What I Wanted and Several Disjointed Thoughts

We would like to express our outmost and heartfelt gratitude to the selfless assistance that everybody has extended to us to make this venture possible. To the Passi City Local Government for lending the ordinances, to our donors for the inherent charity, to the teachers for their valuable advice and cooperation and most of all, to God for, guiding and lighting our way. May Your will be done and may we be purveyors of Your wisdom.

Every small job, if done well, means a lot.
- from Bee Movie

This is what I wanted to post on a programme I was preparing for a school activity.

Oh, yes. I do know I sound pretentious. When my supervisor read it, I was almost sure he cringed at what I wrote. Well, the worldly me did squirm.

I mean, it was so coreless and so lame and so unliterary. I was trying to overwhelm my readers with hair-raising, nerve-wracking and spine-tingling adjectives. Yeah, definitely ewe material.

I can’t help it, eh.

Somehow, I wanted to offer all the work I did for this program to God because He made it all possible and I wanted to make it more meaningful. I also wanted to do something for Him because He gave everything to me.

(Sigh) I shouldn’t have gone into teaching. I mean, teaching is fine but the monetary value that the government gives to all the works I do everyday of my life confounds the entire issue about this mission thing.

When I was in college, I did see teaching as a lifetime mission. Something I would do not because of the money it entails but because of what I could give and share to others.

But, when your on the job, everything gets distorted.

My D’Club babies were muttering about all the things they have to do for class.

I wanted to laugh. Hehe. (I laughed!)

That is not yet the tip of the iceberg guys. You are only seeing the tippest top of the tip. (Whatever that means).

When you get to college, things will get more difficult (but more fun especially if you were able to pick a college tailor-made to your needs and your personality). When you graduate (if you do graduate, that is), things will go downhill steadily (unless you jump down a ten-storey building first).

A job is not exactly what other people color it to be. The real world is a bitter place to live in. Because by the time you leave college, your parents will no longer be obliged to protect you from the harsher realities of life and living.

And there is no one to turn to.

No one except God.

I know how it feels to be abandoned and to be ignored and to be embarrassed. I know how it feels to fail, to lose hope in someone, to be disillusioned and to be let down by the people you expect to lift you up.

I also know how it feels to be hated, be misunderstood, be blamed. I almost went crazy once because of severe disillusionments. I contemplated suicide several times (not good and definitely not advisable) just to get even with the people who let you down never really realizing that you are committing the most sacrilegious act of all-letting yourself down.

I know how success felt, how triumph tasted, and how to be on the edge of a cliff with your fingers almost touching the balloon of your dreams only to feel a soft wind blow it away from you just when you loose your footing and down you go.

But all throughout those dark and ugly days of my life, God was there. Blessing me daily. Never letting my hand go.

Did I fell from the cliff trying to reach my dreams? No. Down I went but his strong hold on me held me back. Back into the haven of His arms, His protection, his unconditional love.

God’s love is unconditional. He is always there and He never lives you. He does not just lay in wait to get your next salary and disappear when You need Him most. He shares your darkest hours, allows you to run loose awhile to give you time to realize that your pursuits are actually pointless without Him.

Success has always left me feeling empty and hollow. Unfulfilled.

Now, I know why that is so.

I felt hollow because I only succeeded in terms of the worlds standards but I did not reached Gods higher plane and definition of success.

What I do for the club is a response for the worldly need to be loved and accepted. That is why when I did not feel loved and accepted, when the craving was not satiated, I felt dispirited. Now, the drive is different.

I want to offer everything I do to God… whatever it is. My teaching, my debating club works, ALS, my everyday work.

I feel the longing to do something for God not because He needs me to do something for him. Not even because I have to, to make Him love me. Whatever I do or not do, He would love me and that would never change.

But, I wanted to do it because I want to show Him I love Him too.

That is why I am contemplating becoming a nun.

Several teachers made the comment that I just might qualify for it. Even my own mother made derisive remarks about my nunnish tendencies. I can’t blame being reticent, reserved and nun-like. Yes, I like wearing long skirts, what is wrong with that. I also wear pants anyway.

Yes, I like being covered from head to foot, so what? I just don’t see myself as a cheap commodity for everybody’s consumption (but being fat makes clothes selection difficult). I like staying at home… going out is expensive and I have compulsive buying tendencies. I never had a boyfriend. So? I read pocketbooks, romance novels with scintillating sex scenes and several erotica (yup, several by Ann Rice, actually, though I would love to collect Anais Nin’s work). I even have a membership in a black forum which has a portion for rated literature (it had an ugly effect on my senses, honestly).

By the way, reading porno lit from that forum made me realize how sin can actually affect ones relationship with God. It makes you feel that you have sinned and thus is not worthy to come in contact with anything holy, thus creating the distance between you and God.

It was an ugly existence and every time I am tempted to open my porno vault (I still have them, hehe) I beg God to help me, to never let me go.

I have just renewed my relationship with Him and the world makes it difficult to do keep it. I love God. I do not want to hurt Him but I know I hurt Him everytime I succumb to the temptation to open my P vault, scream at my siblings, hate my mother, backstab some friends, hate myself, and indulge in suicidal fantasies…

Yes. The world makes Godly contact difficult with UFO issues, evolutionism, hedonism, materialism, the internet, CD’s and DVD’s . Now, I understand why they are called the tools of the devil.