Written several days before the new year, while feeling really depressed and down:
My professor in Economics with TAR back in college was one of the most balanced women I have ever met.
Without even saying a word, you’d know she is very self-possessed and practical minded.
And I have come to admire her a lot.
One of the things that she has told us was to accept change wholeheartedly. She advised us to avoid setting fixations upon ourselves and to be flexible and to accept and even seek opportunities for change.
She told us that she has a lot of experience in teaching from elementary to high school to one private school and public school after another.
She told us however that this has helped her to grow in many ways than one.She took her odd assortment of assignments as opportunities for learning and she never regretted what she went through.
This particular instance made me wonder about my situation right now.
After 23 years, I still live with my mother and my siblings. A lot has happened in my life lately.
I have graduated from college with a Bachelors degree in Secondary Education. I have already taken and passed my licensure exam two year ago. I am now employed in a public high school in our home town where I am teaching five classes of thirteen year old freshmen students. I am also teaching two alternative learning classes under a functional literacy program.
I am developing a self-education program since I could not yet afford to enroll in a graduate school program.
But, I am not happy. I feel as if I am not really alive. As if I have stopped existing in a plane that I long to.
Or have I ever really existed after all?
It makes me wonder why I am not happy or satisfied, It is just to early for me in my career to actually feel this burned-out.
I feel as if I am missing out of something and I do not know what that something is.
Yes, I am a professional but I have yet to call myself an independent career woman since my mother holds my so called “man card” or shall I call it independent womans card.
This is worst than being in a relationship. Worst in fact than being married. Probably worst than being a prince, an actor or actress….
With everything that I do, I feel accountable to my mom. Like I have to report everything to her, ask permission from her first, try my best not to offend her…
I feel sort of bad about his. I long for my independence. I long to live in a house on my own with no siblings (I have six and all are under 20 years old) to stumble upon.
No, I don’t want them gone but I do want to have a sort of freedom. A life unhampered and untied by anybody’s demands.
I long for change. And the only change I can see is for me to work outside the Philippines, somewhere far from home. Somewhere so far where I can not just go home to mother and cry every time things go rough.
ten several days before the NEw Year while feeling really depressed and down.
No comments:
Post a Comment