An All New Kind of Pain

I told myself I have recovered from the imaginary battering my heart has taken for over two years now.

I said I only needed an honest half-day rest.

Really? I guess, a day later, everything has sort of backfired. A rest is not enough. I wanted to leave, right now, this afternoon, today, this very month.

But, I know I cannot.

All this school-community thing sickens me. It only makes me realize that I do not really fit in.

I escaped the meeting. I never realized that I do not need meetings to remind me that I do not belong. I just have to follow that call.

That call, however, is so vague now. It has receded because I declined it. Because I have refused to think of anything else except to serve my beloved Alma Mater. Now, the thing I want most is the things that hurts me most.

So much for love and loving what you do.

A student asked me why I looked so preoccupied. I told her I was thinking. Then, she asked what I was thinking about. I cannot answer. Because I was not really thinking.

I was just so lost inside my own head, so out of touch from the reality I am in, so craving for things that are not mine and are not here.

Something’s eating me. It has been bugging me for a long while that I had started calling it my very own personal WORM.