Misuderstood

July 13, 2009: 7:12 PM
Now Playing: Leave out All the Rest

Story of my life, I guess.

Nobody really understood why I do what I do. I myself cannot understand why I do what I do. All I know is I have accepted it and I want to do it, darn it.

My mother and I had an argument just awhile ago about my involvement in the Debate Society. She said what I do is useless, I don’t get recognized anyway so its all a pointless exercise.

I got angry with her. I told her that I am not like them and others who only see the here and now. I do see the here and now, but I am always looking forward to the future.

I also told her that unlike her and other people here in this damned place, I hear the beat of a different drum; I just can’t completely march to it without hurting their feelings.

A lot of people have never understood me. I make an effort to understand them, get to the bottom of the act and try to understand why they do what they do. That is why I am not as easily angered as I was before. I always make an effort to make allowances.

Others could not seem to understand why I give my salary to my mother and why I do not reserve things for myself. Because for me, it does not really matter. Because for me, my reason for working and for staying here, at this school, is to help my mother.

Because if that was not my motive in the first place, I would not have stayed here. Not after three years.

God, life is so damn painful sometimes. I’m sitting here hurting and my sister is over there listening to music like she has no problem at all. I wanted to share, but their reaction makes me feel like my problem is not worth listening at all, so I just keep quiet. Keep all these to myself. Because in the end, whatever I say, no matter what I do, no one would really understand.

I would just feel cheap if I share these things and no one gives it as much importance as I do.

People like me are rarely found in this place, that is why I find it difficult to easily share my thoughts to anyone.

My mother only wants me to worry with her about my siblings and where to get the allowance for the next day. I really cant share my thoughts with her, the things that I believe in, all the things that matter to me because they don’t mean anything to her.

It is so difficult. Not having anyone to just be there and sympathize with you. I have been feeling depressed lately. I’m becoming suicidal again, I guess.

Something is eating me up inside. And I don’t know what to do with it.