Why am I doing what I am doing

I don’t know. Yeah sure, standard answer.

That is the only coherent thing I can give right now. Well, yes, my mind is figuratively swirling with macabre and frighteningly ghastly thoughts.

But I do know I had to sort this one out.

I am going to embark on a new venture and I know I have to find answers to questions that must be answered before I can say that I can truly move on now.

While riding the bus to Iloilo, I started asking myself certain questions. One question stumped me. I used to know the answer to that question. Way back in college, I can honestly give an answer which no one can understand except me. But that was okay since only my opinion counts in this particular matter.

Who am I?

My answer? I am Me.

Simple.

But that was before. Before I became a confused secondary school teacher in a public school.

Back then, I honestly knew who I was. I know the things I want, the things I stood for. I know what I like and what I hate. I also know what I want to do with myself and my life later on.

I know I did not care what others think about me. I know I did not need to explain myself to anybody. I was aware that I was accountable to God for all my actions. I know I like reading and being a lone and I know I wanted to become one of the LET topnotchers of my time.

Now, however, my career, my dreams, my ambitions and the expectations of others about me are constantly clashing against each other making me very confused about a lot of things.

Who am I?

My answer now: I don’t know. I no longer know what I want, what I don’t want. Most of all., I no longer know any of ideals or principles that I should stand up for.

College life was very simple. I have simple ideals.

Never cheat.
Always listen.
Treat every situation as an opportunity for learning.
Never talk uselessly.
Never explain yourself.

Simple matters that I took to heart even until graduation.

Now, however, things are a whole lot more complicated that I first expected them to be.

When Adel and I talked the last time we met (which was a week ago), she told me that she left her job because she wanted to keep her principles.

She wanted to hold on to it and to keep it safe from worldly corruption.

I thought, that is nice. I would want that too.

But the thought made me pause.

Why?

I no longer know what are the principles and ideals that I hold dear to my heart. Maybe, I no longer have them.