The Truth About Heaven

My mother used to tell me that if I ever got married, my husband would probably leave me.

Well, she’s probably right.

I was often accused as a cold fish ever since I have grown up and learned how to block pain and hurt from consuming.

Old friends used to think I never really cared about anyone. Even my family has remarked about the certain distance I placed between myself and the rest of the world.

I even heard someone ask one of my friends kun ano ako nga klase ka amiga because I spent most of my time away from my closest friends.

I heard that too often that I have started to believe them.

Until tonight that is.

What happened tonight? I stepped on a growing gecko(not sure of the term, basta, it’s a big baby lizard with a large head and a small body). I felt the odd squishy thing under my slippers and realized it was not just an ordinary ribbon or cloth but something live.

I made the mistake of looking down and checking it and looking straight through its eyes. Oh God. The eyes have bulged and it looks as if it was crying in pain.

I felt bad, guilty and I kept saying sorry. I did not mean it at all.

I realized that I can actually feel. I strongly empathized with creatures that are weaker than myself. That is why I avoid them as often as possible.

Pain suffered by others (especially animals) affects me deeply. I don’t know why really. I see the pain-filled faces and I think about the lives they led before and the lives they would lead after if they survived.

Another example is the death of my dog. I actually felt unhappy of the experiences he would not have now that he has died. He never learned how to lick a hand properly and he does not know how to piss as a male dog should. He also has not spend a lot of time outdoors because we were very protective of him.

One afternoon, on my way home and while riding a jeep, I passed by a wriggling form of a very small brown puppy by the roadside. I thought it was playing by itself, enjoying whatever piece of string is attached on its claws. Then, I realized that the dog has actually been hit by a car and was writhing in pain.

I was unable to hold back a gasp and all the way home, while on the verge of tears, I kept thinking about the little dog.

Nobody knows this about me but I care too deeply. Far too deeply than any ordinary human is capable of handling. That is why I have to put a lid on my emotions. Not because I am afraid of getting hurt but because I am afraid of what those feelings can do to others and to myself.

I was once a very possessive friend, a very jealous daughter and sister and a very keen person. When I have friends, I longed to possess them wholly and totally. I want them with me all the time.

Now, people often find me more alone than with someone. Now, I no longer know how it feels to be with anybody.

I am uncomfortable in the presence of persons who expect me to smile, laugh and talk with them all the time.


I have become the very reverse of what I once was before.

I once told a former teacher that one of the reasons why I fear any relationship with the opposite sex is that my kind of love would destroy a weaker man. I am not exactly a strong person.

In fact, some may term me weak. Unfortunately, I have abnormally strong passions. I just don’t reveal them.