The Raving Lunatic

Brain: What do you want? Adulation?
Me: Not exactly…
Brain: huh?
Me: (eyebrows raised)
Brain: Go. Grovel, beg. Make them worship you.
Me: (frown)
Brain: Of course I know. I know you well. (sniggers and looks mocking)
Me: (turns away)

What do you do when confronted with the truth?

Ako? Well, I usually give the truth-teller a confused stare and leave as fast as I could. But, when it is yourself who reveals the truth, what do you do?

Ako? (again) I go to the Adoration chapel and ask God to help me.

Well, yeah. God does not answer me back, but it does make me feel a little bit better knowing I can whine and cry and blame God for awhile.

Anyway, I do feel bad just about now. Why?

Every earthly thing I did keeps haunting me. And in the end, I realized, I got nothing out of all the things I did. And that makes me feel really bad.

I gave up the things I have always wanted to do because I did the things which I have to do for others.

And what did the others have to say afterwards? Thank you? Good job plus a pat on the back or head (as if I were an attention-hungry dog).And then, another can you do this for me….

Makes me feel tired….

Bitter…

A little bit angry…

…And disillusioned…

And now, where are the others? Gone with the wind I guess. They have already forgotten me.

I guess, I am going to get absolutely selfish next year. It is going to be me, me and more me… and maybe God.

God never leaves you alone. He is there, always. Sometimes, the fact that you are aware of his presence, that he is watching, makes doing odd things a little bit eerie, weird. It makes you feel conscious.

I guess, I was right to say that in every event in our life, all we really have are memories. And sometimes, memories can be taken away.

How sad.

I know when I reread this blog in the future; I would smile and think, I was like this before. When I was too young, not mature enough and bloody self-centered and selfish.

I am not mad with the world. No. I am just a little bit disillusioned and unhappy.