Writer's Fix

I do not really have any idea about what I intend to write today.

I have been surfing the net for another job. A job which would provide me with a better disposition and more satisfaction.

For a week now, I tried convincing myself that I feel okay with teaching and somehow, I was able to delude myself quite successfully.

Because now, I could say I love my job, without batting an eyelash. But what I a, doing right now? My subconscious led me (yeah right) to this internet cafe. It made my fingers surf the net and read several job opportunities related to what I have always wanted to be.

What is that?

To become a writer. I have always wanted to become a writer. The problem is, I have never been successful at it.

Well, I do write. I was once a writer in our college publication. I wrote journalistic articles but we also have our bid on the creative since I was able to have 3 poems, two essays and a short story published.

Back in elementary, I used to spend my time writing tagalog plays which I often read to my friends. In highschool, I wrote plots on possible romance novels but I was never able to finish a manuscript.

I do not know why is that. I have wondered about my uncanny ability to plot things out but I find it difficult to sustain them. I used to tell myself that I can do better when I have the time.

Now, I have a second hand laptop, and some time. I also have the resources since I am already a professional teacher employed by the local government. But, somethings wrong...

I tried my hand at a novel. And i feel depresses because I did not have the guts to finish it. I wanted to finish the things, yes. But somethings blocking me and I do not know what it is.

I got stuck with chapter four where the characters are having arguments about how to raise the kids. Oh, they were not married. The lady was the hero's estranged bestfriend whom his aunt hired to watch over his two children.

These children were not really his own but his deceased wife passed it off as his (sounds like a gothic melodaram huh). Now, I do not know what to do with it.

I have been curiously blocked for over two weeks now.

Maybe I should dumped it. Like all the rest.

But I already feel like a bad mother who gave birth to several children whom she later on abandoned.

I really do not know what is wrong with my creativity. How am I going to solve this weirdo problem.

Reading does not work. Long hours of sleep never helped. Drinks, food, thinking time, reflections.... they simply blocked me down further.

What is a writer to do. Huh?

Or am I even a writer?