The Pope John Paul Tower

After the orientation on the LIS, a fellow Mobile Teacher and I decided to see some of the sights in Bacolod.

Unfortunately, the two of us were utter strangers in the area and we knew nobody. But we did know that SM City Bacolod just happens to be one ride away from the Bacolod Pavillon Hotel were we were staying.

So, Rochelle and I decided to go see SM City (snickers, we did know it will become a butt of joke later). We called a cab (nope, we called a trisikad) since it would take us quite a while to walk to SM City.

We were quite surprised at SM City Bacolod. It was just ... huge. It took us awhile to walk from the South Wing to the North Wing (since National Book Store is at the North Wing) and vice versa. I just bought several books and Zagu.

I was starting to think it was a wasted trip until my eyes caught this dazzling thing across the street from SM City.

What came to mind was Hiruma's Tower of Hell in Eyeshield 21. But no, it was actually memento built to commemorate Pope John Paul II's visit in Bacolod in 1981... and what a memento it was. I am referring to the Pope John Paul II Tower, an 8-storey grandiose showcase of architectural majesty overlooking the wharf of Bacolod City (err, I think so).

You only have to pay Php 20.00 to climb up to the top. It was fun. A lot of teenagers were "hanging out" in the premises. Students only had to pay Php5.00 anyway. If I lived there, I probably would have made a habit of climbing the tower every day. It was a really nice play to think and ponder things.

Broken Fairy Tales

As a person of limited means and experience, I tried to make up for any gaps in my knowledge vault by reading too much. For more than 20 years now, I have been a very indiscriminate reader. I read anything I can get my hands on. (I stop at personal journals, unless they are my students' required outputs).

 I often get in trouble because of the stuff I read. I have made my readings my escape. I even managed to let a huge part of my life simply pass by because of my preoccupation with reading.I read too much, they say. I have grown fat, and awfully proud because I read too much...

True. Reading materials were my safety net in a crumbling world, and true, my world was crumbling. With books as foundation, what did I expect?

My family has come and gone and I only appreciated what it was like to have a complete family until I lost it. Pretty baffling huh?

Three of my grandparents passed away and I have not had a healthy and meaningful relationship because, even while visiting, I would hide with a book.Escape.

I have been preoccupied with my world, and with my self and with my fairytales that never really came true in real life.

In real life things were like this. I did not like how reality was so I escaped. And now, I have broken bits of fairy tales that will never come true anymore.

Reading was a safe adventure. You cry but you really do not get hurt, you care about the characters but you do not have to sacrifice anything to show you care. When you cannot face problems at work and at home, a book is always a good thing to escape to.

But I do not want to live life thru other peoples eyes anymore. I no longer want to smell roses thru the books, and feel the pain of heart ache thru the cries of the characters. I want to live my broken fairy tales now.

And a life beautifully lived is not focus on the self. I think I learned this one today...I want to live.

Figuring it Out

Caught in between Betty and Hosea's Wife.

Wanna go back to being "Faithful" (if I ever was)...

(Brooke Fraser mode)...

I could not seem to find the right words to express what I am going through right now. It has been a while since I left. I guess whatever supplies I had is close to depletion and I am floundering. Yes, I wanna go back but it seems I lost my map and I could not find the way back...

So in the night, I lie awake, wondering...playing songs all over again...because it's quite lonely in the silence.

She's Writing Now

She is writing now. Because she needs the money, she is going to write crappy romance novels that she no longer feels like writing.

Time Out

I am mentally spacing out so I need to back off from things for a while. I just want something to change. But I am now afraid of the words that come from me.

Worldly Heaven: Blindly Groping in the Dark

I think I have been derailed. 

When you think you understand and "see", that is when you are deluding yourself the most.

Blame me for thinking I was spiritually superior than others simply because of the strange sense of enlightenment that filled me. It was troubling then to suddenly find myself in the dark, blindly groping my way out of the muck that I stumbled upon.

Nothing helped. God seemed silent. I can no longer comprehend the meaning of the things I see and the words I read... I was just a regular lost kid in the block and no one is there to help me find my way.

But I was not faithful in His silence. I was not faithful during the test and I feel like I failed. 

I saw how sinful, and proud I am. I saw how evil my heart truly is and I cringe every time  I recall how I talk about godly things like I know everything.

I learned that I cannot trust myself. I discovered that in times of great temptation, I can easily succumb to the lures of evil. I learned how half-hearted my surrender is and I saw how truly, truly disappointing I am in God's sight (and I have a feeling that I am worst than this after all).

I have been unChristian. I have been filled with the spirit of the flesh and the pride of accomplishment thinking that the clarity and the sense that I have learned actually came from my own mind.I have been judgmental. I thought what I was doing was good...truly, out of the richness of the heart, the mouth speaks.

My heart was filled, richly, with judgment, with pride...and thus, I have spoken. I have apologized but I can never make the wrong thing right again.

And it is with deep shame and guilt that I come forward, praying for God's forgiveness, more shamed than ever in the knowledge that no matter what I do, I will be forgiven, always accepted and forgiven and loved - even in my darkest.

And I wonder now, how can I ever love Him in the way He loves me?

Lord, give me a loving heart so that I will lovingly obey all Your statutes for the rest of my life.

JESUS Centered

Change in direction. Change in course. Little by little, my little frigate is moving where it is supposed to go.
This may be the end for this blog.

The search for self has not ended. It still continues.

But it cannot be anchored upon this world any longer - and that makes this particular blog redundant. I have another blog. Check The Seeker for another kind of walk...