Emotional Mode

I am feeling quite so lost nowadays and I do not know why. Every time I am alone, I just feel like crying.

I do not know what seems to be wrong with me. Stress? Depression? I am not exactly thinking about wanting to die. Daw di man ko kulang sa turog. I have no problem regarding my love life.

I do not exactly do a lot, really but I always feel tired and depressed. Basta. Nakapoy lang guid ako.

Work does not interest me anymore. My books are just making me feel a little bit confused. What used to matter before no longer counts now.

Maybe, I just want to be hugged and appreciated once in a while. It gets very tiring if you work in a hostile and indifferent place everyday and when you get home, you meet almost the same amount of indifference.

Its like… nobody loves me (shit, I am crying buwisit nga background music). Bisan ano ko nga lantaw ka mga paragwaon, amo man guihapon.

We have a very cruel world where everybody just does not seem to care. At home, I know my mother and siblings care… I tell myself that everyday. I just can’t feel it.

Maybe that is the reason why we have marriages ano. We need to feel that there is one person who really cares even if he or she is not related to us by blood. Someone bala who is with us not because he had no choice but because he wants to.

I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. My students, my mother, my siblings and all those people around me are with me because they had to. Wala sila choice.

I am going to turn 24 this July 31. This may sound odd but yes, I have never had a boyfriend before. Haha. I have never been kissed. Never been touched .

I never really pondered about such things before until today. And yes, I am absent in my class right now because of this oddly disturbing feeling…of sadness and I don’t know.

I wonder why no one has ever approached me for something other than my intellectual brilliance. (Ginapamangkot pa bala ina? Mahambal ang boys, what am I supposed to do with your brain). My younger sister has had three boyfriends (and counting) already. My youngest sister also received several loveletters and what not’s from guys.

Ako? Huh. Ako gapadala love letter.

I was in Grade four back then and I had a huge crush on this guy who was in the 4th section. He was tall, dark and handsome (to my elementary senses) and he also had a big crush on…. My classmate, the Pretty One who always gets all my crushes.

I did not know that girls were not supposed to court boys. No one told me and how was I supposed to know anyway. We do not talk about such things at home.

One day, when I could no longer help my feelings, I wrote a long love letter in Filipino to this guy. I promised him that I would do my best to slim down for him.

When he laughed and his classmates ridiculed me about it, I was flabbergasted. It was then and there that I learned that girls are not supposed to write love letters to boys and that girls are not supposed to court boys.

Now, at 24, I am still very very single. It is not exactly by choice. Pero to be honest, I never had any suitor. No one has ever shown any interest towards me.

I asked a friend once why this is so. I asked her if I was so ugly that no one wants to be with me. She did not exactly answer me. She made up this circuitous argument about me being beautiful the way I am and what counts is on the inside not the outside.

It does have its good moments, being physically unpleasant, I mean. I do not have to fend off unwanted interest because no one finds me appealing.

Oh yes, I did get a proposal which was jokingly made just last month. Hehe. It was from my one and only cyber friend whom I accidentally met online, in one of those IM chat rooms.

It was then that I realized why my sister gets a little crazy over her boyfriend or why my classmates tend to get wild and mad and totally out of sorts when they have some lover’s tiff. Nami guid man ka feeling nga somebody likes you because of who and what you are.

Did I accept the proposal? Jokingly, yes I did. Pero seriously, of course waay.

Anyway, It would be nice to have a boyfriend right now. But if I were really honest, I would not really know what to do with one.

Would I get crazy too? (I am already crazy). Hopefully, someday. If the right man steps into my world, I know I would know.

Do I believe in destiny? Yes, very much. The right man will come, in the right place and at the right time…when I am ready. The fact that I do not have a boyfriend now shows that I am too young and too unready to be in one… or maybe it just shows that I am really ugly and unpleasant.

What do you think?