Nothing

What's left of me, once you take away everything else?

I just realized that this blog contains the everything else I have been referring to for a long, long time.

Indeed, what is left of me once you take away everything else? I was stripped off the compromised sense of self I created in order to survive this world in the first quarter of this year and most of my posts in between have been hollow cries of the scattered self concept I mistakenly built in the last 20 years or more of my existence.

So, what's left? Nothing. Really, there is nothing.

Aside from the knowledge that I am loved, deeply and completely, and unconditionally and irrevocably by the One who created all.And yes, I am completely, totally undeserving of that love. But that does not change His love.

So, how's that?

A Close Encounter : RI’s GSE Program

 

It’s not something that I personally planned on applying for. In fact, I had never seriously considered applying for any scholarship abroad since I already feel quite content and happy where I am now, thank you very much.  But a mentor, one who has helped guide my career, PP Dr. Helen P. Banez of the Rotary Club of Metro Passi, convinced us to apply for the GSE program of the Rotary Club.

The Rotary Club’s Group Study Exchange program (GSE) aims to immerse a team of four young professionals, ages 21-40 years old,  to different parts of the world. For a month or so, the said team members will experience what it is like to live as professionals in that said corner of the world. True to Rotary’s ideals, the said programs aims to promote goodwill and friendship among people.

After a Club screening and interview conducted last year, the four of us were ranked and sponsored by the RCMP for further screening. Dr. Banez personally made enquiries regarding the screening process and a year later, specifically last August, she told us to be ready because we will be having an interview with a panel in order to determine the representatives for three zones of the club.

RCMP was advised to choose only two representatives and Lorena, a fellow Mobile Teacher, and I prepared to take the journey.

It was something that caught me unprepared because my mind was then on other things. But, to cut the story, I qualified for the District Screening which was conducted yesterday at Bacolod City’s O Hotel.

The RCMP provided a financial assistance of P2,500. Dr. Banez urged me to checked-in at the hotel to reduce the pressure and stress from travelling to Bacolod City.

The interview itself was a nerve wracking endeavour and the questions were intellectually crafted in such a manner as to really test the mettle of the participants. Right after I finished the interview, I did sense that I would not qualify. For one, the 14 others who qualified for the District Interview were very much in the advanced levels of their career paths. They have Master’s Degrees and Docotorate degrees under their belts. There was a practicing physician from Roxas, a CPA from Roxas too, an Administrator or something from Zamboanga, a professor of langauges from Zamboanga, and others of the same caliber. There were also several teachers who made the list.

Here is the criteria used:

20% Knowledge of Profession

20% Knowledge of Country

20% Knowledge of Rotary

10% Personality, Appearance and Attitude

10% Leadership Abilities

It was an experience that opened my eyes to a lot of things. It made me understand that I still have a lot to learn, a lot to undertake in life. Oregon was a somewhat distant dream but it has opened my eyes to realizing so much about where I am right now, what is going on with my career,how and what I am as a Filipino and how I am about as a person socially moving in the world.

Broken Fairy Tales

As a person of limited means and experience, I tried to make up for any gaps in my knowledge vault by reading too much. For more than 20 years now, I have been a very indiscriminate reader. I read anything I can get my hands on. (I stop at personal journals, unless they are my students' required outputs).

 I often get in trouble because of the stuff I read. I have made my readings my escape. I even managed to let a huge part of my life simply pass by because of my preoccupation with reading.I read too much, they say. I have grown fat, and awfully proud because I read too much...

True. Reading materials were my safety net in a crumbling world, and true, my world was crumbling. With books as foundation, what did I expect?

My family has come and gone and I only appreciated what it was like to have a complete family until I lost it. Pretty baffling huh?

Three of my grandparents passed away and I have not had a healthy and meaningful relationship because, even while visiting, I would hide with a book.Escape.

I have been preoccupied with my world, and with my self and with my fairytales that never really came true in real life.

In real life things were like this. I did not like how reality was so I escaped. And now, I have broken bits of fairy tales that will never come true anymore.

Reading was a safe adventure. You cry but you really do not get hurt, you care about the characters but you do not have to sacrifice anything to show you care. When you cannot face problems at work and at home, a book is always a good thing to escape to.

But I do not want to live life thru other peoples eyes anymore. I no longer want to smell roses thru the books, and feel the pain of heart ache thru the cries of the characters. I want to live my broken fairy tales now.

And a life beautifully lived is not focus on the self. I think I learned this one today...I want to live.