A Fat Girls Dreams

I am fat. That is the one obvious thing about me everyone will see at the outset of a meeting.

I don’t know what goes in the head of the rest of the world and I don’t know what goes on in mine at the time of a meeting but its usually “Oh, can’t we just get over this?’

It is pretty difficult, being fat I mean.

In fact, being fat is actually the most impossible situation a woman could be in.

Let me tell you about what I think about myself being fat:

I have insecurity issues. A bunch of them. Being fat has made me felts inadequate and too shy and just too aloof and a bit uncaring about my looks.It also made me defensive and a little bit impossible to live with at times.
Because of that, I have automatically armored myself with certain unbreachable mechanisms to protect myself from rejections. People who really do not know me well see me as a little bit standoffish and snobbish at times.
Aside from that, I became too much of a mental kind of girl. I went overboard with trying hard to be everything in the brains department.

The only time I was able to honestly engage a man’s attention was when I was chatting through YM.

I guess I became a little spontaneous and flirty in real time. I had a long time chat mate, an Indian guy who is about 28 years old.

I told him I was fat, upfront. And I told him I was not after any romantic involvement. I mean,I just wanted to chat awith a guy, I don’t get to talk to interesting guys in my work.

Guys never throw me a second glance. They would flock around other girls who are more… never mind. All I could offer a guy is interesting conversation (and some wonky criticism if the mood strikes me). I guess, I really fall short of entertaining and fun.

I never had anyone interested in me. No one ever paid me any more attention than maybe to ask what time is it or whether I have an assignment for the next class or so or …

Well, there was one swell kid back in college, a political science major who was probably bowled over by my intelligence . I mean, id like to think so, since he was my classmate in a Philosophy class and he never really paid me enough attention until my report where they (his other polsci classmates) ganged up on me, intent on destroying my cool with their probing questions. The class discussion went a bit mad then since everyone got so involved arguing over things I was merely pointing out at first. Thinsg which they questioned and I defended with my usual fire (which only comes out when I get to talk about things I am passionate about).
At the end of the class, he went up to me to apologize saying that he hoped I did not take his questioning personally since he just wanted to blah-blah (I went frosty mode again, I mean he is an equally interesting creature and I did not want to fall so I need my block in palce). I told him it was fine and that I understood.
But, when it was his time to report, he kept looking at me for confirmation. It made me feel a little bit odd and on the spot (since a classmate was a little bit taken with him too), so I went out to buy a coke and pass the rest of the class in the canteen (like I usually do).
When I returned., the class has thankfully ended and I was free to “lock and load”.