, friends and other acquaintances predictably react in a similar manner.The questions would come and I would lightly respond with half-truths and witticisms and other happy, happy responses.

They would ask:
1. Why have you never had a boyfriend - ever?
Usual answer: (with a shrug and a self-deprecating grin) Look at me!
Answer with best friends: (with a shrug and a wistful smile) I am waiting for the right man for me.
Sarcastic Answer: Who needs men?

2. Did anyone every court you?
Honest answer: Nobody bothered.

3. Why? (I often ask myself why they have that follow-up question).
Usual Answer: Look at me (again). I have no illusions about my looks and I understand that men are attracted to attractive packages, that's why God designed women with all those characteristics which is not apparent in this (referring to my body) package.
Another answer: They are probably intimidated because I don't look approachable at all?Yep. Men are highly sensitive creatures and as such would not take too kindly to feeling inferior.
Honest Answer: I really do not know.

4. How does it feel to never have a boyfriend?
Usual answer: I don't mind at all.(a non-answer, I mean, look at the question)
Witty Answer: I really would not know the difference, would I?
Honest Answer: Sometimes, I feel sad because that's one thing in life that I have missed out on - sharing myself with another mortal who appreciates me not because of our blood relation but because of something else..

5. Do you want to have a boyfriend?
Honest answer: I don't know. It depends on the boyfriend.

6. What kind of boy are you attracted to?
Sometimes Answer: I prefer men over boys (I really would not know the difference).
Honest Answer: I think I would like to be with an intelligent and confident man who is sincere, honest, loyal,mature (not old, mentally mature)...and is centered in God.

7. You never really had a boyfriend?
Well, darn. I often wonder why they would not believe me. It is the truth. I have never had a boyfriend, not even thru text, chat, or any other correspondence. I am not a complete innocent (I read things a nice little girl is not supposed to read, you know), but as one co-teacher said when we were trying to beat each other over knowledge on the amorous arts, what I have is purely theoretical/technical knowledge with no application (and I quipped: Who am I going to practice it with?)

8. Do you wish you have one?
Honest answer: I don't know. I would not say I am absolutely happy with being single. But I would not say this is a sad state for me because to be honest, there really are a lot of things to do in life and I have a lot of responsibilities as the eldest in the family. The man I end up with must understand that there are things I have to do and one of them is to see my siblings settled well first. I would feel guilty if I could not do that because I have been selfish. But sometimes, every time I mention the possibility of having a boyfriend (just to sort of threaten my siblings so that they would study hard), they will just laugh at me and make jokes. Anyway, I am not the type who settles for something because it is convenient and at hand. When I fall in love, I know I would fall hard. Besides, I really am the loyal type and would love to marry my first boyfriend and make him the one and the only in my life (I am a romantic).

This one question was asked, for the first time, just last week. And it surprised me for I really had no inkling about it at all.

Ma'am Letlet: Ven, what if someone courts you now?
Me: (Laughed) Joke, ma'am.
Ma'am Letlet: Tuod. Remember before, I asked you about him.I texted if you know this guy. He was once your student.How would you feel if a student courts you?
Me: (Are you serious?)Haha..
Ma'am Letlet:Tuod, ven. He told me he was your student and I told him I know you. Kilala mo si <....>
Me: Yes, mam. He was, indeed, my student before. But you know the rules. No fraternizing between students and teachers.
Ma'am Letlet: Ti, he is not your student now. He said he wanted to court you but he is afraid to offend you. How would you feel if he did?
Me: (Smiles). It's nice to know someone finds me attractive enough to contemplate that but reall...he was once my student and he will always be my student. Sa mata ko, my students are my sons and daughters. I see them that way (because I may never have sons and daughters in this lifetime)...
Ma'am Letlet: What do you think about him? He is cute.
Me: I remember. I know him and I like the kid. He works hard but as far as romantic attachments...I have my standards.
Ma'am Letlet: Sometimes,we have to stoop down, settle, if we want to be happy.
Me: I don't want to settle, Ma'am. When I eventually have a boyfriend or marry, I want it to be with a man I honestly love. I do not do experiments. I know what I want when I see it. That was what I meant by standards. I am not looking for handsome, rich and etc. I want a man I can respect and love and share myself with...
Ma'am Letlet: (she said something about standards and choices which I did not really register)
Me: I have a crush, that's why. And I want my partner to be just like this guy...
(So the sharing began...but that is another story...)

I was flattered because that student found me attractive despite the package. I could say he probably liked the person he saw inside but I would not count on it. I have often had crushes on impressive teachers I met over the years but that emotion went only as far as that.

When it comes to my students, I am strict with the I do not fraternize code. My students are my children. I love them like my own kids because I share a lot of myself with them.

So this Valentines day will probably be spent eating fishballs, on my own.But, I will have it no other way, until the right man, the right time and the right moment comes.

But I will live a full-life so that if it never comes, I could still say, I have had no regrets...

The Human Worth Scale and the God-Shaped Hole in Us

In this day and age, a person's worth is usually measured in several ways. People value someone because of certain characteristics and contributions that she took pains to hone in order to feel worthy, happy, fulfilled and satisfied with her lot on earth.

Who would have bothered remembering the gay tutor turned playwright (Shakespeare), the drunkard author who died of rabies (Poe), the spinster lady in white who lived in isolation (Dickinson), the painter who cut off his ear (Van Gogh), or the drama behind a depressed college drop out who went out to connect the whole world with the product of his depression (Zuckerberg). What do we care about them if they did not do what they have done?

A person is usually deemed worthy because of his so-called contribution to human progress...

For instance, a person is worthy because she is decorative. She has all the pretty, frilly outer accoutrements that could please and satisfy the eye, make trends possible, break and create fashion rules, and make wealth a little bit more palatable. External worth pays a lot. Models, actors and actresses, celebrities make billions because of this.

Another way to measure a person's worth is through his intelligence. The intellectual scale also pays a lot. The magnitude of the changes that occurred on earth was caused by the mental marathons of geniuses who made technology, industrialization and modernization possible. The things we take for granted nowadays are things people had to do without before. But, because of the need to feel satisfaction over life, the need to fill up the emptiness, computers were made, the internet started linking people all over the world, and facebook made face to face conversation unnecessary.

A person may also be deemed worthy if he can provide an emotional crutch to emotionally-limping beings. Therapists, Oprah, self-help gurus, new age wonders, meditation and yoga instructors have all made much over the previous decade. Who would have thought that in our dire circumstances, we would turn to wonder advisors for help and assistance, mere mortals that they are.

Then, we also have to count that really talented people who made art the measure of their worth. Before they became known as artists, they were crazy, ruined beings who were floating through life's existence like nothing really matters. Art became a crutch to make life bearable and at times, even possible. Now, man's art history is cluttered with the creations of madmen, social pariahs, and empty husks who lost their souls in search for its immortality.

How about the saintly one's who gave up their lives in their fight for something? The warrior who fought against invading barbarians to protect his tribe, the soldier who gave up his life to save that of others, the hero who started an uprising to free his country, the maiden who donned battle arms to fight the wars of men, the women who took women's right to the fore, making a pseudo semblance of equality possible...What of these warriors who went down human history and made names in bold, blood red ink?

They were all known, made worthy, remembered because they have done something out of their lives. Their very lives were celebrated, their very esteem lifted, and the very frailty of their characters were reduced into flaws which makes them adorably human.

We feel pride to know that we are related to them. We feel a bursting song in our chest everytime we think of how they have overcome human frailty and made man triumph over time.

But have they really?

What does it profit a man to gain the whole world if he looses his own soul. The Bible says.

There is a god-shaped hole in all of us. It was created to make us crave Him above all else. In our desperation, we have filled it with our own sense of self-importance and worth.

We die feeling pseudo satisfaction but never really satisfied. The feeling of being used permeates us and we wonder: "Will I be unloved, unnoticed if I did not have what I had to be useful to these people who say they value me?"

That's the funny thing about our conceptions of self-worth. It does not come from the self. It comes from others. We reflect the worth they tag us with and we feel miserable, never really realizing that someone out there loves us for who and what we are, broken beings that we really are.

His love is all that counts, all that matters, all that we need to fill that awfully, big-shaped hole that nothing can really ever fill...

It Ends Tonight

It's over now.

Lost Connections

Despite all assurances to the opposite, I feel so lost.

My job is consuming all my thoughts now, and not because I am busy...but more because of guilt. I do not feel like I am performing as I should and that is eating me out...creating more guilt and making me feel more inept and useless.

The real problem is my incapacity to connect with people outside my close knit circle. I only have a very small number of learners because of that ineptitude.

I know I should not start the year with such recriminations but I can't help posting something like this.

I feel bad and I need help... I am not happy with this job and it is a very good job.

As I am writing this, a realization dawned upon me. I keep seeing this as a job and not as a mission. I do not want to sound pretentious but I never saw this as anything other than a job I have to finish - and because I am essentially not that type of person (because I always go further than the set distance), I never seem to finish it.

Because I expect more from myself.

Now, I am erasing all those expectations. I am removing myself from the schedules and deadlines I have set and instead, I would focus more on the heart of the matter: the learners. I will not count the number but I will count them as persons who need my help and by doing my job I am reaching out for them.

Another problem comes into mind though... Most of my target learners are not interested...so, I tell myself...some are.

I will take on this job. I will love it. I will dedicate my whole year to it. And I will offer the fruits of my work to God, my boss.

Life is short. We seldom get opportunities like the one I am wasting right now. The day is just beginning but I have to prepare for tomorrow's adventure - not work, but adventure...and mission.

This is where life has led me so far. And this is where God has planted me to grow...the elements are but there to help me grow.

2010 at a Glance

2010 has been a very challenging year for me. Tomorrow is supposed to be the last day of 2010 and I feel a little overwhelmed about the coming new year.

I started 2010 with a whimper, I know. I did not want to wake up on the new year and I did not bother to write on my new diary.

That is why I probably lost that diary over the piles of my old ones. In fact, I could not clearly remember how I spend my new year.

I don't want to forget this one though. I want it to be different this time.

January marked a lot of changes in my life. I resigned from my Local School Board Post and applied for a new job - that of being a Mobile Teacher for ALS.

I could not wait to get started. The first quarter saw me traipsing back and forth Passi City and Salngan. I was immature and I was very excited but I was also very lost and confused.

Summer was spent at WVSU for my Master's Degree. Nothing much there except I was not very attentive with my classes as I was once. I guess the career shift has made an impact in my life.

Bu June, things were picking up. I was made to do things I did not expect. Things I considered totally out of my league: like helping prepare plans and such - which I did not get to do much of before.

I also had to present in front of the Local School Board and the newly elected City Mayor at one time. Then, we also had to present about our programs and projects to all the Punong Barangay in the different barangays of the city.

I also had my first, official out of town trip - to Baguio nonetheless to attend the National Literacy Conference and Awards at Teachers Camp. I had my first airplane ride, my first view of Manila and then, Baguio. I loved the trip.

After Baguio, I felt I could take on anything. I have never been that far away from home before. Although I was with my boss at that time, it still felt cool to actually be doing things on your own.

Then, there was the Cebu seminar on the use of the ALS eManual at DepEd Ecotech. It was enlightening. And I went to Cebu all alone and even made the strange taxi ride from Mactan International Airport to Cebu City on my own.

That day, I learned I could do a lot of things even when I am alone. It annoyed my mother that I actually forgot to send a text message to my mother telling her that I have arrived at DepEd Ecotech Cebu. Well, I actually fell asleep and woke up at 3PM. It was a tiring trip!

BY November, I managed to procure a laptop which will keep in debt for a year, I guess, but still, little Acer is a good partner in crime. I am afraid I am spending a little too much time with him plotting and researching and reading like crazy... Sigh, I love those ebooks.

By December, I was able to help organize our participation in the Alumni Homecoming of our school. It was a new experience for me because I usually avoid reunions and such. The only reunions I attend were those of SILAK,the Official Publication of the College of Education of West Visayas State University (God, I missed saying that!).

It was an unforgettable year because of so many new things for me. The changes in my life and in my career has allowed for a glimpse of the me I never saw before - the person who can actually adapt to life and others. Oh, there were moments when I preferred hiding in my room than facing the outside world but I only have to ask for God's guidance and I managed to pry myself away from the proverbial chair.

The only things I missed this year are: a) family reunions , b) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, c)The Chronicles of Narnia 3 (what was the title again?), d)a love life, e) Teaching English and Literacture, f ) teaching inside a classroom and, g)Silak Reunion (something happened to stop me from going).

I hope to make it next year though. I don't mind the absence of a love life because I still have so many responsibilities to see to. I still miss teaching English and Literature though. I miss the challenge and sometimes, I feel the need to study and teach the subjects eating me inside out. It has become a craving of my soul to walk into a classroom and teach oridnary high school students about the beauty and the wonder of the written word especially those in such a beautiful language as English...

Once a teacher, always a teacher...No one can take my heart away from that first love and longing and so, I will always long for that...

Anyway, another year is coming to a close...I hope to welcome the 1st day of January in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Eleven with a clean slate...

A blessed new year for everyone...

Renewal

Should I call this an untitled first?

Nah...ever since I left the classroom, I had not posted anything...probably because I wanted to savor the carefree life of a person who wanted to see the rest of the world..

And am I seeing the world? You bet...

I am a changed person now and I have learned a lot about myself, what I really wanted and what would make me happy. This is very essential.

This will pave the way for the sharing of self that is beyond what I thought I was capable of.

Am I happy? I am as happy as I let myself be...so, yeah...I just gave myself the permission to be happy.

My job is a difficult and demanding one despite the ease in pressure...but it is teaching me things that I never really expected to learn in this lifetime.

I feel blessed that I was given this chance after all...and anyway, I am still working on that novel...i just uploaded a novel writing software last month and I hope it will help.

The Start of the End.

This is it.
I am about to let go of the ties that once held me secure but have now become bindings, holding me from soaring towards my destiny.
This is it.
I am about to lift up tattered wings that I never once spread.
This is it.
I will soar up the heavens and reach out for my dreams.
This is it...
The Start of the End.

Hey, that is not a poem. Just an expression of the curious mix of emotions I have inside. Waaaah. I want to cry. I want to laugh.I want to scream. I want to tear my eyes out. I want to vomit. Basta. I cannot totally explain what i feel. This is it lang, a.

Silver Linings and Tears

He was my boyfriend for three years.

I loved him with all my heart and I gave my everything. I even stayed up late for him, spent money for him, sold my soul for him.

I did everything...

And like a crazy girlfriend, I waited and waited for his offer of commitment...something that would tie him to me or me to him for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately. he was reluctant to offer me anything. Not even remotely close to the asurance that I expect from him after everything else.

I guess, I got tired of all the empty promises and behind his back, I entered into another liaison. One that would end what we have forever...

Yes, I am only talking about my job as a teacher at this school.

The papers have been submitted, I was unofficially accepted...

I am just waiting for them to make it official.

By the way, I discovered a really cool modern Indian fairy tale: Marigold. I absolutely adored it...