Lost Connections

Despite all assurances to the opposite, I feel so lost.

My job is consuming all my thoughts now, and not because I am busy...but more because of guilt. I do not feel like I am performing as I should and that is eating me out...creating more guilt and making me feel more inept and useless.

The real problem is my incapacity to connect with people outside my close knit circle. I only have a very small number of learners because of that ineptitude.

I know I should not start the year with such recriminations but I can't help posting something like this.

I feel bad and I need help... I am not happy with this job and it is a very good job.

As I am writing this, a realization dawned upon me. I keep seeing this as a job and not as a mission. I do not want to sound pretentious but I never saw this as anything other than a job I have to finish - and because I am essentially not that type of person (because I always go further than the set distance), I never seem to finish it.

Because I expect more from myself.

Now, I am erasing all those expectations. I am removing myself from the schedules and deadlines I have set and instead, I would focus more on the heart of the matter: the learners. I will not count the number but I will count them as persons who need my help and by doing my job I am reaching out for them.

Another problem comes into mind though... Most of my target learners are not interested...so, I tell myself...some are.

I will take on this job. I will love it. I will dedicate my whole year to it. And I will offer the fruits of my work to God, my boss.

Life is short. We seldom get opportunities like the one I am wasting right now. The day is just beginning but I have to prepare for tomorrow's adventure - not work, but adventure...and mission.

This is where life has led me so far. And this is where God has planted me to grow...the elements are but there to help me grow.